Page 2 | Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

Constellationstation · 09/12/2021 11:19

I don’t think it’s been long enough to really worry about that yet. Let him have Christmas with his family and you see yours. I don’t think it’s a deal breaker.

choosername1234 · 09/12/2021 11:22

Are any of his siblings married? Or do they bring partners to their family Christmas?

1940s · 09/12/2021 11:22

At 26 and 28 and having been together less than two years I think it's pretty normal to Christmas apart.

You (may) have years of alternating chrostmasses and honestly it's all a bit of a faff. Most people instinctively want to have Christmas with their specific traditions/ family etc. so just roll with it for now. Make time over the Christmas time to make your own memories and traditions but I don't think you should see this as a massive red flag yet.

sunshineandshowers40 · 09/12/2021 11:23

Lots of people don't do alternate Christmases until they are either married or have children. This wouldn't really bother me. Have you met his family?

lastqueenofscotland · 09/12/2021 11:23

Me and my DP spend Christmas Day with our own families.
His family are huge - parents divorced and remarried so goes to see four sets of cousins, four sets of grandparents, etc etc Id find it totally overwhelming.

My family xmases are me my mum and siblings which I like but he’d find dull.

My parents saw their own parents at Christmas until they had children

Wopies · 09/12/2021 11:24

I think it's fine to spend Xmas apart until you have children. Do you spend time with his family at other times of the year?

purplehairlady · 09/12/2021 11:26

@eem12345

Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

Didn't with my OH until we were married. Don't see the big deal - enjoy Christmas with your family!

Original poster

eem12345 · 09/12/2021 11:26

Thanks everyone- I think what I'm most upset about is the fact that they actually go away for it so I won't see him from 23rd-29th December. If he just wanted to spend Xmas Day with his family and then maybe we had Xmas Eve or Boxing Day together it wouldn't be so bad but it just feels like I'm cut out of the whole period!

OP posts:

Snoozer11 · 09/12/2021 11:26

I know couples who've been together for years who spend Christmas apart and with their own families.

Their first Christmas together was when they married.

I don't think it's the most outrageous thing, as long as you're not left spending the day alone.

purplehairlady · 09/12/2021 11:27

@eem12345

Thanks everyone really appreciate all your comments. *@Phrowzunn* we are 26 and 28

Even more so at your age. Enjoy 100% with your family until you have to. I'm sure you'll survive 5 days without him! really not v long...

Ohbotherpiglet · 09/12/2021 11:31

I think the difference is she WANTs to though. My partner and I had only been together 4 months when he invited me to his family Christmas. We were younger than the op is now. I went because my family was a bit dysfunctional and didn’t “do” Christmas. I was worried it would be awkward but actually it was a lovely welcome into their family.

2me2u2u2me · 09/12/2021 11:31

I'm shocked at what a lot of people are saying here in that you've only been together two years and you should let him go off and leave you for his family.

If you are living together, you are committed, however little time it is and I think there's nothing wrong with alternating.

A day with this family then maybe, however, if my son was living with someone I would not exclude her, especially at Christmas, I think that's awful of his family.

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/12/2021 11:32

My DH and I were at a very similar stage to you both at those ages. Together a couple of years, living together erc. Separate Xmas with our own families with new year celebrations together with friends.

We didn't spend Christmas Day together until we got married, 8 years into the relationship. But by that point, I would spend Christmas Day with my side and then head down to see DH and his family in Boxing Day.

The key here is that we were both happy with the situation. You are not.

With you DP and the family holiday, how long does he go away for?

ErickBroch · 09/12/2021 11:32

As you live together I find it very strange that you aren't invited, I would find that concerning to be honest. I love Christmas with my family and won't give it up, but my partner is always invited too and we see both families.

Eddielzzard · 09/12/2021 11:33

That's shit. You do LIVE together. I would feel the same.

2me2u2u2me · 09/12/2021 11:33

PS (admin you need an edit button) I would also be questioning my BF as to why he doesn't want to take you and include you in the celebrations with his family.

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 09/12/2021 11:34

Run your relationship how you want to. If you want to spend Xmas with him then I'd suggest that after 2 years together he's not seeing this relationship in the same light that you do. Certainly after 2 years together I'd want Xmas with my boyfriend. I fell madly in love with my husband age 21 and he was 18. We were engaged in less than a year and married with in 4. We've spent all out free time together ever since and now been together nearly 25yrs. That wouldn't work for some people and does for us.
I'd had a frank conversation with the boyfriend and ask him why exactly he doesn't want to spend Xmas with you (as you do with him) - either together on your own, split between the two families or with just one family. See what he says and let him know how it makes you feel. The key to a good relationship is communication.

megustalacerveza · 09/12/2021 11:34

@eem12345

Thanks everyone- I think what I'm most upset about is the fact that they actually go away for it so I won't see him from 23rd-29th December. If he just wanted to spend Xmas Day with his family and then maybe we had Xmas Eve or Boxing Day together it wouldn't be so bad but it just feels like I'm cut out of the whole period!

In the nicest possible way, it's less than a week. Worrying about being apart for under a week seems like a very unhealthy level of attachment. What about if he went away backpacking for a month somewhere? Or working in a different city?

You haven't mentioned New Year - will you be spending that together? If so, it definitely counts as part of the 'Christmas period'.

CagneyNYPD1 · 09/12/2021 11:37

Just seen your update about the whole week. Yes, you are not a part of his plans at all. Hmmm.

It is a bit too late to do anything about the holiday this year. But I think there does need to be some conversations about how this would work in the future. He also needs to take the bull by the horn and have this discussion with his family. If he refuses to, then I think a frank discussion about your future together is needed.

taylorwilde · 09/12/2021 11:40

DH and I didn't spend Christmas together until after we were married (and together 5 years). 2 years could be considered too soon.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 09/12/2021 11:41

I'm surprised some are suggesting you are being silly expecting to spend Xmas with him.

They live together! So in normal circumstances that's a full proper relationship therefore it would be strange not to include each other in Xmas plans.

It's not going to improve OP I am afraid. I'd feel as disappointed as you and would be carefully rethinking my future with him.

The good thing is you're young and haven't spent years and years with this. Cut your losses now IMO.

FortunesFave · 09/12/2021 11:42

@eem12345

Thanks everyone- I think what I'm most upset about is the fact that they actually go away for it so I won't see him from 23rd-29th December. If he just wanted to spend Xmas Day with his family and then maybe we had Xmas Eve or Boxing Day together it wouldn't be so bad but it just feels like I'm cut out of the whole period!

That's no time at all...it's what? less than a bloody week! Op you sound clingy as hell.

Constellationstation · 09/12/2021 11:44

I would assume that the issue isn’t with you coming along, but it’s the fact that you want to start alternating Christmases. So if you go with him this year he’s committing to not going away with his family next year and spending Christmas with you and your family. It sounds like his family make a big deal out of Christmas so perhaps he’s not ready for that yet. You’ve got plenty of time and if you have children then there’ll be more of a need to start sharing family Christmases.

honeylulu · 09/12/2021 11:44

Two years is borderline "too early" for a partner rather than family Christmases. By three years, especially if you are living together, your unease might be more justified, particularly if he says he never plans to change this. When I met my husband we had separate family Christmases the first two years and then started alternating by the third one (we were engaged by then). However even before that we would spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day together and wake up together on Christmas Day and exchange presents/have a nice breakfast.

My previous partner was a big man-baby. We were together across three Christmases and they were all separate even though we lived together the rest of the time. I wasn't too bothered to be honest but by the third year I did lightheartedly probe if he ever thought he would do Christmas differently in the future. He was adamant that he would always go to his parents and what was more, no one else would be welcome. Well that was me told!

After we split we saw each other occasionally as had friends in common. Once I was chatting to him at a November wedding and he was moaning that his parents had invited his brother's pregnant girlfriend to join them for Christmas and he didn't want her to come! He is married now himself with a child so I suppose he must have modified his views but who knows? I wonder what he thought he would do once his parents were dead and gone?

Chely · 09/12/2021 11:48

2 years in, he buggers off and you're not invited to join. Yeah, I'd be buggering off while he's gone.