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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
334bu · 09/12/2021 13:54

He obviously doesn't see you as a partner, just a flatmate with benefits. Do his siblings' "partners" stay at home or are they invited?

Chikapu · 09/12/2021 13:58

@thegrassisalwaysgreener

I think 2 years is quite soon to be spending Christmas together. DH and I only really started alternating christmases between families when we moved in together after 5 years together. Maybe he just thinks it's too soon?
Too soon when they live together? How bizarre.
thedefinitionofmadness · 09/12/2021 14:00

What other people did or didn't - and were happy with (and even then it is exception that proves the rule territory) - is irrelevant

OP isn't happy and he won't even discuss it

itsnotrugby · 09/12/2021 14:03

DH and I only started spending xmas together when we got married and had our DC (7 years after we started going out). He would spend xmas with his family, I would spend it with mine and then we had NYE together. We were both really happy with that arrangement.
I was in my 20s at the time if that makes any difference.

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/12/2021 14:06

@itsnotrugby

DH and I only started spending xmas together when we got married and had our DC (7 years after we started going out). He would spend xmas with his family, I would spend it with mine and then we had NYE together. We were both really happy with that arrangement. I was in my 20s at the time if that makes any difference.
Here's the difference "we were both really happy about that arrangement". OP isn't.
Nanny0gg · 09/12/2021 14:06

@itsnotrugby

DH and I only started spending xmas together when we got married and had our DC (7 years after we started going out). He would spend xmas with his family, I would spend it with mine and then we had NYE together. We were both really happy with that arrangement. I was in my 20s at the time if that makes any difference.
And you were happy about it!

The OP is not

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2021 14:07

OP, do partners go?
How well do you know his family

The part that concerns me is that he doesn't talk about it

diddl · 09/12/2021 14:15

So they live together & Op is supposed to do what-wake up alone on Christmas Day?

It probably does depend on when it was booked/how long they had been living together at that point/if other partners go.

FatBettyintheCoop · 09/12/2021 14:19

I understand that young adults like to keep their Christmas family traditions as they’re growing up BUT …the fact that you’re living together as a couple and he won’t even allow discussion of different options for spending the Christmas period is what’s very bizarre here.

I think you need to review the relationship and ask yourself if he is the right person for you?

Someone who won’t even listen let alone consider other perspectives is not great partnership material at all. I’d honestly dump him.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/12/2021 14:22

When you say you live together, what's the situation? Did you buy or rent a house/flat together or did one of your move into the others house, or do one of you just stay at the others house a lot?

Rade · 09/12/2021 14:23

It's a bit soon I think.
What about your own family - won't you be going there?

I have adult DC in their 20s. While I would welcome their partners I haven't actually invited them because I know they have their own families and I wouldn't want to overstep the mark.
I have invited them over the weekend before Christmas.

Enough4me · 09/12/2021 14:26

Boyfriend, do you mean exBF, as he isn't bothered to be with you? Wink
Have a couple months off, look around and next Christmas you could be happily single or happily seeing someone else!

ShaneTheThird · 09/12/2021 14:26

@megustalacerveza

I never understand how so many people are so needy. You live together all the time and you can't let him go and have xmas with his family? I will never understand such a clingy mindset. I'm in my mid thirties and have always gone to my own family for xmas, even when living with a partner.

The only way he would be unreasonable would be if you'd otherwise be on your own for Christmas. That would be mean. If you have your own family to go to, why can't you just do that?

Jfc it's not needy or clingy. Christmas is literally a time to spend with loved ones and that includes the person you have chosen to live with and share your life with.
toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2021 14:27

Do there partners go on this holiday?

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/12/2021 14:27

If he was just at home and didn't want to see you I'd find it weird, but if his family have this thing of going away for a week then I get it. If you went it would probably change the dynamic.

I don't think alternating Christmas between families and "making it fair" is really a thing until you have children. In a way it's fair now. You're with your family, he's with his. I'd wait until there's more of a commitment and you're closer to his family before you make a thing of this. Ask yourself whether you might just be miffed that you're not going on a bonus holiday!

Crunchymum · 09/12/2021 14:28

Have you met his family? What is your relationship with them like?

Are you excluded from all family events (birthdays etc) or is it just Xmas?

Do any of the siblings have partners or kids?

todaysdilemma · 09/12/2021 14:29

@Batshitkerazy

Why are there always a competition on mumsnet of who took their relationship the slowest? “Oh it’s ONLY been 2 years, you barely know them”. I find it so bizarre and certainly not how things are in the real world, in my circle anyway

We spent Christmas together after 6 months and have alternated since, it would be really strange not to! We live together and are in a committed long term relationship, my family would be very confused if I spent it with them instead of him!

So no OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable

Agree with this wholeheartedly. Some people just do everything a lot slower, and there is absolutely no scientific or psychological reason a relationship that needed years to settle is stronger than one that doesn't.

OP, I have always been invited to every partner's Xmas-es even when I chose to not go. The same way the invitation was always open at my parents. And I've never had a relationship where we didn't spend at least a few days of the Xmas period together unless someone needed to travel home which was abroad - in fact I don't know of anyone in my entire social circle who just refuses to invite a live-in partner along or spends the entire period apart. If he's happy to share a house and finances, you are his family too.

However, he may have valid reason, BUT it is concerning that he won't even talk about it or explain why. Why not just have an open conversation about it. The getting annoyed and shutting it down would pi55 me off because he's not treating your concerns seriously - even if just to allay your fears. And would also make me question WHY you're never invited. Can you just point blank ask him if he'd ever be spending Xmas with you, or is it just assumed that for the rest of your life, it'll be spent separately?

TheCraicDealer · 09/12/2021 14:30

Unless you're literally going to be on your own otherwise, or you have a complicated relationship with your own family which means Xmas with them isn't exactly a delight, I'd say YABU.

As someone else pointed out, this holiday was probably booked months ago. It's a longstanding family tradition; presumably the BF and his siblings have had a partner over Xmas previously and yet they have chosen to keep it 'family only', perhaps because his parents are paying. As you've got together over COVID I would assume that you haven't had much chance to really get to know his family, and they may baulk at spending an extended period with someone they don't know that well. It changes the dynamic of the trip, which they all clearly value the way it is.

That being said I do not think you're being unreasonable to expect a frank discussion about future Xmas plans. DH and I were apart for our first nine Christmases, but we had agreed that once kids came along we would start alternating.

EerieSilence · 09/12/2021 14:35

He could at least suggest it.
Looks like not even after two years his family consider you a serious partner and neither does he.

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 14:43

Why are there always a competition on mumsnet of who took their relationship the slowest? “Oh it’s ONLY been 2 years, you barely know them”. I find it so bizarre and certainly not how things are in the real world, in my circle anyway

Totally agree. In my two very long term relationships we were pretty inseparable within a few weeks and I think when you are with 'the one' that's usually the case.

Of course some people think everyone is 'the one' and throw themselves fully into every bloke that ever comes along, but for most us, we know the difference.

Having established that you love him/her and they love you back, it's pretty normal to want to spend major events like Christmas together. Unless there are logistical issues that make that very difficult I don't think it's weird in the slightest to expect to be together.

My three young adult DCs all have relationships that are less than 2 years old but they all live with their partners. They are doing a mix of spending Christmas Day together or not, depending on their own personal circumstances, logistical factors, work commitments etc, but at no point is there a suggestion that the relationship isn't serious or permanent enough to warrant being together if it were possible. In each of those situations I think my DC would have been invited to go on holiday with their partner's family and if they couldn't, then fair enough, but the option was there.

Likewise DH and I wouldn't dream of inviting our DC to any holiday or big family thing and not extending the invitation to their GFs/BFs. Whether they came or not, is not the point.

Wnikat · 09/12/2021 14:46

Didn't spend Christmas with my husband until we had kids...

PrincessNutella · 09/12/2021 14:51

OP, this is a very helpful Christmas present, wrapped in a bow. The best Christmas present you need to help you have a wonderful future. I know, you're looking inside the box and you're puzzled. There's nothing in it. What kind of fucking present is this? you're wondering.
I'll tell you.
It's a present without this useless man in it.
A present where you can find someone who loves you so much that he is proud to share holidays with you.
A present where you never have to ask this kind of question again.
XOXO

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 14:56

I think the issue here is what is the OP doing, if not being with her boyfriend? Obviously if she has no family, or they are in Australia or whatever, then that makes a huge difference to whether it's unreasonable or not for the BF to go off on holiday over Christmas without her, or to not invite her along. But as she hasn't come back to the thread for a while I guess we'll never know.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/12/2021 14:59

Its hard to say when we don't know if you've met his family before or not.
Its clear you'd like to be with the man you live with over Christmas after two years its odd that he won't discuss it.
I think he should give you a reason why he hasn't asked them to include you, even if that reason is just that its too soon and although people say its only a week, its actually quite a difficult week to be on your own ( unless you are going to your family or could take off on a holiday of your own (difficult at this time with Covid etc)
I would be having a serious discussion with him about this and considering based on the results of that discussion whether this situation will be continuing and if that would work for you in the long run.

ememem12345 · 09/12/2021 15:04

Thanks everyone for all of your comments its really helpful.

His parents pay for the apartment for everyone and then my BF pays for his flight/ spends etc and I'd expect to pay for myself but the conversation has never got that far. I suppose I hadn't thought that this might be the reason but maybe you're right. And his siblings are younger so don't have BF/GF to bring yet so I suppose we're the guinea pigs.

I think you're right maybe the issue is we haven't talked about it as he is unwilling to which is probably the biggest issue.

Also when I say its upset me that he's going away for a week over Xmas its not that he's going away that doesn't bother me and any other week of the year I really wouldn't be bothered, its the fact that he hasn't thought to include me in his Xmas celebrations. Even if he suggested that I could fly out on Boxing Day I would have been happy with that but he's just said bye I'm leaving on 23rd and coming back 29th!

Thanks again