Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want 2 DC's go to paternal grandma's house on boxing day if the youngest isn't invited?

212 replies

Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 14:13

I feel like I need to give some background info as it is all new to me and not sure what to feel really.

Separated with H this year, myself and 3 kids just moved into to our new home. Their dad moved 6 hours drive away last month because of work (and yes, as many of you are probably thinking, to run away from responsibility)
We are having Christmas with my family and he asked to take the kids to see his parents on boxing day.

Which I was obviously absolutely fine with until he announced that it would be tricky to take our 1 year old Confused. Because he doesn't know what to do and his mum is not in her best health.
But I find this really upsetting, despite knowing that the little one won't know any different. And it all makes me want to say that the other two won't go then (they are not particularly bothered about going anyway).

Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this, because actually he probably will really struggle to look after the baby and his mum is not able to.

Or they are all his kids and he should want to spend 2 days over Christmas with them no matter how hard.

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/12/2021 15:41

@Happy1982ish

Are posters failing to grasp that
  1. The op think he’s an incapable shit father
  2. He recognises the above is true and so says he can’t hack it

Why? Why why why? Would you want to push a very young baby on to someone like that??? I’d be internally overjoyed!!

Not missing the fact at all but it's not about pushing a small baby on him it's about ensuring he has a relationship with all his children not just those who are old enough to not need much parenting.

It's fine for people to say they would be happy not to leave the baby with him because he's pleading incompetence but where do you draw the line? At 2, 3, 4, 5 years old? By the time this child's old enough to be self sufficient they won't actually have spent any time with their father.

Earwigworries · 14/12/2021 15:42

I think it sucks - but not in your little ones best interest to be taken along . In a strange environment with an incompetent parent … let the older 2 go but insist he spends an extra period of time with the 1 year old

RealBecca · 14/12/2021 15:43

If he doesn't know what to do with a 1 year old he should have been an actual fucking father before you split.

Enb76 · 14/12/2021 15:44

I think you should pick your battles and this is not one of them. You get to spend some one on one with a child who probably rarely has fully undivided attention and the older two get to go off for a bit without the attention drain that is their tiny sibling. I would absolutely let this happen.

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 15:45

But again
The man sounds incompetent and unpleasant

Not someone that I would be bending over backwards to forge a relationship with my children just because he’s biologically related to them.

And whatever the opinion re above
We are talking about a young baby here. Not an age to take any risks with in order to prove a point

RealBecca · 14/12/2021 15:45

Id be telling him he needs to visit regularaly until he knows how to parent all 3 simultaneously, just like you have to when hes six bloody hours away.

Until then he gets none of them.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 14/12/2021 15:46

And the sibling divide begins.
When exactly is the poor lamb expected to be able to manage his own bloody dc?

DeepaBeesKit · 14/12/2021 15:47

Unless there's a drip feed here and 1 year old is bf and likely to be miserable without you, hibu.

Needdoughnuts · 14/12/2021 15:47

I think I would ignore the fact he is a loser dad and focus on your two older children spending time with their gran. Especially if they haven't seen her since the split. Also, is she quite happy for them to come? Just thinking of covid. And if they want or need anything, they ask him and not granny. Make him step up with them (the easy two) and then hit him with all three next year.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 15:48

So I think we have a mixture of opinions of whether to let the two bigger ones go.

It's a hard one for me, because I agree about the age difference and I do worry about the level of care and how happy the baby actually will be. But then I also see it as rejection of the child and that is the part where angry me doesn't want to allow it to happen.
I suppose similar situations will continue happening in the future and I will just need to learn a way to deal with it in the best possible way for the kids sake.

Thank you for your honest opinions!

OP posts:
KnobJockey · 14/12/2021 15:49

30 mins away? I would 100% tell him to take the baby too- you're close enough if any emergencies arise

heymammy · 14/12/2021 15:50

@Skeumorph

And I think you should spell this out pronto.

'No. That just isn't the way it's going to be. You are either a full parent or not a parent at all. You need to be fully able to cope with all three, in every setting. It isn't pick and mix. It isn't play-pretend at parenting, it's real parenting, where you can't stick one in a cupboard like a doll because two is easier. If you don't think it's a good idea to take YOUR children to your mum's for Boxing Day that's fine. But you will never ever get to pick and choose for an easy life. If this is how you feel about caring for all three, I suggest you need some practice quick sharp. When can I drop all three to you for the day and evening?'

Please say exactly this. Pick and mix is absolutely not appropriate in this context.

If he wanted to take the teens to a concert, fine, leave the toddler. If he wanted to take the toddler to soft play, fine leave the teens. Don't split them up on a Xmas visit to granny's house ffs!

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2021 15:50

If your other dc are high school age then I’m sure they are able to help with the one year old (probably more capable than he is as he sounds useless)? The other dc can entertain the younger sibling in the car?

He’s just trying to make life easier for himself.

averythinline · 14/12/2021 15:54

As the baby is only 1 then I wouldn't push it particularly this year especially as its the first year...

Give the olders the opportunity to get to see their Gparents..if they usually would of???

That would drive my thoughts really did they have a relationship before? how has this been managed since he's moved away...

The baby won't know/care this year.... by next year he will have established how much/little he is going to bother with the DC so different question.... I would really focus on the elder dc and their relationships this year they've had lots of change....

NandorTheRelentless · 14/12/2021 15:55

where are the inlaws? are they 6 hours away? or did he just move

BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2021 15:56

YANBU. You make 'em, you take 'em. You don't really get to cherry pick your kids, or deem one of them inconvenient. Why doesn't he just either go elsewhere with all 3 or ASK you how to care for the 1yr old for a few hours. Just because other people consider you an incapable arsehole DH, doesn't mean you should live up to that.

Nevermakeit · 14/12/2021 15:56

It's clearly totally unacceptable on his part, but in this case, I would keep the 1 year old.
Because ultimately, if he doesn't look after her properly, she is the one who will suffer, so I would prioritise her wellbeing and keep her with me. But he is clearly a disgraceful parent.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 14/12/2021 15:58

And you left him, did you? Well done.

I'm in the "all or nothing" camp. He'll figure out what to do. the older siblings know what to do. It's not THAT hard and you're half an hour away.

He needs to learn what he dodged when the others were little. It's parenting, you step up. This is his time

LuaDipa · 14/12/2021 15:58

@Ponoka7

My granddaughter has been taken out by me and other family members without the littler one. At one some babies aren't ok to be away from Mum for the whole day. Of course it makes a big difference if s/he won't settle for a nap, isn't good in a car seat that long etc. Aren't the older ones going to ever be allowed quality or age appropriate days out because of a younger sibling?
With respect, you and other family members are not the child’s parent. The situations are not comparable.
LuaDipa · 14/12/2021 15:59

Op, the thing is if he doesn’t take the youngest now they may never bond and the child may never actually want to go.

Original poster
Cutestbaby · 14/12/2021 16:02

No drip feed, all as is. Baby is bottle fed from the time I got back to work. Its hard to add all details into an already long post.

And other two love the baby and of course can help, though not expected to. With school, nursery, clubs and work we don't get a great deal of quality time together.

I think I just want him to love and want to care for all of his kids and for all them to be happy and spend time with their dad at Christmas until next holiday, I imagine . But I guess in this case it's not realistic.

OP posts:
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 14/12/2021 16:03

@Cutestbaby

I'm sorry you've literally been left holding the (surprise) baby! What was his view when you first found out you were pregnant with little surprise?

As for Christmas. I'd be ok with him taking the older 2 & leaving the baby. Both because the older two will benefit more from time with him without the baby needing a lot of attention & because the baby will (I presume) be happier at home with you.

He's chosen to move 6 hours away, so you're going to be the sole carer for the little one. It would be nice if he wanted to come down more often to see the kids & spend time with them, but given their ages, it's most likely to be with the older two & the baby separately unless you want him to stay at yours while you go away or something. It could benefit all the kids (but not much respite for you!) but he's opted out if actually parenting them. (Bastard!!).

I hope, at least, he's paying more than the bare minimum!!

How are the older two coping with him moving so far away?

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 14/12/2021 16:05

@Cutestbaby.

You see h taking the eldest two & not the baby seems like a rejection of the baby?

Errr I'd see moving 6 hours away as the rejection. CD not so much.

Has there ever been any suggestion that he thinks the baby might not be his?

Faevern · 14/12/2021 16:11

I would not send my 1 year old DC with a feckless ex who could not see to his needs. Nor would I hold him as an all or nothing ransom.

I would ask my older children what they wanted to do and if they said they were not bothered I would be mindful that they may be saying this out of loyalty to me. I would encourage them to go, he's already rejected them by moving away so they are not going to get many chances to maintain a relationship with him.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2021 16:16

He's got 3 kids.

He managed to parent the eldest two as babies.

He just can't be arsed with the youngest.

Sorry doesn't work like that. He takes them all or they all stay with you. Why should he get to be 'fun dad' with no responsibility whilst you have to do that?

No. Just no.