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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

219 replies

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:20

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

OP posts:
RowanAlong · 15/12/2021 11:33

Sounds normal to me. You obviously have someone in mind, and it’s just you’ve fallen way down the pecking list in terms of what/who that friend needs when she’s just had a baby. Not everyone ‘copes’ like you do and manages to carry on as normal.

lockdownalli · 15/12/2021 11:38

I am not sure what's going on here. Are you quite, erm, vocal about your baby rearing skills?

When my friends had new babies, I had loads of contact from them. Can you do x, y , z with me? Can you mind the baby whilst I go to Tesco? One of my boobs is the size of a watermelon, what do I do?

mistermagpie · 15/12/2021 11:40

I've had three babies in the past six years so I'm familiar with the territory.

What I found was that when I was busy (this is the case for life in general to be fair, not just with a baby!) I would prioritise being in touch with the people I wanted to be in touch with. Other friends/acquaintances might fall by the wayside a bit, because maybe we weren't as close so I wasn't as fussed about keeping in touch. Not to be unkind, but maybe you're not as important to them as you think.

I also think it's way easier to send a photo to a chat group than compose a message, it takes two seconds but still shows you're engaging. Do don't judge on that basis.

julieca · 15/12/2021 11:43

@PinkWednesdays You misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with taking a year off, or 5 years off to look after a baby or toddler. But most do manage to do other things as well such as seeing friends and family.
I always suspect it is about priorities. If you can get to a baby group, then you can have a quick chat with a friend.

Hereslookinatyoukid · 15/12/2021 11:43

@heldinadream

Personally I think anyone who has had a baby during covid and still knows which way is up and has cleaned their teeth every day is doing fabulously. For as long as it takes. That includes you OP! People are very different in their capacity to cope, but that particular combination - and whatever else they've got going on like WFH etc - is potentially a recipe for overwhelm. I'd be cutting all the slack I could muster.
This 100%.

And, remember, you literally have no idea whether someone has PND, a never-sleeping reflux baby, newly-emerged DV issues, major health issues post-birth themselves, or 101 other things. You can’t look at their social media or even what else they seem to be coping with, and judge whether they are coping ok.

cadburyegg · 15/12/2021 11:45

I think that perhaps you aren't that important to them, sorry. Since I became a single mum I just don't have the time or headspace to maintain the same amount of friendships that I used to have. I had to refine who I wanted to make the effort with and some less close friends I had to leave behind.

Generalpost · 15/12/2021 11:47

I have never really understood the new born/young baby thing. About being busy just had a baby etc. Unless they are colicky /sick . All new borns do is sleep. I used to want people round or chats on the phone etc. I would get bored

FTEngineerM · 15/12/2021 11:51

Ha - I am very glad you’re not my friend. You’re far too precious, life is busy for you and for me. Accept it and don’t be so bold as to think you deserve a reply 😂

MindyStClaire · 15/12/2021 11:52

@Generalpost

I have never really understood the new born/young baby thing. About being busy just had a baby etc. Unless they are colicky /sick . All new borns do is sleep. I used to want people round or chats on the phone etc. I would get bored
All newborns do is sleep.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I hate you a little bit. Grin Many many babies never get that particular memo.

Roseandgeranium · 15/12/2021 11:53

I understand your frustration, OP, especially if it’s leaving you feeling lonely or neglected, but if these people matter to you I’d recommend cutting them some slack. I’ve been sporadically HOPELESS at replying to messages and calls since having kids (youngest is 11 weeks). It’s not that I don’t want to, but: (I) my babies have never been particularly good nappers so I don’t have a lot of time during the day; (ii) I’m incredibly disorganised and I just forget stuff all the time — it’s not for want of trying and I best myself up about it all the time, but I cannot seem to improve, at least while I’m in the trenches of baby care; (iii) I really do care about my friends so I want to get messages right, especially to those people (most) that I’m conscious of having neglected so I try to find a time when I can do it properly and I just don’t get round to it. It’s really rubbish, I know, especially since I can apparently find time to post on MN while baby feeds, but there it is. Now you might think I’m just an awful person and friend — I’m sure many do! — but I’d never write someone off for being a bit crap about communication or for flaking. We just have different strengths, weaknesses, and tolerances.

minatrina · 15/12/2021 11:54

@Generalpost

I have never really understood the new born/young baby thing. About being busy just had a baby etc. Unless they are colicky /sick . All new borns do is sleep. I used to want people round or chats on the phone etc. I would get bored
As someone currently desperately trying to get my newborn down for a nap so I can make myself at least a cup of sodding tea let alone some food for the first time today, I would like to refute this comment 🤣
LoveMyPiano · 15/12/2021 11:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and you are trying see others' points of view, as a caring friend.

I am old-fashioned enough to think that our ways of communication these days are so strange and counter-productive, to the extent that rudeness is almost a default setting. And expecting more than a text message response (if that....), when you are keeping communication open and offering support, is seen as expecting too much..... I think you are trying to be a good friend, and admire you for it.

So, with "Times" the way they are, and modern "communciation" being what it it, it is a bit like pushing waer uphill; new motherhood aside.... (even though that is actually the main reason/excuse). However it plays out, don't let it get you down too much - and maybe put those friendships on the back burner for a bit, and take care of youself, mentally and spirtually, becuase there is only so much you can do before you stop making an effort and put your own well-being first.

BlusteringBoobies · 15/12/2021 12:01

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread and I can see what you're saying but I would still conclude YABU

I also have a just under 2 and am due again soon. I've never been that quick at replying as I'll glance at my phone during my lunch break and then not get a look again until the end of the day so would often forget for a day or so.

But motherhood turned my world on it's head. I didn't have PND and my baby didn't have colic or anything but the lack of sleep floored me. I don't think you can say 'at 4 months' they should be kind of used to it. I wasn't!

My DS didn't really get into a routine until 6 months, then I had to contend with weaning which was a nightmare. Then I was back at work and juggling 3 months of him being continuously sick and me still having to work.

It was bloody hard. Luckily I have a solid friendship base and I am that friend who won't reply for a week and then say how much I miss everyone. And I genuinely mean it! I am exhausted but would LOVE to book in a girls lunch and see/speak to them more frequently but my mental capacity is so filled with juggling working and motherhood (and pregnancy) that I sometimes get it wrong. And BTW my DH is great and very hands on - and I still struggle!

Pinklaptopz · 15/12/2021 12:04

You sound like a very nice friend. People’s survival modes might differ. Perhaps they take your friendship for granted, but I am sure that you will all find each other in the end.

eggsfor1 · 15/12/2021 12:05

@heldinadream

Personally I think anyone who has had a baby during covid and still knows which way is up and has cleaned their teeth every day is doing fabulously. For as long as it takes. That includes you OP! People are very different in their capacity to cope, but that particular combination - and whatever else they've got going on like WFH etc - is potentially a recipe for overwhelm. I'd be cutting all the slack I could muster.
This
4pmwinetimebebeh · 15/12/2021 12:06

I think OP its partly because new mothers seek out other mothers in the same situation at the time as they feel they 'get them'. Even an experienced mother with 2 children who will clearly have 'been there done that' isn't in the moment, living it with you. Thats why NCT groups get so close, why your friends may be prioritising other mums. When I went to groups with my second I would see FTMs lose interest if I mentioned my older child as I was, to them, in a different zone, different vibe and not what they were looking for. As a second time mum I could see that was a bit silly but imagine I may have been the same. You crave a gang of sleep deprived over thinking FTMs to pour your heart out to. They will hopefully come back!

MabelsApron · 15/12/2021 12:06

I kinda feel for the OP. I've seen a lot of my friends basically forget about me entirely when they had babies and found new mum friends. Occasionally they'd reach out to me when they noticed I hadn't sent a gift for the most recent birthday or whatever, but that's all.

I do understand that priorities change and life is stressful and everyone's overwrought but there are absolutely people who just aren't interested in their friends anymore once they have their 'little family'.

Wnikat · 15/12/2021 12:07

I think everyone should be let off everything in the first year of having a baby. Including sex and family Christmas.

BertramLacey · 15/12/2021 12:11

I appreciate other people's views as I guess I'm not sure what is the norm and what isn't. Would you say that having an 11 month old, making efforts to post photos of meet ups with other mums, but still not responding to contact for about 3 weeks is normal?

I think what you're finding is that some people you thought you were good friends with see you as more of a friendly acquaintance. That's not a slight on you. We can't all get on with everyone. Plus you say when you had yours there were no baby groups so your experience would have been different. You'd have had more time for individual friendships. They're now concentrating their time on seeing groups.

I think sometimes you just have to accept that someone you thought was a good friend doesn't see you as quite as much of a priority. In those cases, I just respond in kind. Still be friendly and take an interest, but don't make them that much of a priority.

Chely · 15/12/2021 12:12

I found it the other way around.
I was 1st to have a baby and friends spoke to me less and less because I couldn't go on nights out at short notice anymore or I'd have to bring baby along to catch ups. Didn't really bother making new friends either so now my circle is very small.

stayathomer · 15/12/2021 12:15

One message leads to another message, while at the same time someone else is messaging you and you're trying to do a million things. Yes mothers are rude but they're tired and they have obligations, as do people who have to care, have busy jobs, demanding pets etc. My friend always says if you don't reply I'll assume it's the kids but you have to do the same for me. You need to become that friend because some day you won't have time to pick up the phone, or you will be trying to not let your kids see you always on the phone!!!

stayathomer · 15/12/2021 12:17

I appreciate other people's views as I guess I'm not sure what is the norm and what isn't. Would you say that having an 11 month old, making efforts to post photos of meet ups with other mums, but still not responding to contact for about 3 weeks is normal?
Yes if the mums form your new circle actually, maybe because of child activities they regularly bump into each other or something!

HardbackWriter · 15/12/2021 12:17

@julieca

I was back at work within 3 months of having mine. I don't really understand how some women don't seem able to do anything except look after a baby for a year or more. But then we did controlled crying back then so we did sleep.
But presumably when you were back at work you had childcare? I find I can do more in my lunch hour when I'm at work than I can in all day at home with a 3 year old and a 10 month old - and I have more energy in the evenings on work days, too!
SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 15/12/2021 12:25

You have no idea what someone's mental state is.

I hugely struggled with my first. Looking back, I think I had PND. She didn't sleep. It was all very hard and my husband works away and I have no family in this country.

If you were my friend you wouldn't have known I was finding it hard. It hid it and put on a brave face. I lied.

You say you understand if baby isn't sleeping, or if it's PND... You can't possibly know who is and isn't struggling. And if your friend is taking weeks to reply to a text, then I would say that's a sign that they are probably struggling.

Meatandseventeenveg · 15/12/2021 12:28

Same as @Roseandgeranium, I want to write nice, fun, interesting messages to my friends (unlike the 'God I'm knackered, is it bedtime yet?' messages to DH come about 9am) and sometimes it takes me a while to be able to do so. So honestly, for me, if I take a long time replying it's actually because I care more, not less!