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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

210 replies

Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 15:05

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

OP posts:
Twopenny · 16/12/2021 17:53

It's not fair to expect people to risk having covid over Christmas, and the risk is real. I know because my DP caught covid at a small, well managed gathering last week that did all the 'right' things in terms of testing, ventilation, etc. Now I'm the only one in the house who doesn't have it. They'll get out of isolation early next week, but if I get it now, all of our plans are in the bin.

And if you get covid now, best case scenario is you'll be isolating over Christmas - which would certainly be a huge blow for me. If you develop symptoms, you're unlikely to enjoy whatever celebration you can have at home - my 35 year old, double vaccinated DP has Covid mildly, but she's not up to a roast dinner and game of trivial pursuit, that's for sure.

Worst case scenario, you don't get symptoms, you don't realise you have it, the LFT doesn't pick it up (it didn't for my partner), and you spread it to your friends and family. Not worth the risk to me.

LittleRoundRobin · 16/12/2021 17:57

@SloeFox

I have cancelled going to a good friend's 50th for this weekend. She is not vaccinated as she thinks it is all a crock of crap. Her response was; 'Everyone must do what they feel comfortable with..... shall we catch up for a walk over Christmas if you want to?'

That is a proper, sensible adult reaction. I am sorry that this happened to you. Thanks

That's a bit of an oxymoron. You say she gave a 'proper adult reaction,' but thinking covid - and the vaccinations that go with it - are 'a crock of crap' does not suggest your good friend is a sensible adult. I could not be friends with someone like this to be honest. I have no time for people like this.
5128gap · 16/12/2021 17:57

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@5128gap slow clap for the faux confusion, but the meaning of the post was quite transparent. People avoiding parties at this time are generally doing so because they, or someone they will be seeing over Christmas, is vulnerable to this virus (I provided a few of the more obvious examples of vulnerability).

So either your "covid isn't a risk" includes those vulnerable groups, in which case you're delusional, or you know damn well it doesn't, in which case you're just self-absorbed. I don't particularly care which it is.[/quote]
Some are of course. But many others are avoiding it because they're frightened themselves, and consider their risk to be greater than it objectively is. It is this to which I'm referring. But obviously its far more dramatic for you to berate me for not caring about people who are vulnerable, than to concede that the majority of healthy vaccinated adults can carry on with their lawful activities at minimal risk from covid.

Cocomarine · 16/12/2021 17:57

I do wonder if OP will bother come back…

Did you just text her on the night with a short lame arse message?

Or did you phone her a couple of days before and actually talk to her?

Oblomov21 · 16/12/2021 17:58

How bad is it in your area?

I disagree with most. As I'm doubled vaccinated and also boostered, and because the risk is low here in Surrey, I'd go.

Depending where you live, the risk is low in many places. So for a close friends 40th, yep I'd be upset if you didn't come. Even Chris whitty said you can go, but choose carefully, so I'd probably sacrifice something else.

theremustonlybeone · 16/12/2021 18:03

Oblomov21 my son is double vaccinated and boostered and tested positive yesterday

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 16/12/2021 18:04

I don’t blame you one bit. Your friend sounds like an idiot.

GutsInMay · 16/12/2021 18:06

@Oblomov21

How bad is it in your area?

I disagree with most. As I'm doubled vaccinated and also boostered, and because the risk is low here in Surrey, I'd go.

Depending where you live, the risk is low in many places. So for a close friends 40th, yep I'd be upset if you didn't come. Even Chris whitty said you can go, but choose carefully, so I'd probably sacrifice something else.

But the OP is not boosted.

And anyone who catches it now will be isolating over the whole of Xmas.

I think Whitty wittering about ‘the things that are important to you’ is fuelling people taking it personally :”so I am not important to you”.

Actually some of us have care / welfare responsibilities to older relatives. The OP may not have kicked her friend to the kerb in favour of a gin fuelled wild one with the family elders.

Keke94LND · 16/12/2021 18:07

Is this an unusual reaction from her? I only ask because a lot of people are very stressed/depressed right now, her reaction isn't right but if she's feeling the way a lot of people are and had been looking forward to something that was then ruined, I can see why that might cause her to lash out. If it's out of character for her I'd probably be inclined to let it slide and try and get to the bottom of why she's reacted that way.

whatsupluckyducky · 16/12/2021 18:09

you aren’t being unreasonable at all but I think she is.

nosyupnorth · 16/12/2021 18:11

I'm saying yabu for posting and then not bothering to answer anybody's requests for clarification - points to the fact that you know everyone would think you were being unreasonable if you told the full truth.

StellaGibson118 · 16/12/2021 18:13

Dont tell her to fuck off. I would want to if I were you but I know I would regret it. She's hurt because she wanted you there and values you as a friend. It was a big birthday for her and she likely feels it was a snub on your friendship that you couldnt put COVID aside for her.

You also have very valid reasons for not wanting to go and being upset at her reaction. Im not keen on the idea of COVID right now because I've got uni and little ones to care for as a single parent.

Therefore, I think neither of you are BU. I think you both need to talk it out. COVID is not worth losing a friendship over but if you cant accept each others differences then so be it.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2021 18:14

Rise above, don't reply. Or send something bland and conciliatory, like apologising for your decision being at short notice, or saying you're sorry she's upset and are looking forward to seeing her after Christmas / in the new year etc.

alternativePerspective · 16/12/2021 18:18

And here was me thinking people stopped having birthday parties when they were about 5. At about the time the parents lost the will to go to soft play.

In terms of cancelling at short notice, given the jump in figures yesterday it’s entirely understandable that someone might have seen yesterday’s figures and thought “shit, no I don’t want to go out and risk catching it and passing it to someone else,” and cancelling at the last minute.

And the figures have gone up by over 30000 today, so it’s hardly a case of thinking there isn’t a risk of catching it.

In the place my DS works 26 of their 42 employees currently have COVID. It doesn’t matter whether they’re seriously ill, they have it and aren’t currently able to go out.

And as for the posters who think that the risk is minimal and that nobody should change anything, it’s precisely because of people like you that we end up in lockdown, because idiots need the government to hold their hand and tell them what to do rather than taking personal responsibility.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 16/12/2021 18:19

I would have cancelled going to a party, I'm not scared of catching covid however I am spending Christmas with my mum, it's the first one since we lost my dad and I'm not going to do anything now that means I am at risk of isolating over Christmas. Without this sudden surge it would be life as usual but I'm not taking a chance of leaving my mum on her own this christmas. No one is vulnerable in the clinical sense but there are mental health issues at stake.

Spectre8 · 16/12/2021 18:42

[quote LittleRoundRobin]@Laughingstock91

Sounds like lots of people didn't turn up, and she was very hurt and upset, and her good friend of many years not coming really stung. I can see it from your point of view though, and I would not want to have gone either.

Indeed I have cancelled 3 different things I was going to this next 2 weeks. Your friend was foolhardy to have gone ahead with the party IMO. I would have cancelled it.

I am torn, but am leaning slightly more towards being on your side tbh, as the new covid variant has gone crazy. But.... I do also see your friend's side.

@Spectre8 Flowers 27th December is a shitty time to have a birthday, coz as you say, everyone is busy and doing Christmas stuff. My cousin's birthday is 29th December and she has the same issues! Her son has his 3rd January, and sooo many people forget it. And don't even get me started on the amount of people who have given her AND her son a joint Birthday/Christmas present over the years. Hmm

If someone's birthday was June/July etc, you wouldn't give someone a Christmas present in December, and say 'this present is for your birthday as well,' so why say it when the birthday is a few days/2 or 3 weeks after Christmas? It's just rude and lazy! Hmm[/quote]
Thanks at the very least you understand and empathise.

Like I said I just do my own thing no on my birthday since I'm single that means i end up spending it on my own but hey least I wont be disappointed. However for something like my 40th I would want to do that with my friends and yeh a one off effort would be nice from them. I get its covid people are worried and won't go so I see OP's point of view I just think she is utterly rude calling her friend out for having a super spreader event. There is zero empathy or sympathy shown towards her friend.

GotToGoBye · 16/12/2021 18:50

You must be great company if an evening with her other 69 guests was affected by you not being there.

Original poster
Laughingstock91 · 16/12/2021 18:54

I do feel bad for not going but I am freaking out a bit about covid. She had it on a weds because it’s close to Xmas so weekends are busy. I did try and explain why and have said I will go out when things calm down. She actually had 50 people attend!

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 16/12/2021 19:22

My husband went to a party last weekend and now has COVID so our Xmas is ruined. YANBU

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 16/12/2021 19:25

I think many people would be hurt by it. Did you do anything to mitigate not going, such as send birthday flowers? Did you tell her with warning or just a few days before.

Realistically Mumsnet will give you an impression that you are a righteous warrior for truth and safety. But the reality is that times are confusing, people are making different calls and its hurtful and sad for people if their plans don’t happen, even if there is a good reason.

I think you just need to reiterate that you do value her as friend, rather than go on a big rant.

ChristmasFluff · 16/12/2021 19:32

Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!

5keletor · 16/12/2021 19:38

@ChristmasFluff

Such a shame that the vaccine that almost all of Mumsnet has been shilling has been so ineffective in preventing anything, even anxiety.

But of course, the new booster dose will change all of that. Huzzah!

It's not anxiety for most of us, though. I'm not afraid of covid, getting it would most likely just be a mild illness, like it was for us last time. The jab won't stop me having to isolate and not see my parents yet again if I catch covid, and I don't fancy all of us being stuck at home, likely without a Christmas dinner and being unable to see anyone because we decided to risk it.
muddyford · 16/12/2021 19:41

I'm not very afraid of Covid. I'm afraid for my elderly parents. I am bloody afraid of all the laws and isolation malarkey. You were NBU.

DirtyDancing · 16/12/2021 19:46

Literally I wouldn't even reply.

Family first as I just said on another post. I'm doing everything, and I mean everything in my power to see my DM this year who has had a terrible year. Nothing more important.

Whitty said prioritise. I don't blame you.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 16/12/2021 19:53

I agree with pp's about all the other stuff that goes with Covid. I'm, ahem, older, but not overly concerned about the illness itself. It's the 10 days' isolation. My mum has dementia and relies on me for so much. I don't have a back-up plan, apart from keeping a rolling supply of food and other essentials in her kitchen.

So, anyone who would get offended that I didn't attend their birthday party could fuck right off. There are things I was prepared to do a couple of weeks ago that I wouldn't risk now. The situation is getting worse and someone's birthday party, as important as it is to them, is not a priority for everyone.