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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/12/2021 16:17

If he's offered all or nothing won't he take the nothing & make Op out to be the bad guy?

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 16:17

@RedToothBrush

He's got 3 kids.

He managed to parent the eldest two as babies.

He just can't be arsed with the youngest.

Sorry doesn't work like that. He takes them all or they all stay with you. Why should he get to be 'fun dad' with no responsibility whilst you have to do that?

No. Just no.

He didn't parent the older 2. She just didn't realise that until much later.
NorthSouthcatlady · 14/12/2021 16:18

Hard no. They come as a package deal. Plus he sounds like an idle sod so l would facilitate this as little as possible

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 14/12/2021 16:20

What a pathetic twat.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 14/12/2021 16:24

So you do pretty much all the heavy lifting full time, day in and day out, because he bunked off 6 hours away, and doesn't want to deal with all 3 of them for a couple of days so they can see his family?

Fuck that.

You deserve a break, too. All or nothing.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 14/12/2021 16:28

@Lovemusic33

If your other dc are high school age then I’m sure they are able to help with the one year old (probably more capable than he is as he sounds useless)? The other dc can entertain the younger sibling in the car?

He’s just trying to make life easier for himself.

Why should the siblings have to entertain their sibling? The parents chose to have another baby and then promptly split up. Not the siblings' fault poor sods.
Cameleongirl · 14/12/2021 16:33

As his parents' house is only 30 minutes from yours, it won't be a long journey at all and if things don't go well, he can always bring the baby back to you. That's not fair on you, of course, but it might be best for the baby if they're not settling, for example.

He needs to learn how to parent all his children, it's not his Mum's responsibility.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 16:33

Presumably he's not done any parenting since he moved away?

lanthanum · 14/12/2021 16:35

Better for the child to stay at home with you, this year, anyway.

To be honest, if he's living that far away, he's going to have to be quite determined to forge any sort of bond with the little one. Does he FaceTime or anything like that with them? What's the plan for visits in general?

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2021 16:35

@Cutestbaby

So I think we have a mixture of opinions of whether to let the two bigger ones go.

It's a hard one for me, because I agree about the age difference and I do worry about the level of care and how happy the baby actually will be. But then I also see it as rejection of the child and that is the part where angry me doesn't want to allow it to happen.
I suppose similar situations will continue happening in the future and I will just need to learn a way to deal with it in the best possible way for the kids sake.

Thank you for your honest opinions!

In this instance I'd let the other two go. I wouldn't be entirely convinced that either the two older ones would be doing all the care or that the baby wouldn't be safe left with your Ex and his mum.
DysmalRadius · 14/12/2021 16:36

I can see both sides - on the one hand, it sounds like he would probably leave the older two to look after the little one and do fuck all himself.

On the other hand, it sounds like he's basically setting himself up for 'parenting' the older ones because they're easier and allowing the little one to grow up without a father. Have you sorted contact arrangments long term? Are you anticipating him just disappearing without a backward glance?

Cattitudes · 14/12/2021 16:43

I think I would expect him to take them all, surely MIL wants to see them all, not just some. I would though be making sure that the teens let you know if there is a problem and you pick the baby up.

Cameleongirl · 14/12/2021 16:48

Honestly, looking after your one-year-old for a day isn't rocket science, he'll manage, and he needs to learn how to do it. Your teenagers can give him pointers and I'm sure DC3 will have some presents to keep them entertained.

moredogsthansense · 14/12/2021 16:55

You don’t mention what the older children’s relationship with their grandparents is like or how you get on with them. If that’s all or mostly positive then I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of them meeting at Christmas, especially if they’ve not seen much of each other since the split. Assuming she’s not toxic I feel sorry for your MIL if she doesn’t get to see the grandchildren because of her son’s stroppiness, especially if she’s not in great health. With such a big age gap I think it’s fair enough if she is worried about keeping a toddler safe if her son is not pulling his weight, yet wants to see the older ones. What do the older children want to do?

Hankunamatata · 14/12/2021 16:55

Wouldn't his mum want to see the baby? Do you have any contact with his parents? I think I would compromise and say he takes 1 year old for half the day then drop him back when getting tired. Not ideal but then older ones get to see their dad and grandparents.

FortVictoria · 14/12/2021 16:58

@ChiefStockingStuffer

So you do pretty much all the heavy lifting full time, day in and day out, because he bunked off 6 hours away, and doesn't want to deal with all 3 of them for a couple of days so they can see his family?

Fuck that.

You deserve a break, too. All or nothing.

This!!
Gwenhwyfar · 14/12/2021 16:58

@CheesyFootballsAreEvil

He doesn't get to opt out of being the 1 year oldest parent. He's had just as long as you presumably to work out how to look after the little one.
She didn't say they have joint custody so if she has main custody, he won't have had as much time as her to learn to look after him, will he?
madisonbridges · 14/12/2021 17:07

As a teenager I'd have been happy going somewhere without my 1yo sibling. They always take all the attention so some time all about me would have made me very happy.

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/12/2021 17:09

@Gwenhwyfar well, he needs to learn how to look after him

Mojoj · 14/12/2021 17:09

What? Is there something wrong with him? That he can't look after his own child? Lazy bastard, more like.

diddl · 14/12/2021 17:10

So he wants to take the kids to see his parentS?

His Mum is ill-what about his Dad?

If your other 2 aren't bothered-maybe a short visit would be better than nothing?

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2021 17:15

He didn't parent the older 2. She just didn't realise that until much later.

Thats his fucking problem. He still doesn't get a cop out.

OP will just enable him to do that forever and play Disney Dad. Either he wants to play happy families or he doesn't.

If he wants to make out the OP is the bad guy. Fine, take it to court. Judge will soon say its an all or nothing thing too.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2021 17:16

Plus its a day. Not a week. And OP is just around the corner.

He can manage cos he'll have to.

Rainartist · 14/12/2021 17:21

Obviously in an ideal world it should be all or none and him looking after them, not his motherHmm

BUT I'd be worried the baby would be distressed being away from you and it isn't fair on the other children to fill in the gap left by you not being there. Mind you as she won't regularly see him I wonder when she'd ever feel comfortable with him.

If I was you I'd probably give the older two the choice just so you don't become the "bad guy", I'm sure they'll work him out in the end. You'll just have to pick up the pieces for them when they do SadFlowers

LittleOwl153 · 14/12/2021 17:25

Is he just having the kids for the day boxing day? If it's just the day or even a few hours I'd say he needs to take the baby too. Otherwise he is just walking away from the responsibility of the baby... exactly as he did moving 6hrs away. I think he should be up to having the baby for 6hrs or so (less than a day at nursery) 30mins away from you...

If you were talking overnight I would see more of an issue. But not taking them for the day is just lazy and setting a precedent that he doesn't give a shit about the baby. As for the older 2 - presumably at secondary age if they wanted to visit grandparents they could independently...