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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/12/2021 14:57

I don't understand - does his mother live near you or is he expecting the children to have a very long car journey?

Lasair · 14/12/2021 14:59

Tricky to take the one year old. He means hard. When do you get your rest?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 14:59

It's not about the other 2 missing our though and even if they wanted to go if I were the OP I wouldn't be allowing it as it sets a precident.

1 year olds are hard work so if he's never going to have the 1 year old until they are easier to look after then we're taking years of this child having no contact with their father.

^this!

And it’s important that for the majority of the time they have contact all together, so they feel like a family with him as well as with you.

In geneal terms it’s great for you both to have some one to one time with each child, but it has to be reciprocal.

I agree his mum’s health shouldn’t be the issue here as she’s not responsible for looking after the kids!

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2021 14:59

He needs to have all 3

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 14:59

And yes it is important that you get a rest!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 15:03

they are secondary school age

I missed this! So easy as pie then? No wonder he only wants to take them. I was envisaging 4 and 5 yos or something (doesn’t change my answer but I think he’s even more of a wanker)

So yes sure he can do some age appropriate things with just them, but so should you be able to - go to the theatre or a football match or whatever they enjoy.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 14/12/2021 15:04

I think it's unreasonable to expect a 1 year old to be treated the same as secondary school age children. You say they don't particularly want to go to the grrandparents but if they did, would they want their sibling to go with them? It's a big age gap. I think pick and mix is fine in this context.

However, if he's just trying to absolve himself from having to look after the one year old, that's a different point.

But a six hour drive with a toddler is a lot. Mind you it's a lot full stop. No wonder the older ones aren't keen.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 15:06

Surely by dc 3 he has some idea?
Deep breath.
Open door.
Shove 3 dc out.
Shut door.
Switch phone off.
Enjoy peace.

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 15:07

@Bushkin

All or nothing, definitely
Yup. All or nothing.
strawberrymilk7 · 14/12/2021 15:09

OP can correct me on this, I don't think the 1yr old will have a 6 hour drive each way to see the grandparents. Her ex has moved 6 hours way way for work. The grandparents probably live a lot closer to where he was living until recently.

ancientgran · 14/12/2021 15:11

I think one adult doing a 6 hr drive with a 1 year old is difficult. I did it once, it should have been a 4 hr drive but due to an accident on motorway it ended up being 6 hrs and it was hell for me and even worse for the 1 year old. I wouldn't be keen to send a 1 year off on that journey.

How old are the others? 6 hrs is a long journey, how long would they be staying?

ancientgran · 14/12/2021 15:13

I've just realised he lives 6 hrs away, maybe his parents are local.

Blossom64265 · 14/12/2021 15:18

There are two separate issues that need to be balanced here.

The first, is should he be prepared to care for all of his children at once? The answer is obviously yes.

The second is should you be sending your 1 year old on a multi-day visit with someone who the child is not used to spending time with? The answer here is much less clear. Yes, this man is the child’s father, but at this age, frequent visitation is absolutely essential. Your child may find this visit very stressful.

Camii · 14/12/2021 15:20

He's admitting to you that he doesn't have a clue. I wouldn't want my child to have a miserable day with an incompetent parent.
I would send the others but only if you are sure they will be ok

Itsalmostanaccessory · 14/12/2021 15:21

@GroggyLegs
@Unsure33

It isnt a 12 hour round trip. His new house is 6 hours away. Not his mum's house.

I'm assuming the OP is in the family home which was probably relatively close to his mum. He's probably up for xmas and wants to take the older kids there. Not a 6 hour drive away.

Emerald5hamrock · 14/12/2021 15:22

He better crack on and learn. Yanbu.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 14/12/2021 15:22

My ex (when he actually bothered seeing the kids) used to do the same.

It was a mix of being utterly inadequate as a parent and also wanting to keep control of me by making sure I had no child free time at all.

Yanbu op.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 15:23

Just to clarify, he transferred through work (6h drive) and is coming down to his parents house for Christmas, they live 30 min drive away from me.

And everyone is absolutely spot on, he just sees looking after his kids as hardship. And it took me 2 decades and unplanned baby to see that he never lifted a finger. Despite the fact that I also always worked full time.

As someone said on here if I do become a blocker and he completely checks out of his kids life, this might affect them in ways that are yet unclear.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 15:26

You don’t think he’s a good father

Why on earth would you want to push him to have your baby?!

Just say sure to the older two, and thank your lucky stars that your 1 year old is safe and settled with you

Sally872 · 14/12/2021 15:26

It's shit but I think the older two will miss out more by not seeing dad and gran than the younger one though. So for their sake I would allow it.

I would also hope his family tell him it is ridiculouse they don't see youngest because the father of 3 doesn't know how to look after a 1 one year old.

Summerfun54321 · 14/12/2021 15:34

The ship has sailed for him to announce he can’t look after 3 kids, only 2. The time for him to declare that was before your 3rd child was even conceived!

ClawedButler · 14/12/2021 15:36

Wow, a late entry for Father of The Year there. "I only want to parent for 66% of my children, coz it's a hassle innit".

The only saving grace in all this is that the littlest one will remember nothing about it.

However, I can't imagine how that child would feel when they're a bit older if they ever found out that their so-called dad couldn't be arsed to work out how to care for them for a few hours.

What a colossal wankbadger.

Baileys123 · 14/12/2021 15:36

I'm sorry but I would be happy with this. I would let him take little one for a day but not overnight somewhere they've never stayed? I'd def rather baby stayed with me.

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 15:37

Are posters failing to grasp that

  1. The op think he’s an incapable shit father
  2. He recognises the above is true and so says he can’t hack it

Why? Why why why? Would you want to push a very young baby on to someone like that??? I’d be internally overjoyed!!

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 15:39

@Happy1982ish

Are posters failing to grasp that
  1. The op think he’s an incapable shit father
  2. He recognises the above is true and so says he can’t hack it

Why? Why why why? Would you want to push a very young baby on to someone like that??? I’d be internally overjoyed!!

Yeah I agree. I'd be glad he admitted it and didn't want to take the baby rather than spending the two days of 'time off' stressing and worrying about the baby's wellbeing
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