Friend had a go at me for not coming to her party

[Laughingstock91]

Friend had a 40th birthday party last night-
I decided that I didn’t want to go because of the Xmas covid risk that is now very real. I was very clear about it- told her I was anxious because seeing elderly relatives next week and I didn’t want to be in a room with 70 other people I don’t know. I am double vaxxed, waiting for booster appt but still really worried.

She texted this morning to say that she was angry I didn’t come and that she didn’t think it was the behaviour of a ‘true’ friend.

Aibu to tell her to fuck right off? Am so annoyed! I actually thought she was stupid to go ahead with her superspreader party anyway but that’s another story.

Sounds like you bailed last minute. Always disappointing when a friend does this no matter what the reason is.

@Oblomov21

How bad is it in your area?

I disagree with most. As I'm doubled vaccinated and also boostered, and because the risk is low here in Surrey, I'd go.

Depending where you live, the risk is low in many places. So for a close friends 40th, yep I'd be upset if you didn't come. Even Chris whitty said you can go, but choose carefully, so I'd probably sacrifice something else.

I love parties... But my sacrifice may be my ECV close relatives... And me....

I wouldn’t reply to that. She sounds like a teenager rather than a 40 year old adult.
Perhaps she’ll mention it to a few more people amd they’ll give her some perspective.

I'd still like to know how much notice OP gave her friend

You dropped out of her party and then want to tell her to fuck off? If I were her I’d drop you as a friend. I completely understand your reasons and we have done the same this weekend but if a good friend told me she was angry and upset, I’d acknowledge her feelings, apologise again and explain my reasoning. I certainly wouldn’t tell her to fuck off.

OP - the fact you won't say how much notice you gave and that she had a go the next day, not at the time you declined, suggests you flaked at the last minute. That is very unreasonable.

So many people wait until the last minute to decide if they want to go to an event and its rude. You decide in advance and then only cancel at the last minute if there's an emergency. And no, the numbers did not dramatically increase between Mondays briefing and Wednesday. If you cancelled Monday night, she wouldn't have been messaging you on Thursday about it. If it was catered, she'll have paid to feed you whereas if you'd cancelled on Sunday/Monday she probably could reduce numbers.

Cancelling or depriortising someone isn't rude in itself, but waiting until just before the event to decide if you want to go is very rude.

I agree with the poster above. If she had given her friend a day or twos notice I'm sure she wouldn't have messaged the next day to rant about it. I assume she messaged on the day to say she was no longer coming. People cancelling last minute unless it's an emergency/illness is rude, Covid or not covid.

YANBU. If you had just failed to turn up without letting her know, I could see her considering you as 'flakey' and being annoyed. But you let her know, and you had a very good reason!

Seeing your elderly relatives safely comes before a big party!

As pp have said, probably others had cancelled/ turned down the invitation as well, and she was disappointed at the poor turnout. However, even in non-pandemic times, I really dislike it when people use this sort of emotional blackmail: 'unless you come to my party, you're not a true friend'! Excusable perhaps in an 18-year-old; not a 40-year-old. A true friend is a 'friend in need'; not someone who drops everything to attend a big party. If she can't understand your need to see your elderly relatives, then maybe she's not as true a friend as she should be (but best not to tell her that; don't get dragged down to her level).

I certainly wouldn’t tell her to fuck off.

I don't think OP really intends to tell her to fuck off! Just expressing her own frustration on here.

Even if the cancellation was at the last minute, I think OP could be excused in this case, because the Omicron surge is very recent. It's not like just suddenly deciding you've got something better to do.

I think OP should just send a brief reply on the lines of 'I am sorry that I have disappointed you, but I really felt that I had no choice given the sudden Omicron surge, and Uncle John's and Aunt Susan's age and vulnerability. I hope to take you for lunch (or other suggestion) after Christmas'. And see what happens. If the friend doesn't reply or replies nastily, OP could decide that the friendship has run its course for the time being. If she replies in a reasonable way (it does occur to me that maybe she got a bit drunk at the party, and that partly explains her behaviour!), then they could move on.

A good friend would not miss such a big event.

Even apart from the Covid aspects, I feel completely the opposite! If someone cancels on a personal meeting, where there are just the two of us, or just a few others, then I would feel disappointed, though I would accept the reasons (if I thought the friend was a liar or totally unreliable, I wouldn't have been their friend in the first place!) But a big event is not greatly harmed if one person misses it, or even if several people do so that it's scaled down from 70 to 50. And it generally involves much less individual personal contact than a small meeting.