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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 09/12/2021 20:09

throw him back OP. I would understand if you were not living together but you are.

Mummys boy? They never end well in relationships, you will always come 2nd!

Twinsmummy1812 · 09/12/2021 20:15

Are they going abroad? Can you not join them maybe the day after Boxing Day?

MadameMonk · 09/12/2021 20:16

For me it’s the fact he cuts you off or ignores you when you try to discuss it. That does not augur well for a happy life together.

I can see seperate Christmas working when a couple talks it through, finds compromises and makes up for it in other ways. There’s opportunity here to create new fab Christmas traditions between you.

But not with someone who refuses to engage and neglects your needs and feelings so blatantly. They seldom save up this attitude for just one issue. He’s just like that. And that’s a huge problem for you.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2021 22:59

@arlodumbledog

you seem a bit controlling, I’m not surprised
Controlling ? Most overused word on here!

She's allowed an opinion and feelings. It's not like she's blocking the door!

Coffeepot72 · 10/12/2021 07:55

Controlling? Seriously?

Pipsquiggle · 10/12/2021 10:02

If this thread has taught us anything is how people think so differently about sharing Christmas or not with their other half.

OP - this holiday was probably booked when your relationship was only just developing. What is important is you to talk to your OH about future Christmases

MaHBroon · 10/12/2021 10:09

I genuinely don’t understand why alternating Christmas after being with someone for two years is too soon in a relationship when the couple are actually living together.

It all seems rather back to front.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/12/2021 11:05

@Funnylittlefloozie

I do find it a bit odd that grown adults in relationships feel the need to scurry back to mummy and daddy at Christmas and not be with their actual partners, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.

It was never an issue for DP and me - he has been rostered to work at least part of every Christmas Day since we met, and for most of the last 25 years! So, he has no tradition of spending the big day with his family, and has just come to me. I'd love to do a huge family Christmas lunch, with all the in-laws and outlaws, but I can't see it happening until DP retires or gets lucky on the shift pattern.

"scurrying back?" What a horrible way to post "spending Christmas with their parents" Bloody hell
RealBecca · 10/12/2021 11:07

Do his family invite you and he doesnt?

AryaStarkWolf · 10/12/2021 11:08

@GettingItOutThere

throw him back OP. I would understand if you were not living together but you are.

Mummys boy? They never end well in relationships, you will always come 2nd!

Spending Christmas with his family (not just his "mummy") hardly makes someone a "mummy's boy" ffs

OP you'd be silly to take this posters advice and dump him over this.........imo

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/12/2021 15:30

I also think if you're living with someone for two years, and they just refuse to discuss their Christmas plans where they go off for a week's holiday with parents is a problem.
If he discussed it and explained why it would be easier for her to come to terms with it and it would help OP gauge if he intended things to remain that way in the future or not. AT the moment she feels excluded, which is not great way to feel. Perhaps its the way he's gone about it and spoken about it that makes her feel that way.
I don't think its needy for her to speak up and voice how she feels. Why should she shut up about it to keep everyone approving of her acceptance of the situation. If her partner finds her speaking up, voicing what she wants annoying, and won't discuss that's a problem.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/12/2021 15:36

It’s odd you aren’t invited if you live together. Do his parents know you exist and live together? Could he be married?
If you aren’t happy then have a serious conversation. I suspect he sees you as a girlfriend he’s dating and you see him more as a partner.

ivykaty44 · 10/12/2021 15:51

It would be a deal breaker for me, id expect us to be doing holiday festive stuff together, especially if we lived together and had been for 2 years

what other do is up to them but I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement

Pipsquiggle · 10/12/2021 16:17

@ivykaty44 - they've been going out for 'nearly 2 years' - not sure how long they have lived together.

OP - actually how long have you lived together? Could they have booked the family holiday before you moved in together?

Ginger1982 · 11/12/2021 15:20

I find that weird. From the first year DH and I started dating, we saw both our families on Christmas Day together. Once we got married we took over hosting and combined our parents then see DH's siblings on other days.

Pickle0901 · 11/12/2021 18:00

@eem12345 hi OP,
I think the most frustrating thing is when someone won't communicate, so I understand why you're upset. If he explained his position and why you're not invited then you could accept (or not) and move on.
I disagree with all of the comments about 2 years being too soon and it being needy. I don't think timescales in relationships mean anything.
I've had really long relationships that haven't been a patch on my more recent one and they don't even compare, so I think it's silly to state a time.
I also don't think it's needy, when you live with someone, why would you not want to be together for the celebrations and fun of Christmas. It makes total sense.
I've been in a similar situation and all I'll say is once I understood why, I was actually accepting of it, but it was the feeling neglected and second best that hurt...

I really hope he talks to you and gives you the communication you deserve.

I'm surprised to be honest that his family wouldn't invite you, as they obviously know you live together. I guess you need clarity on a few things so you can feel better.

Hope you manage to gain clarity so you can enjoy it (whichever way it goes). Go with your gut

Lovenahla · 11/12/2021 21:53

Had the same issue and it caused part of the breakup worse thing he lived with me and my mum passed so usually alone Xmas.
He was selfish so was his family who I hated.

ememem12345 · 12/12/2021 20:40

Hi everyone,
thank you for all of your comments.
I've since talked to my OH about it without frankly stating that I'm upset and he's told me that the apartment is booked 2-3 years in advance, so this means the apartment (which only fits the family members in and no more) is booked until 2024. So I'm not really sure what to say as I don't want this situation until then..
Thanks everyone

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2021 20:43

Nearly every couple I know who don't have kids spend Christmas day separately with their own families then meet up boxing day

DedalusBloom · 12/12/2021 21:01

Well first of all name change fail OP !

Secondly they would have had to have booked that before you even got together by the sounds of it.

Have a conversation in the new year about your expectations of him as a partner and what you'd like to do with your holiday time together in the future.

Unfortunately if the family are booked up till 2024 then it will be difficult to make changes - although there must be some wiggle room with bookings made that far in advance?

Alternatively agree to book separate accommodation nearby for yourself next year if the apartment can't hold more than the immediate family. In my experience it's easier to work round an existing format than trying to build a completely new way of doing things, especially where families are concerned.

So a "yay I can join you next year and you don't have to change anything about your booking!" is easier to navigate than "please stop doing a tradition you've done for years and start a new one so I can join in"

I'm not saying it's right, but it might be a pick your battles situation.

ChampagneLassie · 12/12/2021 21:12

Wow - they've got plans till 2024? This sounds very...ridged. What happened last year during covid? What if someone has covid this year? What if you had covid and needed him to stay and nurse you? I think you need to have a conversation about what this relationship means to each of you more generally and where your priorities lie.

Pipsquiggle · 12/12/2021 21:44

@ememem12345

I used to work in the travel industry and in popular places in particular residences in Christmas week - this kind of booking years in advance does happen.

You can't do anything this year but his family can't keep going to this place indefinitely particularly if your OH and his siblings want to bring or stay with their partners

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/12/2021 23:29

So he will be spending Christmas with his family without inviting you until 2025 at the earliest.

Tell him to fuck right off!

Seriously - don't waste your time on someone who isn't worthy of you

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 12/12/2021 23:51

I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to spend Christmas, but it needs to be something which you are both happy with. Maybe it’s just indicative of you not being very well suited?

DH and I have spent every Christmas together since we met, our first was 8 months after we got together. We see our families on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day…. it was the same before marriage and kids as it is now. But that’s how we both wanted it to be.

Sakura7 · 12/12/2021 23:54

It's only two years! I wouldn't expect to spend Christmas together that soon.

Among my group of friends, nobody spent Christmas with their partners until they were married or until kids came along. In some cases that was ten years in!