To be really angry with/let down by my family?

[MrsWarleggan]

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

So? It doesn't matter what he was doing. He classed himself as busy and told you. You are not entitled to his time.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. again, she's going on holiday. She's told you she's busy. Why do you feel so entitled to your mum's time?

You are expecting a lot if you're after free childcare. But they've obviously no interest in helping you out when you've asked direct'y, a shame but now you know where you stand with them. Use the information to 'ive your life accordingly

Unless you asked her to have them today you can't be upset that she didn't offer herself, sometimes you need to say I'm struggling can you help.
But unless asked you can't assume they'll ask and be upset when they don't.
I also wouldn't fault her for booking a weekend away tbh.

How much do you help your parents with things like tip runs and house moves?

@FestiveMayo

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

So? It doesn't matter what he was doing. He classed himself as busy and told you. You are not entitled to his time.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. again, she's going on holiday. She's told you she's busy. Why do you feel so entitled to your mum's time?

I'm going to have to agree with this. No one is entitled to other people's time - not family or anyone else.

No way would I give up a holiday (or not book one) to help moving.

The tip runs-tbh it was a bit selfish of him to not come and help after breakfast, if you’d do the same for him. However, expecting your mum not to book a holiday is totally entitled. YABU.

I would be disappointed too. At least you know for next time to get your tip runs done earlier, book a removal firm and get the kids booked in to childcare.

I’d feel upset too. It id probably tell them I feel I’ve got too much on to cope with, I’d then wish her a lovely holiday and say you haven’t for much time to chat or message so will chat when she’s home again and the moves happened.

I’d then plough all my time abs emotion into the move.

Sometimes when you know you’ve got no help. It’s a easier to just get on with it. It will empower you.

Good luck. I hope it goes well

I can’t ever imagine thinking ‘oh I can’t book a holiday for that weekend as a family member is moving house’
Ya I and very entitled OP

Yabu*

They probably assumed that you had organised childcare and help rather than leaving it to the last minute and having a tantrum because they won’t do it.

@Sprig1

I would be disappointed too. At least you know for next time to get your tip runs done earlier, book a removal firm and get the kids booked in to childcare.

Or next time she could ask her parents earlier if they will be around to help and if not just take it in good grace and sort something out herself. My parents lives don't run around mine any more now I'm an adult I wouldn't dream of being disappointed they didn't want to help me take stuff to the tip.

I think it would be lovely if they helped you move but you’re grown ups now and are not entitled to this, they are busy, it doesn’t matter what they are busy doing, just that they are. Most folks move without their mum and dad helping them past the young singleton years.

Yes it is true you are not entitled to anyones help. But I bet you help them a lot. If it were me and there was a lot of help back and forward, I would ask if my help were needed before making plans. My DF did this to me, despite earlier offering to help if I needed it and then telling me he could not. I told him how disappointed I was. And left it at that.

I'm really glad I'm not part of some posters' families. YANBU OP. In most families parents and siblings want to help out in this sort of situation. Congratulations on your new home.

I'd be a bit miffed family wouldn't help. Isn't that what family is for - helping each other? And I'd certainly be remembering it for if they ask for a hand with anything! "Sorry but I'm sure it'll all work out for you, must go..."

Did you ask them well in advance if they would mind helping this weekend?

I don't think you can expect them to have kept their schedules clear for you if you hadn't previously asked them for help with certain things.

It would be nice if they showed a bit of willing with driving stuff to the tip. But as far as booking a weekend away, I wouldn't expect them to be sitting at home waiting to leap into action (unless you had asked in advance).

I know what you mean about the breezy upbeat "You'll manage!". I get it from my DM every time I have a rough week ahead. I'm not asking for help since we live in different countries, but that positively framed dismissal annoys me.

YAB a little bit U. Sounds like you’ve left things a bit late in terms of preparing for your move, and now want your family to pick up the slack.

Money is always tight around moving, but even paying for a man and van service makes a huge difference. In London I pay £60/hour for 2 men and their 5.5 tonne truck - they’re like magicians, and achieve more in 2 hours than I would all day.

I can see both sides and I get why you’re upset op, but on mumsnet family aren’t ever meant to help, anyone, ever.
Mumsnet is about boundaries and no expectations of anyone, ever.
I’m in a close family where we support each other, which is much nicer.
I think The holiday thing is miscommunication mostly, and you being too last minute with plans though.

My god, the first few responses are typical MN - can't ever expect family to help you out or you are an entitled cowbag. YANBU OP.

I would expect my Mum to offer to help in anyway she could, same for my dad as that is how they are. Same for my parents in law.
In your situation I’d be disappointed and a bit hurt.
However, it does sound like you should have planned it a bit better and asked properly for help if you were relying on it.
I wouldn’t expect any of them to not go on holiday because I was moving house.

Thanks all.

I'm not having a tantrum. Angry was possibly the wrong word to have used in the title but I definitely feel a little upset.

We are a really tight knit family and they know full well how much we have with them worked towards this and they have shown little to no interest in us actually moving in.

Will go and put my big girl pants on and try to get over it!

You have 2 separate issues here OP.

The onus is on you and your DH to move the house,you have friends to help with your move so that’s a lot. Don’t expect anybody to drop everything to help you out.
Moving the house is a big thing and requires quite a bit of planning,surely you’ve known that you’re moving for a while?Unless of course the circumstances prevented you from decluttering/clearing out the house earlier on.

Second issue is your family. Shame your parents/siblings didn’t want to help (that’s how it looks like). Communication is the key, you should have asked your mother straight if she would be able to have your DD(s) for the afternoon today instead of assuming she’d offer.

I’d wish farewell to your mother and sister and stop the communication until you’re in new place.
They are not interested in helping out so at least they can help by not wasting your time enquiring about the move they have no interest in.

Not sure what your family dynamics are with your parents and siblings. I’d seriously adjust my expectations and be unavailable for any favours.

Good luck with the move 🙂

I've moved house as an adult 13 times. Never once have I asked mummy and daddy to help me... particularly once I had a husband, children, and bought my own home

It amazes me how much some families do for each other sometimes.