Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

[yellowleaves123]

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

Also, I did have two friends who were as you describe, sort of hard to get hold of like a slippery fish!

Those friendships didn't last and I am not sure why - I think my second child having a life changing disability made them feel overwhelmed. Weirdly, they were both generous and empathetic people and I think when they realised I was struggling physically and emotionally, they didn't feel they could handle it (which I respect).

I was hurt at the time but my really longstanding friends are still there, despite me being shit at replying to texts etc. It was a good test of which friendships are rock solid and which are more of a 'fling' imo.

Just concentrate on those who are worth the energy.

I don’t understand why posters start going in details about their own experiences of not having time for anything other than baby or not leaving home for months, when OP has clearly mentioned this friend has time to go out with other mum friends and post photos on social media.
Can someone tell me why posters ignore what is written in OP and start using own imagination?

I think there is a difference between not texting someone back for a while and going to a mum/baby group. I will be the first to admit, I have in the past not replied back for a long time, usually its because I read the message quickly in the early hours of the morning and promptly forgot about it. I was embarrassed to find that I had forgotten completely about a text my friend sent...for about a month. Luckily she understood and we met up for a walk a week later.

A baby group is different, in that it's usually a set time and day, you know when its happening, you prepare for it, its a physical thing that you plan.
Replying to a text is something that you can have every intention of doing, but it can easily slip your mind. Its definitely not personal.

I have a friend like this at the moment and in all honestly I'm just letting her get on with it. I check in every time she does finally respond. Even though I wasn't like this myself when I had a newborn. I can still sympathise it can be quite overwhelming and also their circumstances may differ to your own so it's unfair to judge. Perhaps they have other children to take care of or receive less help.

You are being unreasonable.

You have no idea that someone's home life is like.

Not Every parent and family will deal with a situation the same as you. Someone who had had a baby at the same time/ is the same age may struggle a lot more than you do.

Having a baby is hard and no baby is the same. some babies are easy and some are really hard.

Some people have lots of family help some don't.

everyone deals differently and I think you need to cut them some slack.

Their priority is obviously looking after the child during a pandemic and doing what is best for them. The last thing they will need is to worry about loosing a friend (especially when they would probably assume that with you having children you understand the struggles).

I am with @DeepaBeesKit. I think if it is bothering then you have a right to be bothered by it.

I see all too often people be so willing to be kind and considerate to other people and give them a pass for all kinds of reasons but not to expect it in return and then you get to a point in your life when you realise that some people are just taking the piss and were never a good friend.

I too now would much rather have 1 to 2 really, really good close friends than spending time on people who are not willing to spend the time back.

It may be time for you to pull back and focus on yourself and try and find some new friends.

Bloody hell. When I had newborns I could barely stand up. Returning peoples messages would have been way down my list of priorities.

@Icebreaker99 and those who are saying Op can’t be sure if a friend has PND, same logic can be applied to any other human ignoring you, you don’t know if they are going through a hard time, depression.

But most times we judge based on what we see, so why are we lecturing OP and making assuming that we random strangers know more than OP does?

If you don’t have a minute in 2 weeks to respond to a text but have time to go out with meet-up groups and then post photos, it’s not so unreasonable of OP to think PND is not the reason for lack of the response.

OP has clearly mentioned this friend has time to go out with other mum friends and post photos on social media.
I think there’s a huge difference in energy levels and what’s required between “turn up to NCT new mum with same-age baby meetups”, where you can more or less pretend/not engage your brain – someone tells you where you’re meeting, show up, eat cake, discuss volume of nappies/milk sicks/sleep” while not really having to be honest/yourself; may also get the HV off your back if you’ve got PND and want to mask “Oh yes I’m seeing my NCT group, look” – and text chats.
There’s something about text chats that feels intrusive or hard work to people, particularly depressed people. And harder to mask with a friend from Before Baby.

@FictionalCharacter, read the OP. It’s not about you.
Friend is mother to 11 month old, can stand up and go attend meet-up groups.

Your post is another example of people ignoring what’s written in OP, and talking from own experience.

i think yabu. i have an 8 month old and often don’t reply to people for a while because i see a message pop up, am distracted with something else, and then literally do forget for ages to reply

also consider that some people are dealing with partners wfh and therefore feel really overwhelmed and touched out and etc etc and just want to be left alone. i personally feel like shutting off to the world quite often as i can’t recharge otherwise. might be rude but needs must n

@hotmeatymilk, agreed about meeting mothers in similar stages but she is also posting meet-up photos. How much mental energy is required to write 2 line text message? ‘feeling overwhelmed, tired etc. How are you?’ Op hasn’t sent her a complex spreadsheet for analysis.

You arent being rude op. But you are being narrow and close minded.

You think just because your experience was one way that everyone should follow suit, and can't understand when they don't?

As a young ftm who experienced pregnancy during a pandemic, gave birth alone, and now has a 1 plus year old that DOES.NOT.SLEEP. i barely have time for myself, my relationship or healing from my pnd as much dc takes it all up. My friends know i have love for them, but just like how when they get into new relationships and disappear for a while that and no one feels any type of way i should be able to expect the same level of understanding from them.

I think you need to stop taking it so personally and try being more open to different circumstances and that not everyone is not the same as you.

@Burritogame I'm not entirely sure what your point is but as someone who had a lockdown baby and PND and struggled until my child was 18 months I don't have a lot of sympathy with the OP moaning about new parents not returning her chit-chat.

@yellowleaves123 YANBU. Focus on those friendships who have mental energy to type you one line message
To all poster, who think it takes a lot of me tal energy to respond to text, OP has 2 small kids too - one born in pandemic.

Totally different dashing out of the door to a baby group than arranging a regular meet-up with old friends, often going to a baby group is pretty straightforward, no planning really, just all show up or someone invites you all to soft play and again, you just turn up. No extra planning or logistics to worry about, or getting your diary out before you suggest something. Your friends probably think they'll have a proper catch up with you later when they have a minute to themselves, then it's the next day and they're still bumbling through it all, and on it goes.

Some people on this post (not necessarily you OP) come across as very needy and demanding of other peoples time.

Just because you've messaged someone doesn't mean you're entitled to an instantaneous response. Quite frankly others have better things to be getting on with, and unless you're message is about something urgent they have every right to ignore you until they're ready to respond.

If they didn't have a mobile phone what would you do? You'd call their landline. When I used to have a landline I'd let it go to answer phone in the evenings and only call back if it was something/someone important.

People (quite rightly) guard their free time and allocate it to things that are important to them. If you don't fit into that category then maybe stop pestering the other person?

And to answer a point raised by @DeepaBeesKit I wouldn't dream of asking someone I don't feel the need to text back regularly for help if I need something. Clearly our relationship isn't at the level where I can make those kind of requests from them.

OP if you feel your friend isn't prioritising you then stop making them a priority.

Perhaps they’re just politely trying to phase you out of their lives OP. I co fess I have done with these people. I didn’t want to actually be rude or ignore them, yet I kept on emphasising how busy I was and spacing out the responses so that they’d hopefully get the hint.

PS I should add to that that I’m sure people have done the same to me over the years too.

@Icebreaker99, Op has a lockdown baby too. My point is your experience may or may not be similar to this friend with 11 months old.
OP didn’t ask for any chit chat. She sends occasional message to which she doesn’t get response for weeks.
Sorry to hear about your experience. Hope you are doing better.
But if you don’t want your loved ones to text you or check on you, tell them to leave you alone for whatever time you need.

Hmm I do see your point but some people’s priorities just change. I think that’s life.
My SIL is the same and her kids are now 4 and 5. She literally will reply a month later answering my text with not even any explanation, I don’t even get worked up anymore. I’d just let it go and focus on friends who do reply.

I get it OP, it can feel really hurtful, especially when you've made a lot of effort yourself to visit, ask about the baby, see if they need any help etc etc.

I think it's just one of those things where no one means any harm, but new mums are just frazzled and trying to get through the day, they're not necessarily worrying about their friendships. They are probably using all their social energy to keep in touch with family and in-laws etc.

It does feel hurtful but equally it does generally tend to pass as things ease up for them.

Lots of people here seem to feel very entitled to other people's attention and time...

If I'm stressed or busy, then chit-chat messages from my friends are the very bottom of my priority list. I've always felt the same, even before I had a baby. I'll reply at some point, yes sometimes that may take a few weeks! It would be different if a friend messaged me in need of something or if they were having a hard time - that would always get a quick reply from me.

It seems I've made a good group of friends though, as they all do the exact same to me. Some of them never reply at all to some messages! But I'm sensible enough not to take it personally. If I need a chat about something serious or if I need their help, they always reply quickly so why would I work myself up about it?

@Burritogame I'm not going to argue with you because I think you have good intentions and I appreciate your response, I don't know exactly what the OP is asking but for me "how are you?" Texts are chit chat, they require a response that for a new parent might mean they have to lie, they also have to ask the sender how they are in return in order to be polite. As it was I did respond to messages as I was afraid of losing friendships. Anyway I still think the OP is being unreasonable but I can see that she is hurt, but sometimes you have to put yourself in the others shoes and extend grace. I'm waffling now but hopefully I've made myself sort of clear.

Such over reaction to OP, OP has not pestered her friend. Op is only sharing her feelings on a forum, not sure why people are calling her unkind, needy.
If you believe you are entitled to guard your time by not responding for weeks, Op’s time should hold some value too. She has 2 kids one below 2 and she is entitled to wonder if she should prioritise this friendship.