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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

219 replies

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:20

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

OP posts:
Greenfields124 · 15/12/2021 10:51

@Stompythedinosaur

I think it is hard to understand the impact lack of sleep has on mental processing until you have been there. I didn't think about friends as I was concentrating on surviving. It was a bloody horrendous time tbh.
This!^
Teeheehee1579 · 15/12/2021 10:52

@JabNotInArm

You put a lot of caveats in your post (PND, baby not sleeping, etc) which basically could apply to any one of your friends without you realising.
Wholeheartedly agree here. Our friends tell us a lot less than we think they do especially when it’s tough.
Bexxe · 15/12/2021 10:53

it baffles me too.

I had a close friend give birth during COVID - so couldn't really see eachother but made the effort to text/call. Always me first, which is fine.

But my life got busy, and i forgot to call one week. Then a few more went by until i remembered again - by now i was barely getting a response if i did call or text.

All for a few months later to be 'told off' for not making enough effort.
I get new mums are busy - but why is it down to everyone else to stay in contact. and then be blamed for not making the effort?!

Baffles me

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2021 10:56

@JabNotInArm

You put a lot of caveats in your post (PND, baby not sleeping, etc) which basically could apply to any one of your friends without you realising.
I was just going to write this.
MarvEll · 15/12/2021 10:58

Sorry don't mean to be unkind, but I think you're asking a lot of them with pretend caveat understandings, without really understanding. I meant specifically that you're upset they're prioritising posting about hanging out with other mom friends and not with you... When really, maybe that's just where they're at right now?
I have a little covid baby and I'm aware I am SO BORING -- hanging out with mum's can be easier, or in my case (not saying you're doing this) listening to their whinging about shit that I don't think even matters (because my priorities are very different right now), just isn't what I want to do.
So maybe they're not that into you right now because of of any of the stuff they might be going through.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be unkind.
Also I totally second, if I read a message and don't reply immediately, my brain is doing a hundred other things and I completely forget to reply

TulipsGarden · 15/12/2021 10:59

YABU. Having a baby fries your brain and for a while, friends were not very important to me. I knew they'd still be there when I'd recovered but I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to engage with them.

Now I have a toddler and work full time. I see messages and don't respond because I'm busy, and then the next time I think of that person I go to message them and realise I owe a text. Everyone is the same, to a greater or lesser degree. I would love to go back to seeing my friends every weekend and chatting over text every day, but it's not happening any time soon.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/12/2021 10:59

Congratulations on being supermum OP. Not everyone can hope to reach your level of perfection.

girlmom21 · 15/12/2021 11:00

I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and to be honest, a lot of the time I just can't be arsed with mundane small talk.

If you've got something important to talk to me about, by all means get in touch.

If you're going to ask me if the baby's sleeping well, whether I'm ready for Christmas or how my parents are, kindly jog on.

PetticoatSoldier · 15/12/2021 11:03

YABU. I'd hazard a guess that you are assuming your friends lack of response means they don't care about you and so you are feeling hurt. So, it's actually what you are telling yourself about the situation and not the situation itself that's annoyed you. Yes, after having a baby (or indeed if life is busy in general, baby or not) it's totally normal to not reply to texts for weeks. This doesn't mean your friends don't care, in fact from your subsequent posts it seems they do. Don't read too much into it OP xx

cookiemonster2468 · 15/12/2021 11:08

If these are really your friends, who presumably you care about, then you should be more understanding and let them do what works for them.

Just because you had a baby and wanted to keep close contact with everyone, doesn't mean that everyone you know is the same.

I think you need to relax a bit and let your friends get on with things the way they want to. All friendships wax and wane naturally through life, even close ones, and having a baby is a massive life change. Leave them to it, they will come back if and when they are ready.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2021 11:09

Yabu. It's not up to you to choose if people are friends with you or not. It's up to them.

LadyCleathStuart · 15/12/2021 11:12

I still forget to reply to things and my kids are 8 and 5.

RobotValkyrie · 15/12/2021 11:13

YABU

I struggle with the mental load of keeping in touch with people by text, email, or voice mail. My inbox is always bursting, I find looking at it stressful. I can't keep track of it. It's the first thing I give up on when life gets tough. And life with a baby is tough.

I'm always glad to meet friends and family in person, though. It's really nothing personal. It's about the anxious relationship I have with my overwhelming inbox.

Maybe consider your friends are not you, next time you get frustrated with what they can and can't do?

violetanemone · 15/12/2021 11:14

Quite frankly OP you are being a bit selfish. It's a little ridiculous to think that your needs would be a priority for brand new parents. This time is for them to spend with their baby in any way that works for them, and you are simply not going to be centre stage right in their lives now. If you are actually a good friend then you should not have a problem accepting that.

JudyGemstone · 15/12/2021 11:15

I think friendships are like flowers, you have to put time into nurturing them or they wither and die. Obviously at certain times of life this is harder to do, especially if at different life stages. But it’s important to make time.

I do often see posts here from people who are upset that they have no friends/social circle. I wonder if some of these were too busy with babies/work etc to make time for friendships that then drifted?

VioletUltraViolet · 15/12/2021 11:16

I had PND and couldn’t think further ahead than getting through the next hour and no, I didn’t tell everyone I had it either because I was afraid of stigma. I lost contact with many friends for a while whilst I focused on survival of me and my baby.

Even without PND, people are often in a haze and adjusting to their new family dynamic and thinks take time to settle down.

I think more compassion and patience is required on your behalf I’m sorry to say.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2021 11:18

Nobody owes you their time

strawberrydonuts · 15/12/2021 11:21

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends

It sounds like you feel like your friends have been looking for an "excuse" to ignore you, and now that they have a baby they have the perfect reason.

So I'm wondering why you feel so insecure? Is it this particular friendship or is this the way you view a lot of relationships in your life? That people are looking for reasons to ditch you?

It seems like this is more about you and the way you interpret things than anything your friends are actually doing. They are new parents, obviously their priority isn't going to be friendships at the moment. I'm interested why you are taking such offence at your friends very normal behaviour.

ElftonWednesday · 15/12/2021 11:23

I don't always reply to texts for a few days, and my kids are 16 and 12 years old.

PinkWednesdays · 15/12/2021 11:24

Well done you, you supermum!!

Maybe take a lesson in compassion and understand that some people have it bloody hard.

MindyStClaire · 15/12/2021 11:27

@yellowleaves123

For those that have taken offence at my post, can I just highlight - I have had a baby during this pandemic. I was stopped from seeing my friends. My family. I couldn't go to baby groups. So please don't be like "well done you for handling it" because it was HARD. And now that we are on the other side of that - sort of - I don't know if receiving a "sorry I didn't reply, how are you?" (which isn't replied to either) every few weeks is kind of standard or if I'm missing something. Especially if they do see other people regularly.

Please don't just reply with "maybe they're not that in to you" because as somebody that has been isolated themselves for a long time, that's really unkind. I've asked for views so that I can understand both sides. There's no need to point a finger and say "they don't like you".

But if you've had a baby, and had a baby during the pandemic (I have too), and you understand that it's HARD can you not understand that different people deal with things in different ways?

I just don't have the time for my friends that I used to. I hate that, I love my friends but there are only so many hours in a day and only so much space in my head. As it happens, I'm good at replying to messages but I fully understand why other friends aren't.

It's not personal, everything's just a bit difficult and shit.

As a friend said to me about work recently - you can only keep so many plates spinning, and sometimes you just have to make sure that it's the least important plates that break. At times, that will unfortunately include messages from friends.

julieca · 15/12/2021 11:28

I was back at work within 3 months of having mine. I don't really understand how some women don't seem able to do anything except look after a baby for a year or more. But then we did controlled crying back then so we did sleep.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 15/12/2021 11:29

I probably wouldn't respond much to somebody if I knew they would try to tie me down to meeting them tbh. I spend most of time knackered and covered in baby sick, my baby it turns out has CMPA and I couldn't really take her anywhere with the incessant crying for a long time, it's offputting going out with covid happening and I'm on maternity leave and skint and meeting friends for dinner is the last thing I need to be spending money on. They'll over to come to my house then and it's a tip and I never know when I'm going to have the time or opportunity to tidy it.

But I'm not going over all that because it sounds like a lot of excuses for 'I don't want to see you' so when the chat about meet ups start do go quiet I'm afraid.

PinkWednesdays · 15/12/2021 11:30

@julieca

I was back at work within 3 months of having mine. I don't really understand how some women don't seem able to do anything except look after a baby for a year or more. But then we did controlled crying back then so we did sleep.
Because everyone is different… I have a demanding job in the City, so I’m taking a full year to spend as much time with DS before work takes over again. There’s no right or wrong way of doing it. What’s your point?
MatildaIThink · 15/12/2021 11:32

Some people handle sleep deprivation and disruption far better than others. Some people have mental health issues post birth, some have had them all along. In an ideal world of course people would not go AWOL from friends, but for some it is inevitable.