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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2021 13:12

Also when did they book this holiday?

I am guessing they booked the holiday at least 6 months out as it's quite a busy time to go away.
So at this point, you would have been going out for less than 18 months so I would say that it would be too early to automatically be included in this family holiday

dollbaby868 · 09/12/2021 13:16

@thegrassisalwaysgreener

I think 2 years is quite soon to be spending Christmas together. DH and I only really started alternating christmases between families when we moved in together after 5 years together. Maybe he just thinks it's too soon?

I agree with this. You've only been together two years, I'd defo think it's too early to be spending Christmas together or whatever. I don't think his family need to invite you either. Could just be a time that they like to spend together and it's been that way for years

Thatsplentyjack · 09/12/2021 13:16

@Pipsquiggle

Also when did they book this holiday?

Yeah and also the fact this has only happened once before. This is only the second time this has come up. Would also be interested in who pays for the holiday. Bet its the parents. I wouldn't want to give up a weeks holiday paid by my parents, and I certainly wouldn't be cheeky enough tk ask them to pay for my partner to come with us.

gogohm · 09/12/2021 13:22

We are spending Christmas together going to my family, 3rd Christmas (last year lock down so obviously at home together) - but in our case there was no invitation to his so an easy decision. His girls are coming to my parents too (aren't they great)

But I know married couples who each go to their families at Christmas, there's no set rules

TheNinny · 09/12/2021 13:22

I should add 2 years as adults. Also, at 26 and 28, is it not time for his family/your partner to relinquish the clutches just a bit? My now DH was 30 when started dating me. We had been together a only a few months at Xmas but he was happy to come to mine for Xmas day. He said his family had him every year for 30 years so they could deal with it 😂😦 (they aren’t so steeped in tradition, but still). Expecting grown adults not to bring partners they are living with is weird.

KatherineJaneway · 09/12/2021 13:23

I did try to suggest I would go but he just ignored it really

This would worry me far more than him wanting to be with his parents at Christmas if he can't talk openly with you about a simply subject.

Earwigworries · 09/12/2021 13:23

OP - I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset - if you live together then I’d assume that includes Christmas too … otherwise you are little more than flat mates . How long you have lived together , when the holiday was booked etc all have an impact on how reasonable this is though . The big clue is that he isn’t willing to talk about it , shuts you down and gets annoyed . He doesn’t care how you feel . If you must give him the benefit of the doubt then get rid of him before next Christmas if he pulls the same stunt again

DedalusBloom · 09/12/2021 13:25

There are so many dynamics -Christmas is a very fraught time. I love spending time with my family but I know its very stressful for a lot of people. it also depends where they live - I had a boyfriend for about 4 years whose parents live in the Hebrides, so as I work up to the last minute on xmas eve, travel was never going to work out (and frankly I didnt fancy the schlep, even though they were lovely) so he always spend xmas with them. We used to visit at other times. 2 years doesnt seem a lot to be starting 'new traditions' to be honest. Can you have an early Christmas on the 22nd?

If you dont have a great relationship with your own family I can see how it must seem like you are being excluded. But as PP have said -who pays for the holiday is an issue. I also suspect given your ages that his parents pay for the immediate family and partners arent invited as it could get a bit unwieldy.

I do think its a positive when families are close, but as PPs have also said, that can also indicate massive man babies who aren't off the teat into their thirties and beyond.

You say he's a great man so we can assume he's not tied to his mums apron strings -I would let this Christmas pass and raise the subject when he's back.

plan a lovely new year celebration together and spend as much time as you can with friends and family.

Antsgomarching · 09/12/2021 13:26

I’d prefer to go to my family too tbh and i did before DH got married. Its a special dynamic that changes when kids/marriages etc come along.

Blossom64265 · 09/12/2021 13:27

The key is that you live together. That step should be significant and indicate a shift in the relationship, like spending Christmas together. If he wasn’t ready for that level of commitment, it was too early for cohabitation.

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/12/2021 13:27

He's just not that into you

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/12/2021 13:29

How can it be "too early" to be spending Christmas together when they are already co-habiting?

GreenOlivesinGin · 09/12/2021 13:34

Just to offer a different perspective..
My husband and I have been together for years, but we always spent Christmas separately (each with our respective families). This was because Christmas was very important to his family, so for their sake he would spend it with them, and I always wanted to see my family who were less fussed about Christmas but they live far away so visits were rare. It did not mean we were not serious for one another, and we did spend the rest of the year together. It was only after maybe 6 years in (don't quite remember) that we started spending Christmas together, and now that we have kids we are always together as well.
Of course if you are not happy about it that's a separate point, and we can have no idea what your boyfriend's reasons are, but I don't think that spending Christmas apart two years in is necessarily indicative of a bigger issue: I would just look at the bigger relationship picture.

BlondeDogLady · 09/12/2021 13:36

I think this is really weird! You live together, you are committed, the fact he doesn't invite you to go as well seems utterly bizarre to me. Where do they go? Why can't you go? What will you be doing when he's away?

DreamingofTimbuktu · 09/12/2021 13:38

If you’ve only been together 2 years, then 2019 was too soon, 2020 barely happened so this is the first time it’s come up. Maybe he just wants one last Christmas as pre Covid before settling down with you?

Subbaxeo · 09/12/2021 13:38

For those it’s saying it’s no big deal and she shouldn’t be with her live in partner at Christmas-that might work for you but the OP wants to be with her DP. I’d be upset if my other half disregarded what I wanted and pissed off to be with his family over Christmas leaving me to do my own thing. You need to talk to him OP and say how much being with him at Christmas means to you and how happy you’d be to be with him. His response will show you who he is.

me4real · 09/12/2021 13:39

I never understand how so many people are so needy. You live together all the time and you can't let him go and have xmas with his family? I will never understand such a clingy mindset. I'm in my mid thirties and have always gone to my own family for xmas, even when living with a partner.

@megustalacerveza I think most people when they're living together do go to a parents' or in-laws' together for Xmas.

It's not a matter of being needy, it's just what people tend to do. Either that or they will host sometimes.

I suppose all this would tend to be past the 2 year mark, though.

OP not liking her OH to go on a trip for a few days is a different matter and a bit clingy. And it's true that the family will've booked the trip a while back when they'd been together even less time.

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2021 13:39

@thedefinitionofmadness

How can it be "too early" to be spending Christmas together when they are already co-habiting?

Because as may PPs have stated, including me, we didn't spend Christmas with our OH's family after many more years cohabitation and/or marriage and/or children

Youcunnyfunt · 09/12/2021 13:40

This is one of the things that contributed to a break up for me in January this year!

I asked my ex if he ever saw me as family, and were we not creating our own little family? He was baffled. End of the line for me! (There were a lot of other factors, but that definitely topped it!)

BlondeDogLady · 09/12/2021 13:40

Also, it's weird his family don't invite you! My son is 24 and has been dating someone for 6 months, who we haven't yet met. She is foreign, her family are thousands of miles away, and I was concerned she might be alone at Christmas. I told my son he was very welcome to bring her home for Christmas. Turns out she has friends to spend it with, but it seemed a natural thing for me to extend an invitation.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2021 13:42

I don't know, my brother spent Christmas with us until him and his then -girlfriend-now-wife got married and now they alternate between the two families, was never an issue or seemed strange to me.

Belladonna12 · 09/12/2021 13:46

You have only been together for two years which is not that long. I don't think DH and I spent Christmas together for the first few years of our relationship either and neither did my brother and now sister-in-law. The fact you live together is fairly irrelevant- it's not really a huge commitment if you rent and don't have children.

LittleGwyneth · 09/12/2021 13:48

Two years is only two Christmasses. I got together with mine very quickly but we still didn't do Christmas together until we'd been together for three or so years. Could you have a conversation in the New Year / Spring about a timeline to spend it together?

tallduckandhandsome · 09/12/2021 13:52

I think the other thing when did you bring this up? As a pp said, the holiday could have been booked months or a year ago so you bringing it up this month is too late.

Have a discussion about Xmas 2022.

Batshitkerazy · 09/12/2021 13:53

Why are there always a competition on mumsnet of who took their relationship the slowest? “Oh it’s ONLY been 2 years, you barely know them”. I find it so bizarre and certainly not how things are in the real world, in my circle anyway

We spent Christmas together after 6 months and have alternated since, it would be really strange not to! We live together and are in a committed long term relationship, my family would be very confused if I spent it with them instead of him!

So no OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable

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