Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

[yellowleaves123]

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

I don't think I feel entitled to other people's attention and time, but people do get dropped by friends once they have babies, especially if they don't have any DC.

(And by dropped, I mean... dropped. One of mine hasn't responded to the last text I sent them in 2019! She must've been really busy...)

It's fine if you're the kind of breezy person who also has kids and is happy to have a text every 6 months, but if you're someone who's gone from a close fun friendship to absolutely nothing, having to constantly find new friends because your existing ones keep vanishing off to Babyland is a bit shit.

Oh please this is standard for people who have babies. Their whole life revolves around their babies. And when you do have time they spend all that time whining about how busy they are and never have time for anything else and so on. They have time to post on insta, Facebook though!

Those people will find soon enough when there kids grow up and become adults how empty their lives are and they have no friends left.

Seen it happen too many times.

People (quite rightly) guard their free time and allocate it to things that are important to them. If you don't fit into that category then maybe stop pestering the other person?

Agree.

In which case they can’t then be surprised if the person who tried to contact them is now giving them a wide berth. I mean they gave the clear message they didn’t want to be contacted right?

Instead it seems a lot of posters on here think that the person doing the contacting should assume they are struggling and still should be happy to be their friend/stay in contact for when THEY feel like it because that’s how true friends are etc….

I would stop making the effort to get in touch.

I don't think you are being all that unreasonable.

You have clearly said you don't expect an instant response to messages, for example, and i say that as someone who can take a while at responding to messages myself!

Time to find some new friends!

Perfectly normal for any situation when your priorities change / major life change.

It also any thing from moving house, getting a new job, starting a new relationship.

Its not just restricted to having children.

It just means you have a bunch of stuff going on. It also doesn't mean you think less of people. Some of the best friends you have can be people you see infrequently but the relationship still endures.

I think, tbh, it says more about people being needy if they suddenly get the hump when someone has a baby and isn't in touch.

Thats completely aside from the physical and mental health strains of having a baby.

Some people just take weeks to respond to texts anyway. I often take a long time to respond to people even if I really like them. This maybe happens more now I have a child but it happened before - the world of mobile phones and social networks and being a parent means there are just so many texts and whatsapp groups to keep up with.

There seems to be a widespread assumption that these friends will be upset if OP stops messaging, that they'll be expecting to pick right up later, that they expect her to put lots of effort in that they don't reciprocate, etc. I'm not sure why people assume that? I know OP doesn't want to hear this - in fact has explicitly said we mustn't suggest it - but they may well feel that this is a friendship that has run its course.

None of my friends have done this, not one. And I have several with babies. Even friends that are not close to me don;t do this. I would consider stop bothering with this friendship and move on....see if they bother reaching out in a few months. I have 3 kids (youngest just turned 2) and I always managed to respond to messages straight away....max a few hours! Heck, I also have a dog to throw into that mix...so even when I had my youngest as a newborn, plus the other two kids and a dog, I still managed to respond to messages same day....no problem! Even straight from the hospital!

Unless your close firiwmds I don't know why anyone would care. I reply sporadically. Of others take their time I'm not offended.

However, if they continually refuse to meet up, then I assume they're just being polite or whatever

You see @RedToothBrush, I agree with you about priorities.
I think people who stop contacting you are telling you clearly you are not in their priority list. Which, fair enough. You shouldn’t always be in everyone top priority.

I also agree that friendships can withstand not being in contact for a while. Baby, new partner (nit such a good idea ime though), moving etc…

What is surely going to put a distance between people is being rude. And not answering for weeks and then carrying on as if everything was normal, no apology, no explanation is a sure way to put an end to a friendship imo.

Because you know. How on Earth do you make the difference between being busy with others stuff etc… and someone who wants to put a distance between you and them?
People will assume, very often rightly, you dont want to speak to them if you don’t tell them differently.

I find the suggestion that friends are being needy an interesting one.
I have friends I see occasionally when we both have the time. When life is busy we don't see each other. I have others - well one - who IO see at least once a week without fail. If she stopped seeing me and didn't get in touch for months then yes I would be very upset. But its not just a doing friendship i.e. you do things like go for drinks or a meal, but a practical friendship, we help each other out.

People cope differently.

My ex became abusive shortly after ds was born and I had too much to deal with, then my employer fired me first day back after maternity leave and I had to fight an unfair dismissal case. Then find a new job, eventually find a new home. The first 18 months were bedlam. I was miserable, stressed, confidence at an all time low financially stretched.

Keeping in touch with all the social side just wasn't a priority.

You never really know what is going on in people's lives.

I am also aware that when a friend tries to contact gets silence, the other person have no idea if that friends needs some support.
I don't think friends are just for the good times.
I mean if all you want is a companion to go to the cinema or a drink then fair enough. But I don't see these people as friends, but acquaintances.

You are correct, it isn't an excuse, it's a valid and genuine reason.

@MintJulia so you don't talk to friends about the bad times?
I don't consider someone I don't see for 18-months as a friend, not really.

@Generalpost

I have never really understood the new born/young baby thing. About being busy just had a baby etc. Unless they are colicky /sick . All new borns do is sleep. I used to want people round or chats on the phone etc. I would get bored

"All new borns do is sleep."

That may have been your experience, it certainly wasn't mine.

@LostForIdeas

You see *@RedToothBrush*, I agree with you about priorities. I think people who stop contacting you are telling you clearly you are not in their priority list. Which, fair enough. You shouldn’t always be in everyone top priority.

I also agree that friendships can withstand not being in contact for a while. Baby, new partner (nit such a good idea ime though), moving etc…

What is surely going to put a distance between people is being rude. And not answering for weeks and then carrying on as if everything was normal, no apology, no explanation is a sure way to put an end to a friendship imo.

Because you know. How on Earth do you make the difference between being busy with others stuff etc… and someone who wants to put a distance between you and them?
People will assume, very often rightly, you dont want to speak to them if you don’t tell them differently.

I think it depends on whether you view it as rude or just life tbh.

Not being in the here and no doesn't mean that someone isn't my priority.

My best friend from school remains my best friend even though I have 101 other things going on that I can't avoid, am obliged to do or otherwise want to do.

I don't feel that either of us owe an explaination of how our kids had x party, then we had this, you get distracted at just the wrong moment when about to reply then innocently just forget, then DH had this commitment and then there was this unexpected shit that happened, and frankly I'm just exhausted and want to tune out and put pointless shit on the internet. The whole thing of having to justify your whole life isn't necessarily something that shows the strength of a relationship either.

What matters is the quality time we have when we do see each other.

Do you value the time and friendship on its on merits, or do you expect performance friendship where you are 'on the clock' for how reliable you are at responding or the interval between correspondence. As I say, a certain amount of thing comes down to how needy you are.

I think it can be a lot more complicated than simply not being arsed or not caring.

Explaining all the cr*p that is happening all at the same time is not exactly cheerful. It's humiliating and grim. Getting others involved is not always helpful.

My real friends waited it out, took my call when I surfaced and helped me get back to normality.

I started out being supportive and kind and tolerant of friends who vanished, on the basis that they just needed a bit of understanding and grace, but when they all just failed to return after, in some cases, years... I stopped approaching it that way. It kinda is what it is. I have a few childfree friends now, and I've found that much better.

I can't see much difference between the response "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" your awful friends are giving, and your ideal response of "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"
Basically both saying, I have other things to be doing right now!

Exactly my thoughts when I read the OP. Can't see the difference here.

@RedToothBrush performance friendship!
I think you have a very different idea of friendship to me. You seem to be talking about the friends we all made when we had less responsibilities and check in with maybe once or twice a year or even less. Yes I still see these people and it is good to be in touch with them But the friendship is built on spending lots of time in the past together. And I think can quickly fall apart if either changes quite a bit.

@JudyGemstone

I think friendships are like flowers, you have to put time into nurturing them or they wither and die. Obviously at certain times of life this is harder to do, especially if at different life stages. But it’s important to make time.

I do often see posts here from people who are upset that they have no friends/social circle. I wonder if some of these were too busy with babies/work etc to make time for friendships that then drifted?

That's true and you do get out what you put in. But some people are absurdly punitive about stuff like this.

You see posts all the time saying "my friend didn't respond to my text for two days, should I dump her?" And then people come on saying "she's not a friend". It's ridiculous.

Long-term, durable friendships can survive a bit of push and pull... friendships have rhythms and sometimes people fall away for a bit and then you pick up again. Not all of this is due to maliciousness or neglect: sometimes life gets in the way and people are tired/busy/depressed. If you want your friendship to really survive long-term you have to be a bit grown up about it and not fly off the handle because your texts aren't responded to within hours.

If ever there was an excuse for not being super responsive on text/WhatsApp/SM, then having a baby is it.

I feel like people are being really quite harsh on OP.

For lots of people, friends are really important and a big part of their lives. I know it isn't the same for everyone, but it is for some - my friends are like my family. 3 of them have had babies over the past year or so and it definitely would have upset me if they had just cut contact with me.

Tbh though I would say it's probably an indicator of how close your relationship really is as I think truly close friends would still think to send the odd text, even if it's just an apology for not being able to be in touch as much. They tend to want to see you/speak to you themselves, rather than just responding to your messages when needed. To be consistently ignored for weeks would let me know that this person wasn't too fussed about me.

Anyway you are the kind of person where friends are a priority or they are not. They are for me. But I gave up on those who just see friends as someone you meet up occasionally to go to the cinema.

For me the question would be, do yu not talk to your mum or sister because you have a baby? If the answer is yes, then fine. But actually some people find time for family, but see friends as a low priority.
We all prioritise how we use our time. If you are not prioritised by people who you thought cared about you, find others who will prioritise you.