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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 15/12/2021 22:07

@cherish123

Why is it difficult to look after a 1 Yr old? It's his child.
My thoughts exactly, @cherish123. He's a middle-aged father of three (I'm assuming he's probably 40+ as he has two teenagers), he's quite capable of doing it, he just doesn't want to!
Jaxxy · 15/12/2021 22:21

YANBU….as someone who saw my dad on Boxing Day, that little girl needs to see him in the same environment as other two or she will have no relationship with him. For both their sakes. All or nothing……

Twinklemacfinkle · 15/12/2021 22:50

Have you considered a compromise that maybe he takes all 3 DC and baby comes home early? That way all 3 children spend time with him and DGP, he starts learning to look after his child and the older DC get some quality time?
Just an idea, I would be in the take all 3 or take non camp. The fact is your 1 year old will feel more comfortable with their siblings.

Mamanyt · 15/12/2021 23:31

I'm a little torn on this, but simply because you state that his mother is in poor health. So, it comes down to, "How poor?" Would having a lively, active 1-year-old be too much for her to tolerate for long periods of time? I mean, even if DH is caring for the child, said child will not be sitting quietly with a coloring book.

IF her health is very poor, suck it up, and send the older ones. It may be the last holiday that they see her. As you say, DS won't know the difference. If she's just a bit "off," tell DH that he is father to them all, and this is a no-go.

IF MIL should pass after the holiday, and you had kicked up a fuss about him going with the older two, that's going to leave an ugly scar on your marriage. It comes down to how ill she is.

MammaMacgill87 · 16/12/2021 01:38

I'm in the all or nothing camp, he might find it tricky, but you manage all day everyday there's zero reason he can't figure it out. I'd be saying sorry dear ex but either you take all OUR children or none because splitting them up is cruel and how many years will they have to wait untill you think your capable of handling a toddler/junior/tween/teenager/adult. No set a precident right now and stick to it x

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 16/12/2021 01:46

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Happy1982ish

I have to disagree. I see it as being taken for a mug. My dc have no contact with their father now as he let them down too many times and they saw him for what he is.

I knew ultimately that he would cause them more pain in the long run if I enabled his shitty parenting. It was all or nothing and he wouldn't step up so its nothing . They are better off without him and with a decent stepfather in his place.

I see the OP putting her foot down as protecting her dc from pain down the line.[/quote]
Yes. Agree.

Very wise, WillYou

PrincessNutella · 16/12/2021 02:55

This is a hard one. On the one hand, he should take the baby out of fairness. On the other hand, the little one probably won't get much enjoyment out of the day and the older ones would have a better experience without their father being frazzled. I think I would allow it.

liveforsummer · 16/12/2021 03:21

Well I agree with you, he sounds utterly useless however I'm not sure I'd enforce him taking the 1 year old. Will they be safe and will they actually be happy? Sounds like there's not much of a bond there.

Dibbydoos · 16/12/2021 07:01

He doesn't know how to look after a baby and has 3 kids. I'm sorry you split up but wtf type of dad is he?!

My first reaction was all or none, but I'm thinking his mums not in good health so who knows if this could be the last time she sees her grandkids (or at least the older two). If you're not bothered, it will at least give you some quality time with the baby. But if you do agree please tell him that it's pathetic he can't look after a baby having had 3 kids...

Double3xposure · 16/12/2021 10:11

Of course he knows how to look after a baby ! It’s for , what, 8 hours ?

He just means he CBA. He wants to sit back with a drink and watch TV while his elderly mother cooks a meal for them all and the older kids sit and play on their phones .

That’s his idea of parenting. Whereas a toddler is work and has to be watched and played with, fed and changed , put down for a nap.

He wants an easy life and the occasional bit of Disney Dad when it suits him.

Margerine78 · 17/12/2021 11:24

As one of the kidless people on Mumsnet I can see the logic of a day out with a baby being a hassle and he's probably thinking it's easier just taking your older children. HOWEVER, as his Dad he should want to spend time with the baby AND let his parents see all their grandchildren....he sounds like a man-child OP, sorry you have to deal with it.

I wouldn't allow the other kids to miss out though.

Emerald5hamrock · 18/12/2021 00:18

As one of the kidless people on Mumsnet I can see the logic of a day out with a baby being a hassle and he's probably thinking it's easier just taking your older children. He is not kidless and doesn't have the luxury of a hassle free day out without the youngest.
Of course it would be easier but he can't dump his baby because he wants an easy day.
HOWEVER, as his Dad he should want to spend time with the baby AND let his parents see all their grandchildren.
His wants don't come into the situation.
He moved as far away as possible making it difficult to ever see his baby over night without a long drive. Prick.

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