Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

[yellowleaves123]

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

Some people just cant be arsed replying and they don't have to. They don't owe you anything. I don't even have a baby and it can take weeks for me to muster the energy to have a conversation with someone via text, it takes up more mind space for some people than you realise and not everyone is as involved with friends as you might think or maybe your a lot more involved than you realise.

Don't take it personal and let your friends breathe, I'm sure its not intentional

@julieca

For me the question would be, do yu not talk to your mum or sister because you have a baby? If the answer is yes, then fine. But actually some people find time for family, but see friends as a low priority. We all prioritise how we use our time. If you are not prioritised by people who you thought cared about you, find others who will prioritise you.

Surely you realise it’s not that simple? I keep in touch with my mum more than my friends, sure, but that’s partly because she’s generally free for a chat during the day and she doesn’t mind if I FaceTime her while doing play doh with my 3 year old or if I have to hang up two minutes after we start talking because the newborn has just done a poo. Most of my friends either work or also have young kids so our windows of availability during the day don’t match up, and they’re not wildly keen on taking part in a FaceTime colouring session with a rowdy toddler. It’s not about priorities often, it’s about what’s doable.

Okay my mum was working when my kids were young, so it is directly comparable for me and many women.
But then I don't have the kind of friendships that are only conducted over a formal night out.

End of the day OP is people treasure their friendships they will make an effort regardless of circumstances. Recently a friend was studying for exams, she just let me know she would have her head in books for a month and once her exam was over she was back in contact.

I think if you treasure your friendships with people you let them know if your not going tobe available alot for certain time. Its just respectful really and not exactly a hardship or time consuming to do.

Anything else is just poor excuses.

If you value your friends nothing is too hard to do.

@HardbackWriter yes I understand, you prioritise. So do I . And I don't bother with people who don't prioritise me.

If I get distracted after reading but before replying to a message then it is very likely that I will forget to come back to it for a while. Getting distracted has become much more likely since I have had children. It is as simple as that.

I do the same to many people including my own mother. I and most of my friends work, as does my mum.

@NMC2022

YANBU I haven't spoken to well, I guess she's an ex friend now? We were friends for 18 years, she had a baby and bang, now she just wants to see her mum friends The implication being I'm not as important because I don't have DC. I'm quite happy to go to a farm day or soft play or whatever but I haven't even had a text. For 3 years

People say "oh people with no friends are weird"
Yeah well all mine had children and vanished, I stopped texting because I thought I would see who messaged and..

Exactly the same experience here.

My only advice is make friends with childless/childfree people. Haven't had a single issue there, even with MH difficulties/COVID/general life exhaustion etc.

@mabelsApron

True and then I've seen my ex friends who had kids now come running back and wanting to be friends again cos their kids are grown up and think they can just pick up the friendship where they decided to drop it, like its no big deal and now that they have time for me I should be okay with that.

Well tough luck to them, should of valued our friendship more and made some time back then.

And you see it on here often, threads about people complaining they have no friends or its hard to make friends now the kids are older... well enjoy your lonely life you prioritised your kids and well that comes with consequences.

I dont expect people with children to continue to maintain same level of contact or meeting up but seems to be too extreme in that its basically nothing at all.

@Dreamstate I would so want to say fuck off to them. I wouldn't, but I would think it.
You cant just drop people for years and expect to pick up when it suits you.

[quote julieca]@Dreamstate I would so want to say fuck off to them. I wouldn't, but I would think it.
You cant just drop people for years and expect to pick up when it suits you.[/quote]
Haha yeah me 2 but just a waste of breath even saying it. Itd be like but but my child...🙄...yeah we get it you had a kid first year itll be hard got that blah blah blah but its pretty poor after that.

My own sister has not even found 30mins to come see me at my house in 3yrs since she had her first, too busy with stuff. I always go to her. Its really appalling.

There’s a very unforgiving tone to some of these posts and I’m not sure it has to be that way. I think a lot of this is just about different approaches to friendship. One person’s good, committed friend is clearly another person’s needy nightmare, and one person’s flaky disaster is another’s easy going, understanding best friend. Let’s embrace the differences, people! To be clear, a lot of my pre-baby friends dropped me, not the other way round. I’ve tried calling them and texting them and because I’m no longer available for drinks and coffees we just never see each other. It’s not their fault — I also moved out of the city and it’s harder to fit things in now. But I’ve invited them to stay, offered to make dinner since getting out is a lot harder for me, that kind of thing. If at some point they have babies and want to pick things up again or, when mine are older, they’re up for meeting up in the way we used to I’d be delighted. So I think some of this is just a different approach to friends. I don’t really mind if a few texts go unanswered (and I’m not great at writing them myself) and I’m perfectly comfortable with the idea that good, strong friendships go through different phases in life. I’m not going to apologise for putting my young children and my husband before my friends, but I wouldn’t expect them to apologise for the same, or for putting dates or nights out on the town before me.

@Roseandgeranium I think I come across unforgiving but as I said earlier in the thread somewhere, I started out with your approach and none of the friends ever returned - one in particular hasn’t responded to me since 2019! I now give up much more quickly. It’s a shame but realistically life is too short for me to keep wasting my energy on people who don’t invest any time or effort whatsoever in a friendship.

Maybe it's you? You seem full on wanting to go round with food etc, I wouldn't want that, I've had a baby, not had my arms amputated.

This might be the case for you, but when I've asked some friends what they'd like as pre-baby gifts, many of them have said nothing but please pop round with cooked meals in a few months time. I wouldn't do it if it was going to be overbearing.

@ChockaChick I did wonder if I was being phased out - and if I was, ok. But I don't think that's the case as I left things for a while and then started receiving texts/phone calls...but then when I answered...no reply again. With a particular relationship.

Sorry, you sound like hard work. I have two kids under 2.5 and DH and I both work full time. Realistically, if I see one friend a month I’m doing really well. I often don’t reply for weeks or months to things and my friends know what it’s like and they’re often the same. We all have really busy lives and chats seem to get longer and longer so they’re more work to reply to.

Just caught up with replies. Thank-you for everyone who has taken the time read my post properly and reply. Some of you have been really kind in understanding that I am feeling a bit hurt which is probably accurate to be honest.

It is helpful to read everyone's replies. Personally I don't think I'm being overbearing. I know these people, and I know that I am doing the things that they have said (at some point) they'd appreciate. I had people being overbearing when my eldest was a baby and I didn't like it. I never want to be an overbearing friend. I also, quite frankly, don't think I have the time to be overbearing! I work 5 days a week and have 2 kids, a house to run...I don't have the time to be pushy.

I don't know why so many people have suggested that I consider myself "mum of the year" as that's not what I'm suggesting when people are able to post on SM 28 times per day can't reply to a text to say "sorry, life's busy, I'll get back to you soon".

Others are right, maybe my friendship isn't really a priority and that's something I can get over.

@Burritogame thank-you for your understanding in your replies.

@FudgeSundae

Sorry, you sound like hard work. I have two kids under 2.5 and DH and I both work full time. Realistically, if I see one friend a month I’m doing really well. I often don’t reply for weeks or months to things and my friends know what it’s like and they’re often the same. We all have really busy lives and chats seem to get longer and longer so they’re more work to reply to.

Your just a shit friend then. Dont blame your busy life.

Maybe it's you? You seem full on wanting to go round with food etc, I wouldn't want that, I've had a baby, not had my arms amputated

I think this is a bit unfair. I know you say you wouldn't want that but it's a very standard thing for friends and family to drop meals off to new parents, at least where I live. I'm not in the UK but I did used to live there and it seemed to be quite common over there too.

I haven’t found my friends to be like this after having children. Maybe sometimes in the first few weeks or if baby is unwell but not generally and not for months on end/ every time I get in touch.

If they’re still able to arrange to do things with other people but you’re constantly getting ignored or ‘sorry I’m busy’ excuses I think the truth is they just aren’t that bothered about your friendship but don’t know how to say that and so are using being busy with the baby as an excuse.