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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Dearblossom · 09/12/2021 12:30

Do you spend time with his family the rest of the year?

MegSpace · 09/12/2021 12:32

Even after our wedding, Me and DH didn't spent Xmas Dinner together until after the kids arrived.

I really wouldn't read too much into it unless it leaves you alone on Christmas as in that scenario it would be unreasonable not to stay with you or extend the invite to his family gathering.

galacticpixels · 09/12/2021 12:33

Really what matters if how this makes you feel, not what people who think 2 year long relationships (where you live together!) aren't serious think. My partner and I started spending Christmas and alternating between families at our second Christmas together. I would have been really upset if he'd gone on holidays for a week instead.

I don't think being disappointed that you can't see your partner for an entire week at Christmas makes someone clingy.

Lollypop701 · 09/12/2021 12:33

I’d be upset …he wants to spend it with his family and you are definitely not invited. If not after 2 years and living together, which suggests you are planning a future together, then when? When you are married? Or is is only ever going to be’blood’ family so he’ll want to take kids but not you? I’m being dramatic on last point but you don’t actually know what he’s thinking. The ignoring your suggestion to go with him means you don’t understand why… not on. A relationship is all about communication. So if he won’t discuss, explain his thoughts, I’d be considering the future of this relationship. Not because of Christmas per se, but the lack of discussion and compromise this early would be a deal breaker for me

Grida · 09/12/2021 12:36

My DH and I never spent Christmas together until we had our own children. Both of us preferred to spend it with our own parents rather than with the in-laws (even though we all get on really well). Christmas can be quite a chore as you get older. Don’t bring that on sooner than you have to.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/12/2021 12:39

Sorry but after 2 years you're not even invited away with him?

I get that you'd maybe not be invited over, but you live together (so are committed enough for that) and presumably another 2-3 years down the line marriage and kids might be on the cards?

I'd be concerned that he was into me but not into me enough to want to invite me away with his family for Christmas. If he was really into you he'd be inviting you away with them, especially at the 2 years onwards stage and he would want to be spending time with you as well as them.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/12/2021 12:40

So you've only spent at the very most 2 Christmases as a couple so far actually only 1.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/12/2021 12:41

Just out of interest OP, can't see from your replies, is he invited to spend part of Christmas with your family or don't you do spend Christmas with your family?

I can see very much though how/why you'd feel left out. Especially at 2 year marker.

Stade197 · 09/12/2021 12:43

Me and my boyfriend have never spent xmas day together, we see our own families. This year will be our first together as we have a baby now.

2 years isn't alot of time so I would leave him to go on his holiday with his family this year and suggest to him that next christmas you go along with him and his family

Coffeepot72 · 09/12/2021 12:44

If you have been together 2 years and are living together, then I think spending Christmas together is a given, unless you mutually agree otherwise?

DH and I were married after three years together and of course we spend Christmas together!

phishy · 09/12/2021 12:45

He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well.

I don't think it's fair to force a boyfriend or girlfriend to spend every other Christmas with you.

Who pays for the Christmas abroad, him or his parents? If my parents paid for a week away, I wouldn't want to give that up for spending Christmas with a friend?

Would you be able to pay for your flight/stay or would you expect his parents to pay for you as well?

Marimaur · 09/12/2021 12:46

I didn't spend christmas with my now husband for the first couple of years, we lived together too.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/12/2021 12:46

You haven't even been together 2 years yet, it's not a long time. You'll have plenty of Christmas Days in the future to spend together - or maybe not if you're that clingy that you kick up a fuss about him not spending christmas with you not even 2 years in.

phishy · 09/12/2021 12:47

*with a boyfriend, not friend

Coffeepot72 · 09/12/2021 12:51

OP, don’t forget that on MN you are supposed to be the Cool Girlfriend, anyone asking for a committed relationship is accused of being clingy …

TheNinny · 09/12/2021 12:52

I think it’s weird to be essentially acting single when you are living together, and presumably are a unit now. There are those to spend Xmas separately even while married or living together but this is weird imo. I don’t know anyone in real life who does this. For ‘family tradition’ to be so insular is strange. Can they not except family members circumstances change? Living together is a fairly big deal and not acknowledging it or extending invite is odd. And dating 2 years exclusively is long enough to be’allowed’ into family traditions. I would want the person I love most in the world to be part of any tradition I have

MadgeMak · 09/12/2021 12:53

We did separate christmases up until we had kids, despite living together for a couple of years prior to that. That was fine for us. If this isn't ok for you, OP, then perhaps you are not compatible.

JammyRedRooo · 09/12/2021 12:57

I would be upset at this too - my in laws had made me feel like part of the family by two years in, I'd definitely be put out if they wanted to exclude me from christmas. I'm not the slightest bit clingy either, we both have our own lives but Christmas is a time for your loved ones and I very much included my DH in that even after 'only' 2 years.

Be very direct and ask why he doesn't want you to come away with them. Explain its important to you and how hurt you would feel if you were sidelined every Christmas.

Weirdlynormal · 09/12/2021 12:58

You're a housemate, not his life partner

CantGetDecentNickname · 09/12/2021 12:58

As a PP has said upthread

I would make it clear to him that you're taking it as a clear sign that he sees your relationship as fairly casual... so you will be doing the same.

If it was me, I'd pack my bags and go and stay with my own family for the duration that he is away and beyond. I probably wouldn't bother putting up any decorations or a tree in my own place as not going to be there. I would return on Sunday 2nd January if working on Monday 3rd. If he can bugger off on holiday and leave you to Christmas by yourself, then you can leave him to the New Year by himself. He is expecting you to be available to pick up and drop when it suits him and I wouldn't be around for this. I would also be arranging summer holidays either with my family or be going away with the girls and not bothering to mention it to him.

It looks as though he is happy to enjoy living with you, but not treating you as an actual partner. Please view the relationship as casual as this is what he is doing. Don't commit more than a fair share of money in your place and make sure you will be able to cope financially should it come to an end. Also please don't ever apologise for doing what suits you; he doesn't. He needs to see that you are not a doormat who will always be waiting at home for him, but a person who is independent with a life of their own and doesn't "need" to have him around. The fact that you are not clingy and can walk away if it suits you may make him wake up a little.

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2021 12:59

I didn't spend Christmas with my OH now DH until we'd been going out for more than 4 years and we lived together as well

So essentially they go on holiday together over Christmas - does he have siblings? Do their OH's go on this holiday?

It's quite full on to go on the family holiday when you haven't been going out for that long. My guess is that if you get engaged / you are 'the one', you will be invited on this family tradition.

I guess you need to work out whether this is a deal breaker - not really for this year but ongoing. You've been going out for a while but not that long.
Does his family welcome you on other occasions / are they nice to you?

VikingOnTheFridge · 09/12/2021 13:05

At 2 years in, twentysomething, living together but not married or DC yet it's a borderline one.

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2021 13:05

Yes @phishy - good point

who pays for this holiday?

shiningstar2 · 09/12/2021 13:06

Where is this dynamic coming from op? What are his s parents like? If , for example, if you suggested directly to o his mother that you came along what do you think the reaction would be? To me it's either the family or he himself is telling them you don't want to come.

Elodeastar · 09/12/2021 13:11

It might seem hard OP, but the fact that he loves spending time with his family is actual a positive, imho anyway! You have not been together that long, maybe he would prefer you wait a little while and either invite you along too, come to your family, or, as you seem to suggest, alternate it. Make sure you do stuff together on the run up to Christmas and after. I think those who are telling you that 'you should come first' just now maybe need to see this as less of a competition - not saying you are doing that, but there are a few posts that are! I hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you do. :)