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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
3scape · 14/12/2021 14:35

Definitely he's being obstructive. Maybe he wants you to say no so it can be all your fault. He doesn't sound very focused on his responsibility. I take the other two are toilet trained, play and ask for drinks etc when needed. He wants to sit on his passive arse. I'd be pretty firm with they're your kids. Taking one out for a treat for them might be a future idea. But for now clearly he needs to pull up his pants and figgger it out.

lockdownalli · 14/12/2021 14:36

@Bushkin

All or nothing, definitely
Totally agree.

What a total wankbadger.

SunLovingMummy · 14/12/2021 14:38

I think YANBU for feeling that way. BUT you could be viewed as blocking access to the children. Even though it is he who moved so far away and he is the one not willing to take on the responsibility of his young child. How very sad he dies not live his child enough to put in the effort to see them during the holiday period. It dies beg the question as to how close your youngest will be to their father as this is likely to set a precedent at least until the youngest is out of nappies or whatever it is about a young child your ex dies not want to deal with. By then, the emotional distance will be there.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:38

'pick n mix' comments really made me chuckle, but I do think so too.
Until October this year we all lived in the same house, so he had plenty of opportunity (but no desire) to learn how to look after the LO.
But he has always been an 'absent parent' to the other two too, but as they are secondary school age and fend for themselves now he doesn't need to do much I guess.
However, pp mentioned this, I do worry the other two will miss out, despite them saying they could take it or leave it.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 14/12/2021 14:38

If his mother isn't in good health will she actually want three young children in her home (not that that excuses your useless ex). I'm not saying she should be helping with them, but actually having 3 of them around might be too much for her.

HollowTalk · 14/12/2021 14:38

Does he want to take them to his parents' house or does he want you to take them?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 14:39

@Ponoka7

My granddaughter has been taken out by me and other family members without the littler one. At one some babies aren't ok to be away from Mum for the whole day. Of course it makes a big difference if s/he won't settle for a nap, isn't good in a car seat that long etc. Aren't the older ones going to ever be allowed quality or age appropriate days out because of a younger sibling?
That's not at all what the OP is saying though is it? This isn't some treat that the 2 year old wouldn't enjoy it's spending time with their father. He's opting out of parenting the child that requires the most effort, I suspect it wouldn't have been an issue if his mum was not unwell as he wouldn't be looking after the 1 year old his mother would.
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 14/12/2021 14:39

Tell him that he needs to organise some time with his children in the new year - when he spends an hour or so taking all three out somewhere, and repeats every other weekend until the little one is used to him. Then he can start doing half-days. The goal is whole weekends when the kids are ready. Then, he might be able to have all of them for some of next Christmas.

The gradual build-up is for the baby’s benefit, not his. Looking after 3 is not rocket science, is it? You, presumably, had to look after all 3 children by yourself when? A week after the birth? A day after?

Seafog · 14/12/2021 14:40

How did he make it through the first two kids without learning anything?
It sounds like he should make the effort to learn to parent all of his DC.
You are expected to deal with them everyday, and he can't manage for two?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 14:41

*1 year old not 2.

Although I cross posted that the others are in secondary school and yes it really is now very clear as I and others suspected he's just wanting the eldest 2 as they require no work.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/12/2021 14:43

So he never looks after or see's his youngest or what? Deadbeat

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 14/12/2021 14:44

Ah, I’ve just seen their ages. I think I’d try to get them to understand that it really is their choice, and they can go if they want. But that they don’t have to go to please anyone, and it’s really fine if they don’t go, or if one of them goes and one doesn’t. Then let them choose.

That’s if he’s picking them up and dropping them off!

GroggyLegs · 14/12/2021 14:46

What's his plan for the 12h round trip with the older ones? Sounds bloody miserable for all involved.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2021 14:48

@CheesyFootballsAreEvil

Does he realise if anything should happen to you he will have to learn damp quick how to look after the 1 year old?
I would use this as the basis for my reply.
Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 14:48

I still say no.

The point is that you set a precedent.

Not at all surprised that he had no interest in mucking in when he was there!

No. If your older ones miss out, it will be because their Dad is too lazy to take their sibling along with them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2021 14:48

@RuggerHug

YANBU. They're his children not pick and mix.
Sorry, this is what I wanted to quote.

What a crappy father he is.

ClintBartonsWife · 14/12/2021 14:49

Well he sounds like a peach. That would be a no fucking way from me.

You need to be firm on this and get it across to him that it's all or nothing because otherwise he will always opt to take the easy way out and leave you picking up the pieces.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 14:50

@AryaStarkWolf

So he never looks after or see's his youngest or what? Deadbeat
Seems like it. I'm sure he will then be blaming the poor OP for alienating the littlest and wondering why his child doesn't want to see him when he finally decides they are easy enough to look after in about 8 years time.
girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 14:52

@PinkWaferBiscuit I do understand what you're saying and I'd be furious if one of my children would be left out too but I wouldn't want their dads selfishness to be the reason the others didn't get to see their nan.

As it is, if they're saying they can take it or leave it, I would say he's a parent to all 3 so he treats them equally or doesn't bother at all. And keep a written record!

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 14/12/2021 14:53

@hirpleswithhaggis those are my thoughts too.
Yes OK he should know what to do with the 1 year old, but he doesn't, and I couldn't stand the idea of my baby being upset whilst he learned how to look after them.
I know it's not fair that he gets out of the responsibility, but it feels like every kind of wrong to send a baby to someone clueless, even if he is their father.

Spinakker · 14/12/2021 14:53

I would let the older 2 go. A long trip isn't fun for a 1 year old. My parents lived nearby but found my youngest hard to be around until he was 3!... it does change the dynamic alot and I think your DH and 1 year old would struggle with a long trip- its not going to be enjoyable for anyone then- so what's the point? Let older 2 spend some time with their dad and family and you can have one to one time with youngest.

irishfarmer · 14/12/2021 14:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Surely he can look after his own 1 yr old child! And you said the other two are teens so it's not like he is looking after 3 small kids.
He is being lazy, he wants to see the kids that suit him. i.e. can dress/ feed/ look after themselves! Which is very little effort on his part.

Unsure33 · 14/12/2021 14:54

6 hour drive . Wow.

Personally I would agree he is a rubbish dad , but I am not sure I would want a one year old in the car for all that time with someone who has admitted he is inadequate.

Let the older ones chose.

Sh05 · 14/12/2021 14:55

I agree with the pick n mix comments but I'd also not be comfortable with my 1 year old doing such a long journey without me.
So although you're right that he should be able to look after his own children, the only person who will suffer is the baby so warn him this is a one off and let them go.
If the older two are teens then they won't mind as otherwise the responsibility of looking after their baby sibling will probably fall on them.

whynotwhatknot · 14/12/2021 14:55

How convienient the older two can look after themselves so he doesnt have to do anything

what about next visit when he says he cant cope or the time after that will the youngest ever see him