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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
Londoncallingme · 15/12/2021 17:45

If a lively 1yr old is too much for his duck mother then fair enough imo

Poppingmad123 · 15/12/2021 17:45

Surely he can manage all his children for just 1 day?

As you are separated now, he cannot rely on you and needs to learn to lookafter all his children on the few days he has them. I would say all or nothing, set the right precedent from day 1, to save yourself from this sort of thing in the future too.

I’m sure you’ve also had to learn some things too for yourself, unless he was completely useless when married too.

Ash2956 · 15/12/2021 17:51

I would make it clear that this is a one off and in future it’s all of the kids or none. They’re not flipping pick a mix!

Joesmummy1 · 15/12/2021 17:59

The obvious point is- how the hell does he not know how to look after a 1 year old when he already has 2 older kids?

Lushplease · 15/12/2021 18:03

They all go or none go- he has until tomorrow to make his decision.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 15/12/2021 18:09

He's saying he doesn't know how to look after his own kids, so no they wouldn't be going as I'd want to know they were safe with a competent adult.

Iziz · 15/12/2021 18:10

If he is the one looking after them then all 3 but I can see that the one year old is a lot of work for his mum if he is dumping them on her and she is doing all the hard work , he should be there to help her out , I would feel safer to keep the youngest with me if he won’t be around to help her much think of it as quality time .

maryzx · 15/12/2021 18:17

OP, your posts are all really sensible and well balanced, and a lot of what you say resonates with me.

However, in the situation you are in, I would have been positively telling XH that he wasn't taking the 1 yr old. I wouldn't have been happy for any of my DC to be spending the day with people who haven't been that bothered about them previously. I'd say definitely yes to the older two going, as they already (presumably) have an active relationship with their GPs and that shouldn't be disrupted - but nobody benefits from the baby going, not least the baby. People are sometimes too quick to use the children to make a point to their useless father (not that I think you're doing that, OP - but some of the responses smack of this).

1onway1under12and1over18 · 15/12/2021 18:20

They’re all his children & he should want to see them all. However if he’s being honest with himself he knows he’s not going to cope with a 1yr old & wont have his mothers help. Consider if you’d want any of the children at risk. Keep the 1yr old at home & send the other two. When they’re older they’ll make their own call on seeing him or not. Meantime you facilitate all you can to keep communication & visits open. If the children are safe. That way you can look back & say you did all you could but in the end it was he that walked away - seeing as he’s already moved 6 hours away this will be sooner rather than later.

rainbowdancegirl · 15/12/2021 18:36

It is rubbish but I would be worrying so much about the younger one I would want them to stay with me, let him take the older children

FootieMama · 15/12/2021 18:40

This is something that can be resolved when the baby is a bit older or starting with shorter periods of time. I know I would not leave my children when they were 1 year old alone with their dad overnight unless absolutely necessary because he didn't know how to care for them I did most of it. They wouldn't settle easily without me for example. My point is think about your children. Their relationship with their dad is important

Owl55 · 15/12/2021 18:55

Yes he’s being selfish but so are you , most 1 year olds would find this situation difficult put them first x

Tigger1895 · 15/12/2021 19:15

You story indicates he doesn’t spend time with the 1 yr old. Does he spend time with the others? Also, he has 3 kids so he’s had 2 one year olds already, he must have some experience. It sounds like laziness to me. So, he takes all 3 or none.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 15/12/2021 19:18

@Cutestbaby

I can understand people saying about 'not pick n mix' etc & you saying what you have, but there is a huge age gap between the eldest & the baby that for all of you Ex's life whether he lived with them or not the relationship the children have with him would be very different anyway. It's not like yhey are 6,8,10 / then
I'd be far more inclined to say either 'all or nothing' OR 'as long as it's 'fair' take 1, 2 or 3 each time, because I would want the children to have the opportunity to have 1:1 with their Dad, making him take all 3 benefits no one in my opinion (unless as I said, it's sometimes to facilitate a weekend away or a night out for your benefit (which is totally fine!!))

Each child getting what they need when they need it, to me, if far better than them all getting exactly the same at the same time.

I don't think anyone benefits (least of all the baby!!) by making him take all 3 or none.

Your older 2 are dealing with the changes to their family - little one will only know life like this. By the time the baby is 10 the older two will have adult lives of their own.

Enjoy the bs y, you know exactly how far they grow up!! I'm sure this isn't how you intended things to be when you left him, but he's chosen to move 6 hours away, so I'd fully throw myself into sole parenting, with him throwing money into the pot & let the older two take the lead with contact (within what he's prepared to to)

All three have you, he's like a side of salad.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 15/12/2021 19:19

How is it difficult for a dc to be with it's df in these circumstances?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/12/2021 19:29

Given the older two are so much older I think YABU.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/12/2021 19:47

@Happy1982ish

I have to disagree. I see it as being taken for a mug. My dc have no contact with their father now as he let them down too many times and they saw him for what he is.

I knew ultimately that he would cause them more pain in the long run if I enabled his shitty parenting. It was all or nothing and he wouldn't step up so its nothing . They are better off without him and with a decent stepfather in his place.

I see the OP putting her foot down as protecting her dc from pain down the line.

Locomelon · 15/12/2021 20:36

Hi OP. Co parent here! Have been for some years.
My advice, is do what you're comfortable with. Please don't worry about treading carefully around him for fear of putting him off making any effort. He is their father, and if he does that, they are better off without him. Truth. They have a loving mum, home and extended family. They feel loved. Always reassure them as I'm sure you do, that their dad loves them. The proving it is down to him and him only.
With regards to Christmas, I would personally tell him it's all or nothing. Yes, parenting a 1 year old can sometimes be tricky, I'm sure you think that as you parent them 99% of the time while he sits on his arse 6 hours away. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting a break. I used to look forward to a break every few weeks, as much as I missed them. It's important.
Wishing you luck and patience as you navigate through your first separated Christmas. 💐

csigeek · 15/12/2021 20:45

So this is the third time he’s had a 1yo child in his lifetime and he “doesn’t know what to do”?
All or nothing if that’s ok with the older kids imo

Starseeking · 15/12/2021 20:52

OP I had something similar happen when I first split with my EXDP earlier this year. He only wanted to take my DS4 (at the time), who is very advanced (in terms of reading, writing, talking, eating) and can do a lot for himself. He did not want to take DD3, who has significant SEN and needs everything doing for her. Quite frankly, he just couldn't be bothered.

We went back and forth across about 20 emails, during which I reiterated that I was more than happy for him to take them both, but not split them. He still turned up to take DS only, but as I'd assumed he wasn't coming, DS was out playing with his cousins, and DD was at nursery.

My EXDP sulked for about 4 weeks, before coming back to take them both for a long weekend. He now has both of them on average once a month for 4 days. If I'd allowed him that initial splitting the DC, he absolutely would have taken it as a green light to do it again and again in future. He's never asked to split the DC for visits again, as he knows what the answer would be. He's also building a nice relationship independent of me with both DC, which is lovely for them.

My advice to you is to keep your DC together as a unit; despite the age difference being DC of separated parents they will need strong bonds with each other, and they will thank you in the long run. Your EXDH will learn to look after the 1 year old, and if he chooses not to, that's up to him. Don't worry about things which are outside of your control. If he decides to step up and take them all, bonus is that you'll get a few days off to yourself as well.

Elbie79 · 15/12/2021 21:26

@Sally872

It's shit but I think the older two will miss out more by not seeing dad and gran than the younger one though. So for their sake I would allow it.

I would also hope his family tell him it is ridiculouse they don't see youngest because the father of 3 doesn't know how to look after a 1 one year old.

I agree with this
CallmeBadJanet · 15/12/2021 21:29

@Cutestbaby Imagine the conversation, Christmas 2038. "Sooooooo...dad took sibling 1, and sibling 2 to see granny and grandad for Christmas and didn't take me?.... And you let him?"

Nope, not happening. Dads an arse.

maryzx · 15/12/2021 21:55

[quote CallmeBadJanet]@Cutestbaby Imagine the conversation, Christmas 2038. "Sooooooo...dad took sibling 1, and sibling 2 to see granny and grandad for Christmas and didn't take me?.... And you let him?"

Nope, not happening. Dads an arse.[/quote]
Oh don't be silly.

Sibling 3 won't be saying this in 2038. All you can do by imagining this ridiculous scenario is make the OP feel bad.

"All or nothing" is never going to work with separated families. All any okish parent can do is fudge things a bit and come up with half solutions and so on. The only thing that actually matters in this particular case is that the OP's two older children, who are very much aware of what's going on, don't become pawns in an adult game. "All or nothing" is directed entirely at the useless father, but the only people who end up miserable are the two older children.

Plunger · 15/12/2021 22:02

Ask at what age he would be prepared to look after his own child. Aged 2? 5? 16? Didn't he look after the other 2?

cherish123 · 15/12/2021 22:03

Why is it difficult to look after a 1 Yr old? It's his child.