Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

[yellowleaves123]

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

Also to give an example of where there might be something else going on.

DH has a friend who is somewhat flaky. Nice guy. DH just accepts him for that. He will have periods where he just completely disappears and doesn't reply and then pops up again and is amazing, goes out of his way to help etc etc. DH would trust his life with this guy (and does). He recently had a period of this and DH was a little worried but just thought it was normal flakiness. He then bumped into a mutual friend and this guy came up in conversation. It turned out his business had gone bust, he'd lost everything, he'd split up with his gf and had upped sticks and moved to another part of the country. Hadn't told another soul about any of it. The other person only found out by contacting the gf as paid work the guy was supposed to have done hadn't been done. DH has since been in touch with flaky friend - it seems he has an issue with ongoing severe depression and finds it hard to talk to people at time when things are going badly. He just shuts down and finds talking to people impossible. He was in quite a bad place. DH just kept saying 'i wish I'd know, I'd have tried to help'.

Its hard to know with some people. People have friendships which mean a lot and are important but also have life throwing up all sorts too.

Not all friendships are joined at the hip friendships - I think those are quite unhealthy anyway.

I am definitely that friend - I think you’re being too demanding - there is so much going on that you may not be aware of, and brain space for me often feels very limited!

You think joined at the hip friendships are unhealthy!!
You mean people who are actually close and talk and would know a friend suffered from periodic depression?

Yanbu. I had none sleeping premature twins and still managed to get back to my friends.

Yanbu, it is rude to leave people hanging, especially if they find time to regularly post on social media. An occasional forgotten response is fine of course, but taking weeks between every message? Don’t get me started on people that don’t even read messages for weeks (we all know you’re on your phone purposely not opening them so the ticks don’t turn blue) — what if it’s a time sensitive question they’re ignoring? Perhaps try to gravitate towards people who have similar text communication styles to you.

There could be many, many reasons for this.

Some new mums may be having a hard time. Non-sleepers, colicky babies, PND, loneliness or lack of a support network. It's not difficult to think of reasons why they may not be on top of things.

Other friends may always have been flaky, in which case they're not going to improve now they've had a baby.

Some may not view getting back to you as a priority.

I agree with you and think they are rude. It doesn't take a minute to drop a text saying that you are having a hard time and not yet up for meeting up. However maybe they are finding you a bit overwhelming so let them take a lead in communication?

I have a 15 week old baby, she sleeps through, drinks well but has reflux so pukes a lot. I go to 2 baby groups a week but other than that haven't met up with anyone socially for longer than an hour unless they come to mine. I have a son who goes to nursery so am only really free for meet ups in the morning and tbh would rather use that time to cook, clean or exercise. I don't respond to texts or calls straight away but will do so when I can and thats always in the next day or two. This is my 3rd baby though and not my first and she and I are both fairly chilled.

My sister on the other hand has had her first baby, he has colic, doesn't sleep well and it is often midday before she gets dressed. That for her is a win, I don't expect her to respond to me there and then and just leave communication up to her. She usually gets back to me of an evening when her dh finishes work and helps her out. I was similar when I had my eldest child.

I think they are being rude but probably not meaning to be. I would scale back and leave it up to them to contact you.

Some new mums may be having a hard time. Non-sleepers, colicky babies, PND, loneliness or lack of a support network. It's not difficult to think of reasons why they may not be on top of things

Loneliness and lack of support network is a great reason to reach out to friends though surely? OP is there, actively trying to be a support network.

It doesn't take a minute to drop a text saying that you are having a hard time and not yet up for meeting up.

It can take a lot for someone to even realise they're having a hard time, let alone admit it to other people.

If you expect people to disclose that when they don't want to talk to you I'm glad you're not my friend.

@heldinadream

Personally I think anyone who has had a baby during covid and still knows which way is up and has cleaned their teeth every day is doing fabulously. For as long as it takes. That includes you OP! People are very different in their capacity to cope, but that particular combination - and whatever else they've got going on like WFH etc - is potentially a recipe for overwhelm. I'd be cutting all the slack I could muster.

Anyone having a baby now knew they were in a pandemic- I didn’t, pregnant before the first lockdown - so they can jog on with that excuse for having a hard time

OnlyFoolsnMothers hope you're getting on okay

I will also say that the Venn diagram between the friends who stop communicating the moment they have a baby and the friends who take offence at you not showing sufficient interest in their baby is a circle.

Loneliness and lack of support network is a great reason to reach out to friends though surely?
It's a circle, you feel rubbish and don't bother contacting people, wonder why they're not contacting you then when they do you think 'I'm just not bothered. (I can't believe now I thought like that but I did. I have 4 kids and was in a fog for years and now I'm watching my friends go through it and trying to be there in the background when I can)

I have twin two year olds and a small baby. Replying to other people at their convenience is simply not the top of my list right now. I do this to literally everyone mostly because I mean to reply later and then forget, but also because Sometimes I just can’t muster up the energy to think of what to say. And I love my friends but tbh I hate the effort of trying to maintain a friendship with someone you don’t see often if you feel obliged to talk all the time.

I wouldn’t take it personally and give people some slack, if the situation was ever flipped I’m sure they will be understanding too.

I always say the best friends are ones you don’t see for months and then when you do it’s like you were never apart 💙

@LittleMysSister

Some new mums may be having a hard time. Non-sleepers, colicky babies, PND, loneliness or lack of a support network. It's not difficult to think of reasons why they may not be on top of things

Loneliness and lack of support network is a great reason to reach out to friends though surely? OP is there, actively trying to be a support network.

It doesn't always work like that. I remember sobbing at home and feeling like a failure because my baby had been screaming all night and morning and I wasn't showered or dressed. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to reply to friendly messages from friends or meet up with other mums who looked like they had everything together.

@julieca

Anyway you are the kind of person where friends are a priority or they are not. They are for me. But I gave up on those who just see friends as someone you meet up occasionally to go to the cinema.

Friends are a priority for me, too - but I just have less time for them now that I have children, a lot less. So I had to either cut quantity or quality of friends - I went for quantity, so I have a few friends that I still make a big effort with. But there were a few who I did like but I wasn't so close to, and to be honest those friendships I've allowed to drift. They might think that I 'stopped bothering with my friends when I had a baby' but the truth is that I didn't stop bothering with friends per se, I became much choosier about who I bothered with.

With mobiles we get too many messages these days. You have to keep immediately family happy to start with. Add in a new baby exhaustion, covid fatigue we're all bombarded with pings from morning till night. One friend today has pinged the world that shock horror Boris is speaking again at 5pm. I really don't know how to respond to that

YABU. I have an 18 month old who only just started sleeping through the night (was still breastfed until a couple of weeks ago). She would regularly wake up 4 times a night and with lack of sleep and juggling full time work I can regularly forget to reply back. My friends are supportive and understand that I will see them when I’m in the right mental frame of mind and that it may take me a few weeks to reply as frankly keeping them happy is not a priority atm. You sound like a high maintenance friend I would keep putting off as the neediness is not something I need. Really sorry OP but you just have to get over yourself and realise that just because you managed and won mum of the year, other parents are different and you are not a priority to them.

What @Goldbar said

As well meaning as people can be, sometimes I have to look after my own MH and avoid anyone who seems like they are managing it all when I feel like shit

@LostForIdeas:

TragicallyUnbeyachted, can I ask how you can decide if someone is genuinely struggling or if they are taking the piss and being rude

You don't know. You have a choice to have your working assumption be "friend is a nice person; if they aren't getting back to me then they are probably struggling or have something going on in their life that they haven't shared with me" or to have it be "friend is taking the piss and being rude".

I suggest that one of these assumptions is better for everyone. It doesn't hurt you to assume the best of people in small social interactions where you're not being asked to invest heavily, and it's likely to make you happier in the long run.

When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor's mantra (I was a very nervous driver) was "it will help you no end if you can bring yourself to believe that, by and large, other drivers are not going to crash into you if they can avoid it". This is just the social version of that. Most people are nice enough. And you've chosen friends because you thought they were good people. Have faith in that and don't rush to assume the worst of them just because you can.

I'm that friend. I have a 5YO DS and have been like it since he was born...although, def more distant now as have 6month DS too so it's pretty crazy here!

I'm someone that needs downtime, alone, to decompress from the day. This typically means that come 7:30/8pm when both boys are in bed I am in front of TV or a book relaxing for an hour or so until I go to bed. In that time, I don't want to look at my phone and reply to endless messages on whatsapp group threads tbh. It's my only hours in the day. When I'm not on mat leave, I work FT in a very demanding job. I'll be going back to that in a few weeks time and my life will be even busier then so I will probably be even worse at messaging! It's not that I am being rude - it's self preservation in some ways. I burn out if I am constantly on the go etc. and as awful as it sounds, at times my brain only has enough capacity to think about myself, the kids and running the house and I feel like there's no space for anything else!

My friends know that I'm not an avid messager by now (a few of us in our group are similar to me) and if they really need me or want to arrange a catch up etc. then they call me directly or catch me in the playground/pop round. I do try to go to catch-ups and meetings in person when I can though (even if I might not feel like I want to go, I do push myself and always have fun when I'm out) - I'm just not a fan of daily bloody messaging!

So, YABU. Just because you manage to keep all social relationships in tip-top shape during child rearing years doesn't mean we all can. Different circumstances, different personalities and all that....

YANBU
I haven't spoken to well, I guess she's an ex friend now? We were friends for 18 years, she had a baby and bang, now she just wants to see her mum friends
The implication being I'm not as important because I don't have DC. I'm quite happy to go to a farm day or soft play or whatever but I haven't even had a text. For 3 years

People say "oh people with no friends are weird"
Yeah well all mine had children and vanished, I stopped texting because I thought I would see who messaged and..

By the way, as anyone's who been the first in their NCT group to go back to work can tell you - the reason that women with little babies often seem to be favouring their 'mum friends' ('why does she have time for them and not me?!') isn't because they only want to spend time with people who have also procreated or because they now hate their childfree friends. It's because they want to see other people who are also free at 10.30 on a Tuesday morning, and happy to do something that will revolve entirely around the babies, with an endpoint dictated by naptime. That's why 'new mum' friendships so frequently fizzle out if either party goes back to work full or nearly full-time.

@HardbackWriter - That's so true!
SO much easier to meet up with NCT/mummy friends where I don't have to worry about talking about anything other than baby, or concern myself with finding childcare for kids. To meet my 'actual' friends, it's usually for a meal or drink and that inevitably involves childcare arrangements/checking DH will be home at a certain time to give me a chance to change from my baby-sick stained mum-uniform and sort bedtime while I go out. Sometimes, all that just seems like a massive effort. Often by 5pm I just want to flake out and sleep...so opportunities to meet up with my 'actual' friends at 7/8pm for dinner isn't so inticing right now!