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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Gargellen · 09/12/2021 10:51

Only when his family are gone will he spend Christmas with you.

You don't really need to know anything else about why he sees you as a second best option really OP.

Thegreencup · 09/12/2021 10:51

I take it when you say family, you mean his parents and siblings rather than his kids from a previous relationship?

Why aren't you invited to go with his family too?

If its still like this two years in, it will never get better OP.

Lockheart · 09/12/2021 10:52

Can't you go away with his family? Thinking about alternating Christmas is a bit much when you've only been together two years.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 10:52

Does he invite you to spend Xmas with him and his family?

NoNameHere12 · 09/12/2021 10:53

Look at it this way, it’s only been two years, no time at all compared to how things could go for you, cur your losses and move on now before the salt is rubbed in the wound year upon year and with kids involved.

Don’t choose that life, misery awaits that way.

thegrassisalwaysgreener · 09/12/2021 10:56

I think 2 years is quite soon to be spending Christmas together. DH and I only really started alternating christmases between families when we moved in together after 5 years together. Maybe he just thinks it's too soon?

Sprig1 · 09/12/2021 10:56

I wouldn't be happy about coming second best. Do his family know about you? Why aren't you invited?

Original poster
eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:56

Thanks everyone for your replies, no I was never invited to go away with his family (his parents and siblings) which is what I thought was strange and I did try to suggest I would go but he just ignored it really

OP posts:
Landof · 09/12/2021 10:57

Crikey you haven't even been together 2 years yet. Just enjoy Christmas with your family. My brother only started the alternate Christmasses with his in laws when they got married.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 10:59

Oh just seen you’ve only been together two years, so two xmas’s, so of course you’ve noth been invited.

Are you very young?

Triffid1 · 09/12/2021 11:00

For me, a partner who didn't want me to spend christmas with him and his family is not someone I would want to be with. I appreciate that other people are different. I also totally get that even wanting to spend christmas together and actually doing so might not always happen due to complex family dynamics.

So for me, this would be a dealbreaker. Fine when you're young and not living together but you are living together - this isn't a casual relationship and I would be very concerned that my partner didn't want me to be part of his family under these conditions. I'd also be suspicious personally.

2pinkginsplease · 09/12/2021 11:03

The fact you live together and he still goes away without you for christmas with his family is just bizarre.

What's going to happen years down the line if you decide to have children?

Dh and I didnt spend Christmas together at first as we both still lived at home. But by the 3rd christmas we shared Christmas with our families and each other. We still lived at home by this point.

megustalacerveza · 09/12/2021 11:04

I never understand how so many people are so needy. You live together all the time and you can't let him go and have xmas with his family? I will never understand such a clingy mindset. I'm in my mid thirties and have always gone to my own family for xmas, even when living with a partner.

The only way he would be unreasonable would be if you'd otherwise be on your own for Christmas. That would be mean. If you have your own family to go to, why can't you just do that?

Pedalpushers · 09/12/2021 11:04

Well my DH and I started doing alternate Christmas with families from our first one, when we'd been together 11 months and he came to my family as his were on an 'off' year where his brothers go to in laws. It was lovely and not too soon at all. Staying separate at that stage is fine obviously but it's hardly odd to wonder about being invited after 2 years, people get married after that.

I wasn't clear if you live together now? If you don't I think it's less concerning and he probably would be more open to combining Xmas when you do. If you do live together, I think it's really strange to head off to your family without inviting your live in partner.

BringMeTea · 09/12/2021 11:05

Throw this one back OP. He is not the one for you.

Mandofan · 09/12/2021 11:06

Me and my my partner have been together for a similar amount of time and we’ve never spent Christmas together. I was invited last year but lockdown got in the way. Tbh I love spending Christmas with my family and I don’t want to give that up yet. We’ve agreed to spend Christmas together once we have kids

Tal45 · 09/12/2021 11:07

You live together so I'd be really upset too. In fact I was in almost exactly the same position 20 years ago. I wish I'd realised then that I wasn't a priority and his family would always be prioritised over me.

He doesn't care that you're upset about this and is not willing to compromise in anyway. Don't expect that to change just because you get married and have children.

Franca123 · 09/12/2021 11:07

I was in this situation. Eventually he relented and we did one or two Christmases as you suggest. We broke up anyway. He never really wanted to be with me and not spending Christmas together was one big clue. Sorry.......

anungratefulwretch · 09/12/2021 11:08

You've been together for less than 2 years. There's no reason why you should expect to spend Christmas together yet, imo.

megustalacerveza · 09/12/2021 11:09

@Tal45

You live together so I'd be really upset too. In fact I was in almost exactly the same position 20 years ago. I wish I'd realised then that I wasn't a priority and his family would always be prioritised over me.

He doesn't care that you're upset about this and is not willing to compromise in anyway. Don't expect that to change just because you get married and have children.

Surely living together makes it even MORE normal to spend xmas with family and not with each other? Why do people want to cling to someone else 24/7? It's baffling. Do you never want quality time with your family without having to integrate your partner into the family dynamics?
Franca123 · 09/12/2021 11:09

Oh yes. I do remember him saying that his mum would always come first. And that he didn't believe in compromise. Now I'm older, I don't understand why I stuck around so long! Life is too short - move on.

IgneousRock · 09/12/2021 11:13

DH and I spent Christmas apart (with our separate families) until we'd been together for a lot longer than 2 years - about 5 years I think? We've been married for 18 years now so it definitely wasn't that he wasn't committed to me!

Phrowzunn · 09/12/2021 11:14

How old are you both? DH and I have been together since 18 and didn’t spend Christmas together until we got married at 27 so it was a long time into the relationship but was probably more of an age thing? Now obviously we do Christmas together with our children.

WOTW · 09/12/2021 11:15

Wanting to spend Christmas with your partner isn't a problem, but I wouldn't push it. You've been together under 24 months. That's such a short time. It sounds like he is not quite ready to break tradition yet and I don't think that's unreasonable yet.

Original poster
eem12345 · 09/12/2021 11:18

Thanks everyone really appreciate all your comments. @Phrowzunn we are 26 and 28

OP posts: