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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/12/2021 17:27

And if the plan is overnight - I've reread and see you mention 2 days.. then I'd say take them all boxing day morning, bring the baby back for bedtime, older 2 can stay over....

NessieMcNessface · 14/12/2021 17:27

I would be pleased that I was able to keep the little one at home with me. I can’t see how the one year old is going to benefit from the situation. But I totally respect all the other opinions about him taking responsibility. Just saying that personally, I’d be glad to keep the baby with me where their needs would be met.

LittleMysSister · 14/12/2021 17:31

I think he's being pretty harsh not to want to take his one year old as well, given the distance away he normally is.

Surely his mum wants to see her little grandchild?!

I would push back on him here and say he needs to take his baby. At that young age and with him not living with you, the only time he has to forge a relationship are times like this.

I know your little one is so young and won't be aware of what's happening, but they will really struggle to bond with their dad if he doesn't start spending time with them until they are a more 'manageable age', that will be years!

Fifthtimelucky · 14/12/2021 17:35

@Enb76

I think you should pick your battles and this is not one of them. You get to spend some one on one with a child who probably rarely has fully undivided attention and the older two get to go off for a bit without the attention drain that is their tiny sibling. I would absolutely let this happen.
I agree with this.

Given that the grandmother is not well, a baby in the house might be a bit much for her, especially one who is likely to be missing their mother and unsettled by being looked by a father they might not remember.

I think it would be nice for the older children to spend some time with a grandmother they presumably already have a relationship with, and for the baby to get a bit of undivided attention.

Charlyz · 14/12/2021 17:36

It may be about his inability to care for the 1 year old. But I think it is more about controlling your freedom. My ex moved into the basement of a home (folks he didn't know). He would only take 2 of the 4 children with him on Wednesday night (1 day out the week which he rarely did), because it was way for him to control my coming and going. As long as he left one or two behind, I could not be free to do as I please. He then told me, he didn't feel comfortable living there with the new roommates and started visiting my kids at my home, he would have the kids ask if he could come in and watch a movie. I put my foot down and said no more visiting in front of my home. He had to pick them up and take them with him (it was Covid, no place to go but to an empty park). And no more entering into my home to hang out with the kids. So I kept them busy so he could not see them for few minutes of the day. Then i filed for divorce, and the agreement said you pay me x amount to keep your kids 100% of the time. No longer is he controlling me, and no longer is he avoiding responsibility.
It is control.

But flip your thinking when it comes to the 1 year old. Enjoy the 1 on 1 time and discover something you didn't know about this little person. Sneak in some rest for yourself.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 14/12/2021 17:36

So they'll only be 30 minutes away? I'd be expecting him to take the 1 year old. If not now, then when? Sure, the baby won't realise this year but it won't be long until they do. Best to get your ex used to it from the start, rather than setting a precedent where he expects not to have to parent one third of his children.

LittleMysSister · 14/12/2021 17:39

Is he planning on spending any time with the 1yo over Christmas?

I'd let it go if he had other plans to spend time with all 3 children over the period, but if these 2 days are all he's planning to spend with them and he wants to cut the little one out of it completely then I'd push him to take him for sure. Even if just for the day and 1yo comes home to you for the overnight.

Tbh I'd be worried he's trying to check out of being a dad to the little one because they were unplanned and so young when he moved out. He needs to spend time with them in order to create a relationship and bond, given at 6hr distance he won't be seeing them often (I'm assuming).

Chocolatewheatos · 14/12/2021 17:43

He's being a prick, obviously, but I don't know that the older ones should miss out seeing their grandparents because of him.

On a particularly bitter note. It really fucks me off that some men make out some jobs are so fucking hard despite expecting women to do them and a million other fucking things every day and still say they have it easy.

stingofthebutterfly · 14/12/2021 17:44

It's not exactly rocket science to look after a one year old. Nappies, food, beaker, change of clothes, and keep an eye on them. Done. If he can't do that then he's not fit to be a father.

TatianaBis · 14/12/2021 17:57

Wouldn’t send a 1 year old to someone who’s not confident or competent to parent them. So much could go wrong.

Is he offering to drive a 12 hour round trip to pick them up? How will he drop them home?

TatianaBis · 14/12/2021 17:58

I don’t think an ill grandma is any great shakes at Christmas, they’re not missing much there.

Double3xposure · 14/12/2021 18:08

I have two kids in high school and they wouldn’t enjoy spending Boxing Day with father they rarely see and who never bothered with them when they lived together.

Throw in elderly granny ( who I assume dad never takes them to see either ) and the distinct possibility of having to change nappies and look after their little brother - it sounds like no fun at all.

TaylorsSwimShorts · 14/12/2021 18:28

I'd also be pleased, like hell would I send my 1 yr old to an incompetent father, I also wouldn't split my kids for boxing day, I have a similar ex only the baby in our situation is 8 and hes still not trusted with her, and none of them ever do overnights or far trips away, can't be trusted=doesn't get to take them 🤷‍♀️

Sh05 · 14/12/2021 18:41

Sorry op I misunderstood about the travelling required.
If it's only 30 minutes away then he must definitely take all three of them. When will he ever learn if he's not even prepared to take his one year old for a short journey away.
You need to make it clear to him that he takes all 3 but you'll also have to be prepared that he might bring little one back at the end of the day a little cranky and might not keep him for the night.

ivykaty44 · 14/12/2021 18:45

that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old confused. Because he doesn't know what to do

well you'd better get some practice in pdq

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 18:48

@TatianaBis

Wouldn’t send a 1 year old to someone who’s not confident or competent to parent them. So much could go wrong.

Is he offering to drive a 12 hour round trip to pick them up? How will he drop them home?

He's stopping at his parents house and they live half an hour from OP
AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2021 19:04

Do you feel there might be a serious safety or neglect issue with the littlest? If not, I say begin as you mean to go on. If he's allowed to 'opt out' of taking the 1 yr old now, it will become the default pattern. And soon that 1 year old will realize that their shithead father has no or less time for them than for their siblings. Besides, don't the grandparents want to see all three children for Xmas?

They'll all be only 30 minutes away. If there is a real 'issue' one of the older DC can call you.

TatianaBis · 14/12/2021 19:10

He's stopping at his parents house and they live half an hour from OP

Oh I missed that bit. But the other point stands.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2021 19:10

Gp live 30m away so why can’t he pick them up at 10/11. Take for lunch. Spend few hours with all 3 kids

Drive them back to yours 3/4/5pm

AnneElliott · 14/12/2021 19:51

I think it's all or nothing. He doesn't want the baby because he'll have to run after them the whole time rather than enjoying a Boxing Day with older kids who amuse themselves!

Since you're only 30 mins away then I'd insist he takes them all. Let him find out how bloody hard it is being responsible all day for a small baby.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 21:04

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria yes I left him. I don't think I would have if I didn't have the last child, because once the other two got older I forgot what it was like.
And he was shocked, because in his world we were good as we do not argue much and there is intimacy between us.
The truth is he doesn't want to learn anything.

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights just as you are probably suspecting he would have preferred not to have the baby but left it to me to decide. Never said that he wouldn't support but from the moment go made it obvious that he will have as little as possible to do with helping with day to day care. Possibly worse than with the others.

And just confirm to posters wondering, there is no question of paternity. Also in terms of finances pays his way. But this is one of a few plus sides he has, it's like he would have been better suited to the 1930's where fathers just expected to provide and otherwise not be involved.
And of course I value spending time with my DC's and not after free time, especially at the time when families are together. I think I still want their dad to want the same.
I am also not sure if this is him being controlling, probably what one of the posters said about wanting to enjoy himself and not run after a toddler.

Some of you mentioned grandparents, well they are not unkind but also not very welcoming and warm-hearted, always very formal with the grandchildren. Didn't get to see much of the LO mainly due to covid, but also never made any effort to.

I wrote this post at work after receiving an email from their dad asking this question. All of your answers have helped me to think straight and not get overwhelmed with emotions.

OP posts:
lisaandalan · 14/12/2021 23:25

I would not want my one year old to go without me anyway, I would worry they would not supervise them properly and not be in tune with the baby's needs as I am, because the baby can't talk properly I would worry he would not understand what they wanted ect.
Also does the baby know him well did he spend a lot of time with them. ? X

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/12/2021 00:17

No chance. All or nothing.

You are making a rod for your own back if you agree to this. He's a deadbeat. He has to learn. You are not his nanny.

diddl · 15/12/2021 10:06

@Willyoujustbequiet

No chance. All or nothing.

You are making a rod for your own back if you agree to this. He's a deadbeat. He has to learn. You are not his nanny.

Will it push him into learning though of push him to not bother with any of his kids?
Original poster
Cutestbaby · 15/12/2021 11:01

And this is my worry too, if it gets too hard he might not bother at all. He already made sure that he is not pressured to have them at weekends by moving far, albeit through work,but he didn't need to take it if he didn't want to.
I feel a lot of guilt for orchestrating the split and how it will affect the kids now that their dad only seeing them for a couple of days here and there. And one of them just for an hour or so. At least when we lived in the same house it at least seemed that he cared.

OP posts: