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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having a baby isn't an automatic reason to ignore everyone

219 replies

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 10:20

Didn't quite know how to title this with it making sense. I will say first up, I have two children, one is under 2 so we have done the baby phase not so long ago.

I will also say in the below situation, this clearly does not apply to people with PND.

I'm not sure why having a baby is kind of an excuse to ignore your friends - never responding to texts or not answering calls (although I don't really call people because I don't think I know a single person that likes phone calls).
I don't mean somebody calls, you don't pick up the phone, and then you're "ignoring them". Or you don't text back within 24 hours and you're "ignoring them".
I mean not reply to texts for weeks on end, then 3 weeks later "hi sorry I didn't reply, must see you soon. Life is so crazy with baby yellowleaves. How are you?" and then subsequently, do not reply for another number of weeks.

Totally get it with newborns. You aren't sleeping and you're recovering from birth. Life has been turned on its head again. But when the babies are bigger, kind of 4 months plus (if you aren't sleeping or other stuff is going on then I get it)....is having a baby really an excuse to be, frankly, kind of rude?

This seems to be a pattern with everyone around me that has a baby. When mine were babies, I don't recall not getting back to friends. Even when they were very small I still tried not to neglect my other relationships. Even if it was just "hi, sorry, life is a bit busy right now, I'm not really sleeping - teething is hitting us hard. Can we arrange to catch up in a couple of weeks once we are settled down? I'll let you know when would be a better time"

I try not to be the friend that puts on mothers. If I do see friends with newborns for example, I usually come with cake, I make the tea, if I know they'd want it then I might even bring a few precooked meals for them (some people would be really put out by this but obviously I know the friends that will appreciate it). I have before said to mum, when she has been saying she hasn't showered in a week "would you like me to look after baby for 30 mins for you so that you can freshen up".

So what is it with just not getting back to people and using that as an excuse for months on end? I'm beginning to feel really put out by some friends. Especially if I can see that they're making efforts to see mums from baby groups for example (not always the case but sometimes).

OP posts:

Chasingaftermidnight · 15/12/2021 12:32

I remember that I only had the time or energy to send short crappy messages. So I’d see a message from a friend and resolve to reply when I had enough headspace to send a ‘proper’ reply. But that time would never come. So the message would sit there, and I’d get more and more anxious about the need to reply.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 15/12/2021 12:33

For some people a baby is just an excuse to be a shite friend.
After years of accepting this from friends with children when I had my own baby I realised I was still the one doing all the running/ making the effort. I now just don’t bother - I’ve not fallen out with them but I make the same effort they make (minimal)

Hemingwayscatz · 15/12/2021 12:34

I had a childless friend like this. We were best friends from childhood but I haven’t bothered with him for about 3 years now. He had no real excuse for it, he was just a bit selfish and rude to be perfectly honest. Very disheartening to send your ‘best friend’ a heartfelt message only for it to be read and ignored for weeks. I stopped talking to him when he didn’t even tell me his Mum died, I heard months later from my own Mum who had heard about it from someone else. I’d reached out to him a few times to ask how she was doing (she was very sick for a long time) and he read and ignored. I realised I wasn’t as important to him as he was to me at that point really and haven’t been arsed since.

Some people are just like this and there’s no real excuse for it, they’re just poor at communicating I guess.

Tilltheend99 · 15/12/2021 12:34

I think you have answered your own question op. There are many different scenarios where a baby of any age might cause a friend to not be able to respond promptly to a message due to sheer exhaustion.

It also depends on the message. If it is a general how’s life, gotta do something sometime but no plan or suggestion then it’s not the worst thing in the world to reply a few days/week later.

If it’s a friend messaging that they have something going on it their life and need support than yes it would be unreasonable to respond later.

I agree that having a baby seems like a great get out of jail free card for some but equally now I have a baby I wonder how so friends ever managed to do so much.

Plus you have to factor in all the added stress of Covid and the reduction in services. I had no access to classes during pregnancy so couldn’t meet anyone and barely any groups or activities have restarted and those that have will probably be closed again now cases are rising. I appreciate having a baby is hard for everyone but you don’t know how much support your friends have. Unless you are really very close in which case I doubt that is the person you are talking about in your op

godmum56 · 15/12/2021 12:37

YABU generally I think. Sometimes life just happens....work crises, unwell parents, my own fun this year which was a flooded bedroom after having a new boiler installed. My best mate and I message each other sporadically at times because of all the other shit in our lives. At some point you just cannot DO ANY MORE. If things have been quiet for a while, one or the other of us will message "you ok?" but nothing demanding.....and neither of us have babies.

KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 12:39

Is this not the case with most adults, baby or not? Life gets in the way, we're all busy with work, families, babies, kids, responsibilities and sometimes keeping on top of a social life just isn't a priority.
I think most people are understanding about that. Things can be hard, especially at the moment.

You also have no idea what's going on in their heads, or in relation to their mental health. Maybe what you think is easy (eg. sending a text to a friend) feels like a huge load to them that they can't deal with right now. Everyone's capacity is different and can change circumstantially. YAB a bit U.

LemonPeonies · 15/12/2021 12:40

I actually found the opposite. After having DS now 2, I was able to message friends q lot as I was off on mat leave but a lot of friends didn't bother! A few I Don't contact at all anymore because they act as if he doesn't exist

KateInHappyland · 15/12/2021 12:41

@godmum56

100% this, my best friend and I are the same. Sometimes we don't speak for weeks but will happily pick up the conversation when we're ready. Doesn't mean anything's happened to our friendship.

Cantgetausername87 · 15/12/2021 12:43

You may think you got back to your friends in a timely manner and responded to everyone but id put money on that you didnt!

Darkstar4855 · 15/12/2021 12:49

You don’t know who has PND though. Sometimes even people who have it don’t know they have it.

Cuddlemuffin · 15/12/2021 12:49

How many of your friends have been doing this to you? Are you sure they are ALL being like this and you're not just lumping them all together? It sounds like you're feeling a bit rejected which is really tough. It's likely not you that's the issue. Maybe you're feeling like to uwabt to reach out more because of all the things you missed out on having your baby in the pandemic? Don't be too hard on yourself or your friends OP x

kirinm · 15/12/2021 12:52

My DD didn't sleep through until she was 2 and when she was 4 months old we were surviving on blocks of 45 mins / 1.5 hours of sleep. I was totally broken and remember walking her to sleep in the pram around the park crying whenever anyone spoke to me. I wasn't depressed, I was just exhausted.

I've had it the other way, where friends have effectively ghosted me because I have a small child. It isn't ideal that she doesn't respond very promptly but I would give some leeway too.

Smellsliketeenwhiskey · 15/12/2021 12:57

I agree OP. Having a baby is a life choice - you can’t just expect all your friends to wait around 6-12 months whilst you disappear off the radar and then have them pick you back up which is what seems to happen. Life will move on for everyone.

JumparooSavedMyLife · 15/12/2021 12:57

Maybe it's you? You seem full on wanting to go round with food etc, I wouldn't want that, I've had a baby, not had my arms amputated. Part of it for me at least is that I kind of can't be bothered with some people, usually people that want to meet and be around and intense. I like my low maintenance friendships now I have kids. Sometimes I don't reply to people because I can't be bothered at the time but then I forget? I don't do it with best friends but acquaintances like ones I'm only friends with because we have a baby the same age (that i met at baby groups etc). These friendships usually cool to fb likes once you go back to work anyway.

bedheadedzombie · 15/12/2021 12:59

@julieca

I was back at work within 3 months of having mine. I don't really understand how some women don't seem able to do anything except look after a baby for a year or more. But then we did controlled crying back then so we did sleep.

Great that it worked for you. My cousin tried every sleep training method under the sun (and used a sleep consultant) and her dd still woke up every hour till she was 18 months!

I also did/do controlled crying and DD still wakes a couple of times at night at 12 months old.

Non-sleeping babies just don't sleep. It has nothing to do with parenting decisions.

bedheadedzombie · 15/12/2021 13:02

@Generalpost

I have never really understood the new born/young baby thing. About being busy just had a baby etc. Unless they are colicky /sick . All new borns do is sleep. I used to want people round or chats on the phone etc. I would get bored

Not all newborns. I couldn't sleep for more than 4.5 hours a day divided in three naps till DD was 7 months. Then it increased to six hours (but still divided over the day). You're just lucky.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 15/12/2021 13:04

I’m the same as the poster above. Had lots of time to text back when I was on mat leave with a baby. My problem was not hearing from any of my friends at all!

Cici22 · 15/12/2021 13:04

Maybe they don't want to be your friend anymore?

Laiste · 15/12/2021 13:05

@Smellsliketeenwhiskey

Why though? Why can't you accept someone is off the radar for a certain time for their own reasons and then pick back up again?

Why is it ''rude'' not to reply to someone for a certain amount of time?

The word 'excuse', in the OP, is an interesting one. Friendship should be a naturally flowing mutually comfortable situation. It's not a work contract, it's not about needing an excuse to cool off for a while.

PearlclutchersInc · 15/12/2021 13:13

I think people's priorities change. Step back and maybe find some other friends.

If your mummy friends are true friends they'll come back.

gmailconfusion2 · 15/12/2021 13:17

I was OK keeping in contact with a new born and lock down, since I've come back to work she doesn't sleep for longer than two hours, I'm working full time, people are lucky if I reply with in weeks. I don't have the brain capacity to remember to reply, I'm barely getting through work. She's 18months and my actual friends still message, prod me three weeks later, then prod again. I get there but in survival mode, friends don't feature, baby eating, me sleeping are pretty much all that matters

LostForIdeas · 15/12/2021 13:18

Honestly you'll have loads of people telling you that it's normal, OK etc... because they really dont want to admit that they do that and it's rude. And don't know that having a bay is hard and you don;t live attached to your phone? (Well i suspect you do seeing that you have an 2yo but hey ho...)

As far as I am concerned now, this is the way friendships die.
When you are the only one to initiate contact, you get no answers for weeks etc... that tells you what priority the other person is giving to you. I dont try and maintain relationships like this any more. Not worth it.

EishetChayil · 15/12/2021 13:19

Presumably your babies were not born during COVID. The pandemic has changed social relations.

User20393442 · 15/12/2021 13:22

Going to be brutally honest, maybe your friendship just isn't that important to them. YANBU to say that it's not impossible to reply to messages or just send a quick picture to stay in touch. Most people can manage that regardless how sleep deprived or short of time they are. However they will only feel motivated to do so IF the other person is someone they truly miss and a message from them makes you smile, rather than just adding to hassle of the day. A "meh" friend who keeps sending messages because they just want to talk about their own problems are some of the first people you let go after having a baby. Obviously not saying this is what you do, but there is definitely a heirarchy to how important friendships are.

Also echoing the thought that far more women have PND than "officially" recorded in statistics. Apparently it's supposed to be 25% but those are the only ones who actually went to the GP and have the diagnosis on paper. A straw poll from friends who had babies show that well over half (60-80%) felt very depressed or anxious the first year but never bothered going to the doctors. In most cases it improved once they got more sleep or the kids went to nursery so they have more time for themselves.

Another huge proportion of women have serious relationship problems during the first year with baby. This is something absolutely nobody tends to make public but also behind why so many couples abruptly split up before the child is 2. Someone struggling with a baby and a failing marriage or cheating partner is unlikely to prioritise small talk messages with friends.

LostForIdeas · 15/12/2021 13:22

@PearlclutchersInc

I think people's priorities change. Step back and maybe find some other friends.

If your mummy friends are true friends they'll come back.

You see what I suspect actually happen is thatb the friendship has died.

Trust has somehow been broken and the OP will always wonder if the friend is back for good or not.

Long lasting friendship survive periods of very little contact. It doesnt survive ignoring ime. Especially if that happens again and again.

And this also means that for people like @gmailconfusion2, they will probably loose quite a few friends. It's crap but people get tired of prodding. I know I do.

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