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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

210 replies

Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 15:05

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

OP posts:
CoffeeMuggins · 16/12/2021 16:42

@SandandSplashes

You made your priorities clear and your friend has realised she's lower down the list of importance than she'd hoped.
What kind of nutter thinks they come before actual family though? Christ.
DontTellThemYourNamePike · 16/12/2021 16:43

@Spectre8 Can't say there's a huge clamour to celebrate my birthday either, even though it's in March. But I'm an adult and I try not to cry.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 16:43

As to your general point about your birthday being in December - yeah, tough break. It's not other people's fault, though, and you don't get to throw your toys out of the pram because people can't/don't want to come to your party Confused

5keletor · 16/12/2021 16:44

@5128gap

The answers you get will depend purely on whether the people responding are frightened of covid or not. Being completely honest, in her shoes I would feel frustrated, irritated and upset with a friend who did this. I would consider them overly cautious and a bit feeble, and would be hurt they wouldnt take what i considered a minimal risk for me. Which is entirely a reflection of my view on the covid risk, and not an objective view on whether its unreasonable to back out. I know this, and so for that reason, I wouldn't have sent you that message, and would have kept my thoughts to myself.
We've had covid and been fine, we did follow all restrictions, but for the past few months have been attending baby groups, taking toddler to nursery and partner has been working as normal. I'm not afraid of covid, but I wouldn't sacrifice seeing my parents, one of whom is ECV, at Christmas for anyone else's sake. We've barely seen them as it is, and they've never been with our kids at Christmas due to the pandemic and distance - a friend's birthday party is definitely not worth the risk of having to isolate and not see them.
Spectre8 · 16/12/2021 16:45

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@Spectre8 yes, it's been shit for everybody. I could give you all the examples of my life/my children's lives being fucked up by the pandemic too - I'm sure we all could. None of it explains or excuses an grown woman behaving like a spoilt brat because her friends didn't want to risk catching a virus in the run-up to Christmas![/quote]
See you miss the point! Its not just covid times I'm talking about. Every year pre covid if i ask whose free for my bday on the 27th its always the same, sorry im with my family. Its not just covid years!

So im totally understanding of OPs friends behaviour.

Spectre8 · 16/12/2021 16:46

@sadpapercourtesan

As to your general point about your birthday being in December - yeah, tough break. It's not other people's fault, though, and you don't get to throw your toys out of the pram because people can't/don't want to come to your party Confused
But you would expect your friends to turn up to yours though if it was any other month right
sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 16:47

You're totally understanding of her being horrible to her friend for not attending a party during a pandemic, because....your birthday is in December and it's not fair?

Good grief.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 16:48

I can say, hand on heart, that I've never had an unedifying childish tantrum because a friend couldn't attend an event I was holding, yes. Racking my brains - nope, never happened. Because I'm 44 and I don't behave like that!

Omicrone · 16/12/2021 16:48

She had her 40th birthday party on a Wednesday night? Confused

CoffeeMuggins · 16/12/2021 16:50

But you would expect your friends to turn up to yours though if it was any other month right

To be quite honest, I am a bit surprised at the amount of grown people wanting a birthday party, let alone being so upset at people not showing up. I will buy you a present, but I have no interest in giving up my free time to celebrate you, to be frank. Luckily, our friendship group is full of adults who feel the same way.

Sally872 · 16/12/2021 16:51

I am prioritising Christmas and minimising risk of us isolating or passing anything to older relatives as much as possible.

If otherwise a good friend and reasonable person I would give benefit of the doubt that she is just disappointed party wasn't what she planned and give some distance until she sees sense.

Mary46 · 16/12/2021 16:52

Try having a jan birthday its crap!! Op I see your point. Its asking for trouble these big meetups. We told in Ireland keep social contacts minimal.

5128gap · 16/12/2021 16:52

CoffeeMuggins, please don't project your own priorities onto my friends. You know nothing about our relationships with each other and our respective families. People's lives are not all the same. Yes, the numbers are large, but the risk of significant illness remains small, and my friends and I are like minded.

Lacedwithgrace · 16/12/2021 16:53

She's an idiot for throwing a party, and clearly selfish and self-centred enough to think everyone should be as careless as she is. She's a twat, you're not. You're right to set your own boundaries especially as they're not outrageous! She needs to grow up, look at the news and hush.

Gonnagetgoing · 16/12/2021 16:55

I can see why she'd be disappointed but with cases rising and new Omicron variant I don't get why she didn't reschedule this?

Spectre8 · 16/12/2021 16:55

@Omicrone

She had her 40th birthday party on a Wednesday night? Confused
Obviously thats the day her bday fell on so what?
luverlybubberly · 16/12/2021 16:56

Unless you cancelled last minute yanbu

Gonnagetgoing · 16/12/2021 16:56

YANBU and you had valid reasons. I bet lots of others didn't come for similar reasons.

CoffeeMuggins · 16/12/2021 16:59

@5128gap

CoffeeMuggins, please don't project your own priorities onto my friends. You know nothing about our relationships with each other and our respective families. People's lives are not all the same. Yes, the numbers are large, but the risk of significant illness remains small, and my friends and I are like minded.
It's not about illness though, are you not getting this?

Anyone who caught covid in the last few days will not be able to leave their house for Christmas day nor will they be able to have other households in theirs. How the fuck can you call people feeble for not prioritising someone's birthday party? Oh, you're a year closer to death, big whoop!

musicalfrog · 16/12/2021 17:00

What a shame.

I do think that everyone cancelling or dropping out of parties are likely to catch covid soon anyway (or shock horror, family members might). May as well have some fun while you're doing it!

godmum56 · 16/12/2021 17:00

yanbu and she is a rude selfish cow.

5128gap · 16/12/2021 17:00

@sadpapercourtesan

Anyone who thinks their friends are "feeble" for not wanting to risk giving a virus to their elderly/frail relatives at Christmas has issues too, imo. What a stunning lack of empathy and common decency that shows.
Well you would say that wouldn't you, because you clearly think the risk is greater than I do. Which was pretty much my point.
LethargicActress · 16/12/2021 17:01

A 40th birthday party on a Wednesday is weird to start with, but leaving that aside..

The message that came out of yesterday’s press conference was all about choosing your priorities carefully. We were told to go out, but only if it actually matters to you. On the same day, your friend probably had a lot of now shows at her party, so understandably, she’s feeling like she is a low priority to everyone she cared about enough to want to celebrate with. That is going to hurt, especially after she’s probably had years of her birthday being a low priority in the run up to Christmas.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have let down a friend on a big birthday so I can see why she’s feeling like you aren’t being a good friend. Good friends don’t do things that they know are going to hurt each other without doing everything they possibly can to try and make up for it.

Presumably you were planning to go so would have had a present ready, did you offer to drop it round, or get together another time, or send flowers or anything?

ThePlantsitter · 16/12/2021 17:01

Wow, the people who get really angry when people don't attend their party - for any damn reason they like- are kind of odd. Do you think that's going to endear people to you and make them come next time?! A party is meant to be a fun thing not an obligation. If any friend asks me if seeing my family is more of a priority than seeing them at Christmas during a pandemic then the answer is yes and I would expect them to say the same. If they got angry at me about it I wouldn't be v interested in hanging out with them on their birthday or any other time, since they clearly don't think I should have my own needs and desires.

sadpapercourtesan · 16/12/2021 17:02

Ah, so you think there's genuinely no risk to the very elderly/clinically vulnerable/chemo patients/people with lung disease either?

Pardon me, I thought you were just selfish, whereas you're clearly actually delusional.