Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas together

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Hi everyone I wasn't sure whether to post this but I've been feeling a bit upset about it...ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we live together and its an amazing relationship. But whenever I bring up spending Christmas together he gets a bit annoyed and tries to shut the conversation down. He goes away with his family every year and they are really close and I just don't think he wants to give that up but I would like to alternate Christmas between families to make it fair and to see each other as well. He doesn't seem to want to spend Christmas with me at all! I just think its strange and have started thinking maybe he doesn't see a future together- because at what point will we spend Christmas together when we already live together. Am I overreacting? Thanks everyone

You haven’t been together very long. I never spent Christmas with boyfriends at that length of relationship. It seems a bit extreme that you’re concerned about not seeing him for 6 days. 6 days!!!
Just eh out your own christmases with your families this year, and don’t make a big deal out of it.

no I was never invited to go away with his family (his parents and siblings) which is what I thought was strange and I did try to suggest I would go but he just ignored it

But the past 2 Christmases you barely knew each other, surely, if you've been together less than 2 years now.

I think it's a bit early to be alternating Xmas, we only did this after children

"In the nicest possible way, it's less than a week. "

It's not just any week though, is it? Maybe OP's work closes around this period so they both get time off. It's hardly the same as any random 4 days. Pretty normal to want to be with those who are special to you around Christmas.

You live together so wanting to spend Christmas with the person you love most and plan to.spend your life with does not seem at all unusual to me. At the very least I would expect my partner and I to have a discussion about it, and for either his or my family (or both) to invite the other person!!

Have you met his family? Do they know you exist?

I don't think its unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with your live in boyfriend. If i were you I'd have a think about your relationship as he clearly isn't prioritising you or your feelings. I don't understand why you aren't invited - and it doesn't sound like he's even prepared to discuss it with you.

At this stage in the relationship/age I went to my then bf's house for a week at Christmas. But that was partly as I had moved abroad.

If you want to be with him, it's a shame if he won't accommodate that at all. But if you went away on holiday with them, who'd pay? They would feel bad asking you to pay, but also might not be keen on paying for you.

(Staying a week at my ex-ILs' house was so stressful. Not a minute to yourself, constantly having to sit eating - about ten times a day - with a load of semi-strangers.)

Do they go far away?
It's not the Christmas Day for me but the whole week, shame you couldn't go and join on the 26th or 27th

It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page re what living together signifies. For me it would signify building a future together and mean that holidays and significant celebrations were something we did together as a couple unless agreed otherwise. On that basis I don’t understand the people saying it’s early in the relationship since you’ve already made the step to moving in together.

I don't see the issue in him wanting to spend Christmas with his family, given you have your own family.

He doesn't want to alternate not because he doesn't want to be with you, but because he doesn't want to not spend Christmas with his family.

Now, if you were completely on your own, no relatives, and he didn't invite you, then there'd be an issue. As it stands, you both live together all year round, and at Christmas, you do your own thing.

Given how many people I know have died over the last two years, I don't think it's surprising he doesn't want to miss a single Christmas. You just never know when it will be your last with a relative, especially these days with Covid.

I don't think its uncommon these days so wouldn't take it that your bf is uncommitted.

We didn’t spend Xmas together until we had children apart from one year when we went away for 3 weeks. Enjoy time with your family whilst you can.

2 years in it suggests he’s ‘not that into you’.

I wouldn’t want to cohabit with a boyfriend who didn’t want to spend xmas together.

Sorry, I think this is unusual at 26-28 with a partner of 2 years, yes.

I would make it clear to him that you're taking it as a clear sign that he sees your relationship as fairly casual... so you will be doing the same.

I think this is the point in life where you are still young... but if you waste years on a man from here on in, you are likely to really regret it.

Take this as a chance to evaluate your entire relationship, very dispassionately. Is everything else really genuinely good? If you have doubts, then be brave. Tell him this isn't the pace you want, this isn't the situation you want, and move on.

The ignoring your suggestion that you join them is a red flag, by the way. At this point, in a good relationship, you'd at least be talking about this, and him saying - I'd like to spend time with you too but THIS is the family situ, I wouldn't feel able to invite you because x y z, I can/can't see it changing in the near future, how do you feel about that?

Not simply being evasive about something you're clearly unhappy about.

If his family usually go away for Christmas, then they will have their own traditions, jokes, ways of doing things, and adding someone new to the mix will definately change the dynamic. I think that especially since they couldn't do it last year (presumably), then it might feel even more important for that family unit to be together again this year.

It's not like you'd judt be a guest for lunch, you'd be there living with the whole of his family for several days. Do you know them well already?

Are any of your dp's siblings married or with partners that attend?

I feel for you, Christmas can be an emotional time especially for a young couple who is finding its feet and a sense of abandonment can creep in. Your BF comes from a loving family, clearly they are close and love spending time with each other particularly at Christmas where the parents have their brood around and it's family bonding time. Can I ask if any of the other siblings are in a relationship? It could be your BF is the only one and the family have not yet adjusted. As all the siblings get partners, then down the line kids, things will change. You can be open with your desire in the future to have a joint celebration either joining his family or yours, as and when his brothers/sisters also get partners so he is clear you want to spend Christmas with him, it will take time. Focus your efforts on creating good family time with your own family, time flies, make the most of your loved ones whilst you have them. May be create a Christmas eve or Boxing day routine just for the 2 of you so it is adding to the Christmas tradition not taking away (naughty secret santa maybe wink).

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here. I think it’s about what you want and if you’re getting what you need.

I can’t spend more than 6 hours in my family’s company so have loved spending it with my DH since we were first a couple (he’s an orphan so no family decisions to be made).

I don’t think you’re clingy. You just want a committed, serious relationship. DH and I have been happy together for 22 years so there’s nothing wrong with prioritising each other if you’re on the same pages

I would be upset by this.

My now husband and I have spent xmas together since our first xmas, which was when we had been together approx 11 months.

My partner is a big part of my life and we were together because we loved each other, why wouldn't I want to spend xmas with him?

It seems others disagree but it also seems it's important to you, so i guess you just have to decide how important.

Does he get included in things and happily come along with your family?

What will you be doing at Christmas?

It's only been two years. Chill.

Don't allow Christmas to be a big thing in a relationship. That's my advice.

Hi OP,
Yes it’s odd and suggests a commitment issue but ask yourself is it because he doesn’t really like your family perhaps and can’t tell you? and therefore doesn’t want to spend time with them.
Is it perhaps that his family aren't keen on you but you don’t realise it? If you’re living together I’d expect you see them through the year- what’s that like?

• do other siblings take their partners? Or are his family very conservative and unless your getting married they don’t see you as relevant enough to be spending family time with them yet?
• does he call you lots when he’s away? Is he making it obv he’s really missing you? If not then sounds like your relationship is based on being convenient rather than really loving you .. call his bluff and start talking marriage xx

It's only been two years. Chill.

Only on MN can someone be told that two years and living together doesn't yet consitute anything solid where you get to have expectations about what being a couple means.

How many years does it take?

My husband and I started alternating Christmases with each family when our first child was born - Christmas is for family and neither of us wanted to miss that, my SIL and her husband did the same!

Objectively him wanting to spend Christmas with just his family when you’ve only been together for two years is not that big a deal. What is a big deal however is that he gets annoyed/shuts down/ignores you when you try to discuss something that’s important to you. Regardless of whether or not the issue at hand is important to him, that’s the part that’s not ok and that if I were you I would look to address.