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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:11

What was he like for the many years he parented his older children before you split?

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:11

And how is he being with maintenance?

PRsecrets · 15/12/2021 11:16

@Cutestbaby

And this is my worry too, if it gets too hard he might not bother at all. He already made sure that he is not pressured to have them at weekends by moving far, albeit through work,but he didn't need to take it if he didn't want to. I feel a lot of guilt for orchestrating the split and how it will affect the kids now that their dad only seeing them for a couple of days here and there. And one of them just for an hour or so. At least when we lived in the same house it at least seemed that he cared.
Well then he doesn't bother. I would rather my children find out they have a shitty father who doesn't care about any of them, than that one child grows up feeling left out.

30 minutes is nothing, and looking after a 1 year old, when the other children are self sufficient, is not that difficult if it's just for a couple of days. Please don't make excuses already for him or put his choices on your plate. It's not your fault if he finds the basics of looking after ALL of his children too hard. That's on him.

C152 · 15/12/2021 11:18

@Bushkin

All or nothing, definitely
This. 100%
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/12/2021 11:22

I think this is daft, they aren't rejecting the one year old, they are old and just can't cope with a child that age, I'm sure when the baby is older they will be pleased to see him/her.
Its a shame your exH is such a usless pillock but it is what it is I would encourage a relationship with grandparents though. It gives you a bit of a break too even if you have the one year old.

CheshireChat · 15/12/2021 11:24

I can't believe that his first thought is "oh no, I can't palm them off to my mum".

I'd just tell him he needs the practice then.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:24

@Willyoujustbequiet

No chance. All or nothing.

You are making a rod for your own back if you agree to this. He's a deadbeat. He has to learn. You are not his nanny.

All or nothing?

This is simply not how happy split families work

I’ve had to grin and tolerate shit
My ex has had to do the same with me

Ultimately though - the children are very happy and settled because my ex and I do not have an “all or nothing” approach to the situation

Re this scenario
I would be counting my lucky stars he’s admitted his pathetic inadequacy and I get to keep my baby with me

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:26

There is a LOT to be said to not cutting your nose off to spite your face

The op doesn’t trust her husband
So don’t push him having the baby just to prove a point

PRsecrets · 15/12/2021 11:31

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I think this is daft, they aren't rejecting the one year old, they are old and just can't cope with a child that age, I'm sure when the baby is older they will be pleased to see him/her. Its a shame your exH is such a usless pillock but it is what it is I would encourage a relationship with grandparents though. It gives you a bit of a break too even if you have the one year old.
I have old family members - they still get to spend time with my babies and toddlers because when I visit them, I do a magical thing called parenting.

That's all OP's ex has to do - look after his child and that way everyone benefits. It's quite simple.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:35

* That's all OP's ex has to do - look after his child and that way everyone benefits. It's quite simple.*

Except for the baby
Taken from his mother and with someone for the day he hardly know, who has openly admitted to thinking he’s not able to do a decent job of looking after him

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2021 11:41

Playing favourites with your dc is damaging to both the favoured and unfavoured ones.

When I see men wanting to see their dc separately then I wonder whether they are actually still trying to control their ex-partners by ensuring they never have childfree time to meet new partners etc.

I'd be saying all or nothing.

AuntMargo · 15/12/2021 11:45

Oh come on, your thinking of yourself not the 1yr old he/she doesn't know any difference. Stop being that mean and bitter woman.

Downton57 · 15/12/2021 11:57

@AuntMargo

Oh come on, your thinking of yourself not the 1yr old he/she doesn't know any difference. Stop being that mean and bitter woman.
That's ridiculous. The OP is worrying that her ex-H doesn't attempt to bond with the baby now, then it won't happen at all and the poor child will grow up feeling less loved than the other two children. She's thinking of the child, not of herself at all, while ex-H is thinking solely of his own lazy self.
Viviennemary · 15/12/2021 12:00

I think this is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.

flashy44 · 15/12/2021 12:12

Tell him they all will go or none of them will go.

worriedatthemoment · 15/12/2021 12:12

I would maybe Allow it as long as he spends another day with the one yeAr old at a similar time
If hes not capable rightly or wrongly of looking after them then taking them away wouldn't be fair on the one year old or your older kids who would prob end up doing the babysitting anyway.

Chely · 15/12/2021 12:15

Nah, he either copes with all 3 or he doesn't bother. CF

worriedatthemoment · 15/12/2021 12:16

@Stompythedinosaur I would agree of regularly but sometimes its nice to have one on one with your kids me and dh do that with ours

HoneyItAlreadyDid · 15/12/2021 12:20

I have three kids too and at first I did kind of empathise with the divide and conquer approach - DH and I are together but for some occasions one of us looks after the youngest at home as she will be too much work in some situations and allows the other one to look after the older DC at an event.

But then I read your older DCs are secondary age so they really require no looking after at granny’s house. He is just being plain lazy. I think all or nothing in this situation would be fine. It shouldn’t be up to his poorly mum, he should manage one 1yo. Especially as this is his third child!

Hemingwayscatz · 15/12/2021 12:24

YANBU, he should want to spend time over Christmas in particular with all of his children and shouldn’t even be contemplating leaving one out. Sorry you married such an arsehole.

Marvellousmadness · 15/12/2021 12:44

I can't believe you are even posting here
This is not worth a thread
This is a very clear:you will be taken ALL of your kids. End of story Grin

He is an ass.
He wants his kids. But not the difficult one.

Righto. Let him fuck right off

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 13:02

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I think this is daft, they aren't rejecting the one year old, they are old and just can't cope with a child that age, I'm sure when the baby is older they will be pleased to see him/her. Its a shame your exH is such a usless pillock but it is what it is I would encourage a relationship with grandparents though. It gives you a bit of a break too even if you have the one year old.
Fgs.

The grandparents are not going to be in their 90s.

The grandparents being 'old' is both rot and agist nonsense.

honeylulu · 15/12/2021 13:08

Urgh, your ex is a massive lazy manbaby!

Not sure if anyone else has picked up on this, but as well as the "two out of three" issue he seems to be expecting you to do the journey to drop them off. Is that right??? The least he can do is come and collect them and being them back. It sounds like he doesn't lift a finger for them any other way.

Yes what he's suggesting is really shit of him. I'm not sure what I would do. Probably consult the eldest two and see what they want to do.
I'd be tempted to tell him he's having the baby as well if the older ones go, but might be swayed by (1) ex's uselessness - would baby be miserable/neglected? (2) his much your widest two would willingly and happily look after baby to ameliorate (1) if necessary. They shouldn't have to but ...

It's really sad but I've seen it happen this way that the absent father doesn't really consider a baby/toddler as one of his "real" children as he has no bond with them from a time when they become more fun and less demanding. A school mum friend had two girls. Husband nagged and nagged to try once more for a son. They had another girl and a year later he left. He regularly saw the older two but always had an excuse not to take the little one. She's such a sweetie I feel so sad her dad is so rubbish. The mum moved abroad a few years later with all three girls and he didn't object and hasn't seen them since.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 15/12/2021 16:41

There is certainly no neglect worries and if he ever had to cope he did. But even when the other two were small if he had to look after them on his own for a long period of time, if he could, he would always either go to his parents house or get a sitter.

Also I clearly understand what kind of person he is, but it's not something that you fully know when you first marry someone. I think he is a classic example of a person who loved the idea of having a family, but we all know when reality hits its often nothing like we ever imagined. Most "grow" themselves into decent loving parents but some (and there are a few about) just find it too much.

My initial knee jerk reaction of not letting him take just the two, wasn't at all based on having time to myself, but on the fact that a father who hasn't seen his DC's since mid October would choose not to spend time (bar a few hours) with one of his children over Christmas. This is just simply hurtful and should not be. My parents are older and both have conditions that often associated with the age, but they always welcoming and want to see their many grandchildren. His parents just have our 3 or by the looks of it just 2.

I think I will join some lone parents chats if there are any. I have no idea how to navigate this without upset or something more permanent and unpleasant being caused to my DC's. I will be needing experience and advice for a while I think.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 16:58

What’s the relationship like with older siblings and their dad?

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