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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

219 replies

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:20

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

OP posts:
heldinadream · 15/12/2021 10:26

Personally I think anyone who has had a baby during covid and still knows which way is up and has cleaned their teeth every day is doing fabulously. For as long as it takes. That includes you OP! People are very different in their capacity to cope, but that particular combination - and whatever else they've got going on like WFH etc - is potentially a recipe for overwhelm.
I'd be cutting all the slack I could muster.

Seeline · 15/12/2021 10:27

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Firstly I can't see much difference between the response "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" your awful friends are giving, and your ideal response of "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"
Basically both saying, I have other things to be doing right now!

Secondly, just because you were able to cope with your babies, doesn't mean that everyone else can. All babies (and Mums) are different. A bad birth experience can affect some for months/years. Some deal with a lack of sleep better than others. Some babies sleep better than others. There maybe other things going on in their lives beyond a new baby.

A good friend will accept that this is the case and keep in touch. The length of time for a response shouldn't be relevant. It's not putting you out is it?

newmum0604 · 15/12/2021 10:27

How do you know what mental state they are in? Yabu

RichTeaRichTea · 15/12/2021 10:30

I read things and if I don’t reply immediately I forget. This is more likely to happen when you have a baby.

Voldermortsballsack · 15/12/2021 10:30

YABU and you lack kindness & understanding too.

Merry Christmas

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2021 10:30

I think it is hard to understand the impact lack of sleep has on mental processing until you have been there. I didn't think about friends as I was concentrating on surviving. It was a bloody horrendous time tbh.

Restart10 · 15/12/2021 10:30

It's great that you got back to people but not everyone is the same. If you're finding this with more than one friend don't you think it's more normal than how you did it. Agree with pp, that trying to navigate through covid with a baby is tricky. I also took time to get back on track with my friends, this wasn't intentional. I think you really not to have too much expectations right now.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2021 10:34

Crumbs OP life is pretty hard for everyone at the moment. I think you need to be more forgiving.

Original poster
yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:35

I appreciate other people's views as I guess I'm not sure what is the norm and what isn't. Would you say that having an 11 month old, making efforts to post photos of meet ups with other mums, but still not responding to contact for about 3 weeks is normal?

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 15/12/2021 10:36

YABU. Having a baby is bloody tough. I was good at staying in touch, but only because I'm a phone addict and it's permanently in my hand. Blush If I wasn't I would've been atrocious.

Zarene · 15/12/2021 10:36

Well done you for being on top of things when you had a little one!

I couldn't think properly. I truly felt I was losing my mind from lack of sleep and boredom. Days and hours blurred in a round of crying/ nappies/ rocking to sleep/ occasionally remembering to feed myself.

So yes, sometimes I did probably fail to send a breezy response to friends immediately after they texted.

But as I way, we'll done you for being better at it.

MarvEll · 15/12/2021 10:38

@yellowleaves123

I appreciate other people's views as I guess I'm not sure what is the norm and what isn't. Would you say that having an 11 month old, making efforts to post photos of meet ups with other mums, but still not responding to contact for about 3 weeks is normal?
Maybe they're just not that into you at the moment?
Original poster
yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:39

*YABU and you lack kindness & understanding too.

Merry Christmas*

I'll accept if IABU. I wouldn't say I lack kindness and understanding seeing as I have gone "ok sure, no problem" to these friends and then helped them out when they've needed it, whenever they need it, regardless of how often we speak. I just wanted to know if I'm possibly expecting a bit more than normal or if maybe it's me.

Firstly I can't see much difference between the response "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" your awful friends are giving, and your ideal response

I've been getting repeats of the first response as basically every text I receive in some cases so I was wondering if perhaps it was me, if I should be doing something to help, etc...as I then respond to the "how are you part" and don't hear from them for another 3 weeks.

I'm not trying to be a friend that isn't understanding. Don't forget I've also had a baby during this time. Everyone's experience is different and I wanted some outside views.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 15/12/2021 10:39

Having a baby during Covid was very different (I had one too). While we didn’t get the same parenting experiences as other parents, one thing we did get was the time with our babies without interruptions in a way people having babies now don’t get get. So we were probably on top of things even with pnd and zero social contact and may have even received support from wfh partners during mat leave that other parents couldn’t.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2021 10:41

I think that it is pretty normal for friendships to change when you have a baby.

If the meet ups are part of a baby group or mum support group then it isn't really the same as hanging out with other friends while ignoring you.

When I was on maternity leave it could be really awkward with some friends - they clearly found any talk that involved my dc boring, and I had literally nothing else to say. I had very little free time and I often spent it with other mums who were having similar life experiences.

Inquisitivearchitect · 15/12/2021 10:42

@yellowleaves123 I don’t mean to sound rude, but maybe the problem is you and not them?

Maybe they are trying to avoid you? Maybe you put pressure on them and they feel it.

It could be time to step back and give these people space Smile

Original poster
yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:45

For those that have taken offence at my post, can I just highlight - I have had a baby during this pandemic. I was stopped from seeing my friends. My family. I couldn't go to baby groups. So please don't be like "well done you for handling it" because it was HARD. And now that we are on the other side of that - sort of - I don't know if receiving a "sorry I didn't reply, how are you?" (which isn't replied to either) every few weeks is kind of standard or if I'm missing something. Especially if they do see other people regularly.

Please don't just reply with "maybe they're not that in to you" because as somebody that has been isolated themselves for a long time, that's really unkind. I've asked for views so that I can understand both sides. There's no need to point a finger and say "they don't like you".

OP posts:
Thegreencup · 15/12/2021 10:45

I used to text my friends at 3am when I was up with the baby in the night and was told I was unreasonable. Least I was keeping in contact.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 10:45

"This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby."

To be a pattern, it's multiple new mothers. That alone is a bit of a clue, isn't it? That it's the situation, not the individual?

Original poster
yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:47
  • I don’t mean to sound rude, but maybe the problem is you and not them?

Maybe they are trying to avoid you? Maybe you put pressure on them and they feel it.

It could be time to step back and give these people space*

I did wonder this so I have been leaving people alone. Then I received messages saying "you've gone quiet, I miss you, when are we meeting up, blah blah..." the meet up may then not happen, life gets in the way and I understand that but it's confusing and a bit tiring.

OP posts:
JabNotInArm · 15/12/2021 10:48

You put a lot of caveats in your post (PND, baby not sleeping, etc) which basically could apply to any one of your friends without you realising.

VikingOnTheFridge · 15/12/2021 10:49

The only new mother I've ever known who behaved like this did end up with a PND diagnosis. In retrospect it was obvious.

Original poster
yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:51

To be a pattern, it's multiple new mothers. That alone is a bit of a clue, isn't it? That it's the situation, not the individual

Yes, you could be right.

OP posts:
Teeheehee1579 · 15/12/2021 10:51

I am that friend - I don’t reply sometimes for weeks on end when I am feeling overwhelmed and my brain almost shuts off from anything other than what I have to do. I have no diagnosed mental health condition it is just how it goes with me. I may go to a meet up because I feel I have too but messages I don’t. None of my friends would have any idea I feel like this because I put a front on. I think people need to be given a break especially with young children and the pressures of life. Of course if they never respond and you never see them then that is a different matter but it doesn’t sound like that is the case here.

steff13 · 15/12/2021 10:51

I found that the days often passed in a blur when I had a baby. Especially when I had older kids too. Shockingly, different people experience things differently.

Asking this on a message board you're only going to get a zillion different versions of "it's harder for some people than it is for others."

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