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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
Bushkin · 14/12/2021 14:14

All or nothing, definitely

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 14:15

He doesn't get to opt out of being the 1 year oldest parent. He's had just as long as you presumably to work out how to look after the little one.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 14:16

*1 year olds

RuggerHug · 14/12/2021 14:16

YANBU. They're his children not pick and mix.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 14/12/2021 14:17

Does he realise if anything should happen to you he will have to learn damp quick how to look after the 1 year old?

HotPenguin · 14/12/2021 14:17

When you say he doesn't know what to do, do you mean he doesn't know how to look after her? That's pretty crap. Does he never have contact time with her?

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 14:19

Would the other two like to go without their sibling? Don't make them miss out just because he's a prick.

MaggieFS · 14/12/2021 14:19

Er no. Either he is parent to all of them and he knows/learns how to look after all of them or he's not. He can't just waltz in and pick n mix. If you're concerned for well being of the youngest then none of them go.

What a terrible precedent it would be setting.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 14:20

I would feel the same as you to be honest. He has 3 children and needs to be able to look after all 3 by himself, God forbid something terrible befell you and he had to be in sole charge of them all for longer than 1 day.

I would absolutely be saying he takes all of them or none of them.

GotToGoBye · 14/12/2021 14:20

I think looking after your own 1 year old is not unlearnable. He should want to do this.

Having said that, he doesn’t and the 1 year old probably happier with you.

Shedmistress · 14/12/2021 14:21

Why should his mum be the one looking after his children?

gamerchick · 14/12/2021 14:21

No he needs to learn how to look after the youngest, lazy git. You can't opt out.

lunar1 · 14/12/2021 14:22

It's either all or none!

AnotherMansCause · 14/12/2021 14:23

He doesn’t know what to do = CBA to figure it out.

If his DM isn’t in the best of health, obviously that’s really sad but why would that be more difficult with a baby than 2 older children?

I bet he has form for taking the easy way out.

MinnieMountain · 14/12/2021 14:24

Didn’t he look after the older 2 when they were 1yo?

Definitely all or nothing.

Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 14:24

He 'doesn't know what to do' with his own one year old child, and therefore can't be expected to cope?

Not a parent then. No, he takes none of them. Until he's a parent. A proper one. Who, by definition, can look after his own children.

Nip this right in the bud or it will just become the way it is - that you get to just cope, with everything and anything, because - well, the children exist and need caring for in every eventuality - and he gets to look wide-eyed at anything remotely annoying, challenging or difficult and say 'But I don't know how to.'

He NEEDS to be a fully capable parent because he would be the one stepping in if, heaven forbid, you were rushed to hospital tomorrow.

AnotherMansCause · 14/12/2021 14:27

Did he literally do none of the baby stuff with the other two? He’s expecting his mother to do it but now she can’t? Lazy bastard. No wonder he’s your ex.

WeatherwaxLives · 14/12/2021 14:27

What does he mean he doesn't know what to do?!

Presumably the other two were babies at some point in the fairly recent past, even if he's managed to not actually do any care of the youngest Hmm

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/12/2021 14:27

How well does the one yo know daddy? If he's not been seeing the DC regularly, it could well be extremely distressing for the child, even with older siblings around. Will he feed the child appropriately, change nappies and clean the child properly, make sure naps are taken as needed?

Your older DC can speak up, at least to the extent of needing food or to use the loo. The one yo cannot.

twoshedsjackson · 14/12/2021 14:27

It's the third time round for child-rearing; can he cast his mind back to what he did with the first two when they were at that stage? Let me hazard a guess - (insert expletive) all.
In fairness to the children, they're probably safer with you.

Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 14:28

And I think you should spell this out pronto.

'No. That just isn't the way it's going to be. You are either a full parent or not a parent at all. You need to be fully able to cope with all three, in every setting. It isn't pick and mix. It isn't play-pretend at parenting, it's real parenting, where you can't stick one in a cupboard like a doll because two is easier. If you don't think it's a good idea to take YOUR children to your mum's for Boxing Day that's fine. But you will never ever get to pick and choose for an easy life. If this is how you feel about caring for all three, I suggest you need some practice quick sharp. When can I drop all three to you for the day and evening?'

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 14:28

@girlmom21

Would the other two like to go without their sibling? Don't make them miss out just because he's a prick.
It's not about the other 2 missing our though and even if they wanted to go if I were the OP I wouldn't be allowing it as it sets a precident.

1 year olds are hard work so if he's never going to have the 1 year old until they are easier to look after then we're taking years of this child having no contact with their father.

It's much better to set the boundaries now than say its OK this time because he strikes me as the sort of bloke who will always only opt to have the easier 2.

Icecreaminwinter · 14/12/2021 14:29

Would he be taking them on a long journey to get to his mother’s?

Strangevipers · 14/12/2021 14:32

YANBU

BUT

Wouldn't it make sense to not let the youngest one do such a long journey ? Especially with only one adult on the car and maybe the 1 year old would annoy the elder children.

If the elder children don't want to go then fair enough but if they did maybe you could make an exception this one time ?

Ponoka7 · 14/12/2021 14:33

My granddaughter has been taken out by me and other family members without the littler one. At one some babies aren't ok to be away from Mum for the whole day. Of course it makes a big difference if s/he won't settle for a nap, isn't good in a car seat that long etc. Aren't the older ones going to ever be allowed quality or age appropriate days out because of a younger sibling?

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