Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

[Laughingstock91]

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

I was invited to a 50th of a close friend . We have been super careful because of vulnerabilities in household so we declined . Friend was absolutely fine and understanding about it . I’m very sad not to have attended but it was the right decision . Two other events invited to last weekend have already become superspreader events . Your friend is being very unreasonable

Another Dec birthday here and it was my 30th a week ago. Lots of cancellations and it ended up being four of us in the pub. Your friend should not have taken out her disappointment on you but it is going to be hard seeing friends of the same age have parties during the rest of the year when everything quietens down again. I would try and be compassionate in my response

She’s right though isn’t she, a true friend wouldn’t bail last minute like you did.

Your friend is an arse. I went to a party last weekend and have now been pinged as three folks tested positive. My eldest son has also tested positive.

How can people think the risk is greater when the rates of infection are there for all to see?
I don't think I'll get seriously ill from covid, however my ECV parent might.
Regardless, Omicron is spreading like wildfire, and if I get it I'll be stuck in my house on Christmas day, having bad to cancel all my plans. I'm not scared of critical illness, but I'm not giving my Christmas up to sit at home, possibly with no Christmas dinner because parents are making it and have all the food at their house.

@Thisisconfusing

I was invited to a 50th of a close friend . We have been super careful because of vulnerabilities in household so we declined . Friend was absolutely fine and understanding about it . I’m very sad not to have attended but it was the right decision . Two other events invited to last weekend have already become superspreader events . Your friend is being very unreasonable

It's one thing to decline an invitation. Quite another to accept and then withdraw at short notice.

People are cancelling holidays at the moment, potentially losing £100s. I think anyone expecting to have a full on party now are a bit delusional. Or having one and thinking people will attend.

I feel sorry for your friend too.

I have a milestone birthday this year too but it’s even worse - try being a New Year’s Eve baby. I didn’t even consider having a party as it was obvious it would be even more difficult than it usually is.

Actually I can’t remember ever having a party on my birthday, even when I was a child.

@PoshPyjamas

She’s right though isn’t she, a true friend wouldn’t bail last minute like you did.

You're right. A true friend would think "Well, a new variant has appeared. One that might have an R number of 3 to 5. If I go and get it or get identified as a close contact, I won't be able to see my family for Christmas for the second year in a row. But I did accept this invite back in September when cases were lower and there wasn't a new super spreader variant, so I shall simply have to suck it up and tell mum and dad to fuck right off because I am a true friend!"

Get fucking real.

Tell her in the strongest possible terms to go fuck herself and then block.

I can see both sides personally. I think omicron is being majorly blown up out of all proportions and some people are flapping as a result. I’m not arsed about covid anymore, I let myself panic about it for months then actually caught it and I’ve had worse colds. Having said that, I can understand anyone not wanting to catch it incase they have the inconvenience of self isolating over Christmas, I wouldn’t want that either.

I can understand why your friend is feeling hurt. It’s a milestone birthday and you initially accepted the invitation.

@sadpapercourtesan

Ah, so you think there's genuinely no risk to the very elderly/clinically vulnerable/chemo patients/people with lung disease either?

Pardon me, I thought you were just selfish, whereas you're clearly actually delusional.

Are you addressing me? If so I've no idea what you're talking about. Who has mentioned any of the people on your list?

YANBU and your friend's behaviour is rude, hurtful and uncalled for.

But I can also understand her hurt and disappointment. It sounds like the party was on the same day that Chris Whitty literally said, 'continue with events that are important to you and cancel what isn't' So, to her, she's hearing loud and clear that she isn't a priority to her best friend or (most likely) to the many others who will also have cancelled or just not shown up. She was probably really miserable and embarrassed and has lashed out.

@FriedasCarLoad

I think that'd be the end of the friendship of you did that.

From her point of view, she might have been looking forward to it for years, and then perhaps had a very disappointing, even humiliating evening if lots of people took the same decision.

I guess you have to question whether defending yourself robustly over this is more important to you than the friendship. And whether the friendship is valuable enough to be worth you striking a sympathetic and reconciliatory tone and apologising again.

Fucking hell, so you would dump someone for not coming to your birthday party in the middle of a rapidly escalating pandemic wave after specific government advice not to go out days ahead of Christmas?

I've just had to cancel a party. I've taken it on the chin. People need to grow about this sort of thing. It's not like its the first time its happened.

I have cancelled going to a good friend's 50th for this weekend. She is not vaccinated as she thinks it is all a crock of crap. Her response was; 'Everyone must do what they feel comfortable with..... shall we catch up for a walk over Christmas if you want to?'

That is a proper, sensible adult reaction. I am sorry that this happened to you.

@FriedasCarLoad

I think that'd be the end of the friendship of you did that.

From her point of view, she might have been looking forward to it for years, and then perhaps had a very disappointing, even humiliating evening if lots of people took the same decision.

I guess you have to question whether defending yourself robustly over this is more important to you than the friendship. And whether the friendship is valuable enough to be worth you striking a sympathetic and reconciliatory tone and apologising again.

If that was her situation, she should have had the sense to postpone the party. You can't expect your friends to risk illness or ruining their Christmas if they have to isolate, just because you want a party.

@5128gap slow clap for the faux confusion, but the meaning of the post was quite transparent. People avoiding parties at this time are generally doing so because they, or someone they will be seeing over Christmas, is vulnerable to this virus (I provided a few of the more obvious examples of vulnerability).

So either your "covid isn't a risk" includes those vulnerable groups, in which case you're delusional, or you know damn well it doesn't, in which case you're just self-absorbed. I don't particularly care which it is.

It's sad for her if lots of folks bailed but the writing has been on the wall for a bit now. You either adjust or postpone parties

How much notice did you give?

Declining the invite for personal reasons is fine, but if you said yes then changed your mind at the last minute or didn't answer until right before then YABU - Covid has been around for nearly two years now, you had amble time to make a decision and judge risks and just the general possibility of it is not acceptable as a last minute excuse.

Do you want to maintain this friendship? If so, say you are sorry she feels like that but that her friendship is important to you, and perhaps you can take her out on a one to one lunch / similar as a birthday treat.

If you don't wish to maintain the friendship, ignore and move on.

And yes, it was perfectly reasonable for you to decide not to go.

When did you tell her?

That would help me decide whether you are being unreasonable or not.

I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to mix so close to Christmas but I would also be hurt that you didn’t come.

`Things are changing day by day.

You told her you weren't going to attend instead of standing her up.

So she can bugger off to be honest. Your health comes first.

Shame she thinks having a 'birthday party' at her age takes priority over people's health.

I'm in the same situation as you and my friend's imminent 50th birthday do. Try not to get provoked. Just stay cool and she'll understand it in time. Best wishes

Don't tell her to fuck off, but throw it right back at her.

Tell her you are sorry she feels that way and while you respect her decision to go ahead with her party you are upset as a true friend she would not also respect what was a difficult decision for you too. Wish her and her family all the best for the festive season and say you hope to catch up with her next year.

@Laughingstock91

Sounds like lots of people didn't turn up, and she was very hurt and upset, and her good friend of many years not coming really stung. I can see it from your point of view though, and I would not want to have gone either.

Indeed I have cancelled 3 different things I was going to this next 2 weeks. Your friend was foolhardy to have gone ahead with the party IMO. I would have cancelled it.

I am torn, but am leaning slightly more towards being on your side tbh, as the new covid variant has gone crazy. But.... I do also see your friend's side.

@Spectre8 27th December is a shitty time to have a birthday, coz as you say, everyone is busy and doing Christmas stuff. My cousin's birthday is 29th December and she has the same issues! Her son has his 3rd January, and sooo many people forget it. And don't even get me started on the amount of people who have given her AND her son a joint Birthday/Christmas present over the years.

If someone's birthday was June/July etc, you wouldn't give someone a Christmas present in December, and say 'this present is for your birthday as well,' so why say it when the birthday is a few days/2 or 3 weeks after Christmas? It's just rude and lazy!