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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

213 replies

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 10:49

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Chloemol · 09/12/2021 15:08

Sounds sad to me that you are living together, but he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Do his siblings have partners? Do they go or stay behind?

I would start arranging weekends away with friends, and not him, I would arrange family holidays and not include him. What’s good enough for him is good enough for you

Retain your independence

Buy you also need to think about the future, what happens if you have kids? Will he still go away with his parents and leave you all behind?

thamesriviera · 09/12/2021 15:13

if this bothers you, then you're not compatible and should move on from this relationship.

Doesn't matter what other people in similar situations do, the fact he keeps you at arms length over christmas when you want to spend it with him, means you're not on the same life path.

Move on.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 09/12/2021 15:19

Not inviting you may or may not indicate a lack of commitment, but taking you would not necessarily indicate commitment.

I have a relative who shows up for Christmas with a different plus-one every year.

1forAll74 · 09/12/2021 15:19

I think he should be able to do what he wishes, without being curtailed in any way. It's not the end of the world,if he want's to keep up with some family traditions.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/12/2021 15:25

I'd be using the time constructively

Packing for example

Bookworm20 · 09/12/2021 15:48

@ememem12345

Thanks everyone for all of your comments its really helpful.

His parents pay for the apartment for everyone and then my BF pays for his flight/ spends etc and I'd expect to pay for myself but the conversation has never got that far. I suppose I hadn't thought that this might be the reason but maybe you're right. And his siblings are younger so don't have BF/GF to bring yet so I suppose we're the guinea pigs.

I think you're right maybe the issue is we haven't talked about it as he is unwilling to which is probably the biggest issue.

Also when I say its upset me that he's going away for a week over Xmas its not that he's going away that doesn't bother me and any other week of the year I really wouldn't be bothered, its the fact that he hasn't thought to include me in his Xmas celebrations. Even if he suggested that I could fly out on Boxing Day I would have been happy with that but he's just said bye I'm leaving on 23rd and coming back 29th!

Thanks again

I do find it odd that as you are living together he is not including you in his xmas plans at all!

And 2 years is not too soon to start spending xmas together.Confused

I can't imagine any scenario in the future where one of my dc is living with someone and we go away for xmas and do not invite their partner. In fact we'd likely invite them even if they were not living together if it was a serious relationship.
And if it was a regular xmas thing to be honest once they were living with someone/in a serious relationship i'd expect them not to want to come and spend it with their partner.

I mean at what point will he decide he isn't buggering off for the entire xmas with them each year? It definitely needs a discussion.

Is he definitely going? I'd be rethinking everything if I were you. He obviously isn't bothered that the person he is supposed to love the most is going to be waking up over the entire xmas period alone. And the fact he won't even discuss it. He must realise how crap that is of him surely?

For him to even consider going at all is really shit. For him/his family to then not even invite you is even worse.

Ourlady · 09/12/2021 15:55

Its the fact that he won't even discuss it which is the problem. He needs to grow up and have an adult conversation about it. You're obviously upset about it.

ravenmum · 09/12/2021 16:02

I think you're right maybe the issue is we haven't talked about it as he is unwilling to which is probably the biggest issue
It really is. When else has he got annoyed about you?

Nevermakeit · 09/12/2021 16:16

My DH and I spent Xmas apart for 10 years - we only stopped when we had the DC. It's only been 2 years, that's really not that long.

I was happy with my parents, he with his - and we saw each other for the 364 other days of the year, so what's the problem?
Definitely wouldn't force it, or you will come across and needy and annoying (and both he and his family will resent you - not great for the future).

Suprima · 09/12/2021 16:18

@eem12345

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone
In my deadend student relationship that lasted too long, I refused to do Christmas because I didn’t see him as my future, and didn’t want to forgo any Christmases without my family for him.

As soon as I met OH, we were christmassing from the first year.

Is he doing anything else that makes you think he is not committed to you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2021 16:28

This man is not a keeper @eem12345. He certainly doesn't see you as his future. I'd be rethinking what I want from life. It really shouldn't be thisSad.

Laiste · 09/12/2021 17:07

Sorry if this has been asked already, but

Have you met the parents and siblings OP?

Were they friendly/welcoming?

Poppingmad123 · 09/12/2021 17:19

I agree with @Pedalpushers and all that have said don’t be clingy. But I am interested in what reason he’s given you?

Could it be just that it would change the dynamics bringing you along and he wants to simply spend one day with his family and the way they’ve always done it?

May also indicates he’s not fully ready to settle and commit, which is fine if you’re young and in newish relationship, 2 years is not that long but why not have the talk and ask him if he sees a future? That will give you a better idea if it’s worth sticking at this one or not. Hopefully it is but listen to your gut.

Funnylittlefloozie · 09/12/2021 17:20

I do find it a bit odd that grown adults in relationships feel the need to scurry back to mummy and daddy at Christmas and not be with their actual partners, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.

It was never an issue for DP and me - he has been rostered to work at least part of every Christmas Day since we met, and for most of the last 25 years! So, he has no tradition of spending the big day with his family, and has just come to me. I'd love to do a huge family Christmas lunch, with all the in-laws and outlaws, but I can't see it happening until DP retires or gets lucky on the shift pattern.

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2021 17:25

Have you discussed possibly having children in the future?
If that's something you talk about, it's an excellent time to bring up Christmas. If you have a child, what will his Christmas plans be then.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 09/12/2021 17:35

I do find it a bit odd that grown adults in relationships feel the need to scurry back to mummy and daddy at Christmas and not be with their actual partners, but different strokes for different folks, as they say.

I do find it a bit odd that people say tolerant-sounding things like ’different strokes’ when they’ve chosen snide and patronising terms to refer to those who do things differently to them.

OkThenJustChill · 09/12/2021 17:37

Woah. I can't believe there are people saying LTB! I didn't spend a Christmas at my in laws until I was 8 years into my relationship and engaged. I met my DH when I was 18, and I wanted a few more just with my own family. We naturally enjoyed being around our own families at Christmas, and we knew that we would have many more together in the future. Now that I'm in my 30s and we have DC together it is of course an entirely different kettle of fish. I look back on those Christmas days fondly but I also look forward to all the children orientated ones to come.

It really isn't the end of the world that he wants to spend a few more Christmas days with his own family.

Chikapu · 09/12/2021 18:32

How on earth is it clingy to want to spend Christmas with the person you live with?

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2021 18:32

@OkThenJustChill

Woah. I can't believe there are people saying LTB! I didn't spend a Christmas at my in laws until I was 8 years into my relationship and engaged. I met my DH when I was 18, and I wanted a few more just with my own family. We naturally enjoyed being around our own families at Christmas, and we knew that we would have many more together in the future. Now that I'm in my 30s and we have DC together it is of course an entirely different kettle of fish. I look back on those Christmas days fondly but I also look forward to all the children orientated ones to come.

It really isn't the end of the world that he wants to spend a few more Christmas days with his own family.

But that was you.

The OP feels differently

OkThenJustChill · 09/12/2021 18:42

@Nanny0gg But her partner feels the same way as me and I was sharing the reasoning. It was no reflection on my DH. It is unlikely a reflection on her. He probably just wants to spend quality time with his family. Dynamics are different when partners come along.

There isn't really a compromise here. OP either needs to accept it, demand that her DP spend the day with her or leave. It just seems a bit silly to me that people see spending Christmas with a partner of 2 years as an expectation. It seems like an odd reason to break up.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 09/12/2021 18:46

If you live together then I'm going to hazard a guess that he sees you A LOT more than he sees his family. So I can see why he'd want to spend it with them if they're close.

I'd let it slide this year.

arlodumbledog · 09/12/2021 18:57

you seem a bit controlling, I’m not surprised

Dogmummy1980 · 09/12/2021 19:04

Whaaatttt??

Are his siblings married/in relationships? Are their partners going?

Have you even been invited?

I get that you would want rotation and to see your family too but if you’ve just fully been blocked out of it then it might be time to readdress this relationship

laudete · 09/12/2021 19:38

His parents pay for the apartment for everyone and then my BF pays for his flight/ spends etc and I'd expect to pay for myself but the conversation has never got that far. I suppose I hadn't thought that this might be the reason but maybe you're right. And his siblings are younger so don't have BF/GF to bring yet so I suppose we're the guinea pigs.

I think it is highly relevant that his siblings are younger than him. This is a nuclear family event that his parents have planned for some time. It is not something that your BF can alter on the fly; it is an event that he agreed to attend a while back, under the circumstances back then - perhaps as far back as a year if this is a booked vacation. (A year ago, you were a GF that their eldest had been dating for one year.)

Next year, you will be comfortably into "long-term relationship" territory and his parents will likely be considering the implications for the future. I'd expect they will make inquiries about you joining family events in the future, as their mindset switches from GF to potential DIL - unless there is a significant age gap and they need to preserve some childish traditions for the younger kids eg if the siblings are still school-age rather than 20s and holidays are still filled with Santa grottos and Halloween pumpkin patches, etc. Although, if that is the case, you can always tell them you're happy to babysit and/or attend kid-friendly events.

Catrina123 · 09/12/2021 20:02

My now husband and I didn't spend Christmas together until we were a good few years (maybe 5+) into our relationship. We lived together so saw each other all the time and we both liked spending time with our families and catching up with old friends doing our usual Xmas family stuff and only a few days, so don't see it as a problem especially after just 2 years. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you need to do everything together.