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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with/let down by my family?

208 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:12

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
50ShadesOfCatholic · 25/11/2021 19:10

It's weird if you really are a tight knit family. The way you are describing their behaviour makes it sound as though they have agreed amongst themselves to be unavailable.

Which is very unkind. Or perhaps they feel you ask too.much of them and made a point of not being available for your move. Hard to know from the outside.

Moving house with children in the mix is a huge deal and I think it's normal for families to help out so it does sound strange.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 19:15

@Chloemol

Not just my thoughts then?!

I can't even put in to words just how much I have helped my DF and DM out over the years (financially) but that's a whole other thread. Difference is I have NEVER expected anything in return because of it. I didnt even expect them to not want to help/be a part of if that makes sense? It's just what we do (or what I thought we did).

I'm not one of these people that say "Well, I did you a favour, so do me one".

OP posts:
SexyNeckbeard · 25/11/2021 19:19

Do you often drop hints that you need something and then get pissed off if it's ignored? Like when you said you were having childcare problems and your mum didn't immediately jump in to have your DD for an hour, now you're pissed off at her. Would it be normal for you to do that? What if you'd just said can you have DD for an hour?

I get so pissed off with people dropping hints and being wooly, if you don't ask me outright, I'm not offering you solutions. Maybe your mum feels the same?

OfNick · 25/11/2021 19:21

I can understand your disappointment. My parents work full time but they help when they can. If they had two weeks off work then without a doubt they would be there helping me out, they wouldn't think twice. I'd think they don't care in my opinion 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 19:26

@SexyNeckbeard

I'm not pissed off at her. I mentioned in previous post that angry was the wrong word.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/11/2021 19:27

@alienbotanist

I've moved house as an adult 13 times. Never once have I asked mummy and daddy to help me... particularly once I had a husband, children, and bought my own home Confused

It amazes me how much some families do for each other sometimes.

So us helping our children to move several times was unreasonable was it?

Thought helping each other was what families did?

HikingforScenery · 25/11/2021 20:03

Yabu
They don’t owe you help to move.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 20:06

I’m going to guess they already do or have done the bulk of your childcare.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:16

@Pumperthepumper

One day. Then I got the childminder.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 20:18

[quote MrsWarleggan]@Pumperthepumper

One day. Then I got the childminder.[/quote]
One day what?

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:27

As in she used to have youngest DD one day a week. She no longer does because I started going to a childminder.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 20:31

@MrsWarleggan

As in she used to have youngest DD one day a week. She no longer does because I started going to a childminder.
So a fifth of the week? Who had her the other four days? And which is cheaper, you parent or your childminder? And for how many weeks did she have your dd?
rookiemere · 25/11/2021 20:33

The issue may be that though this is your first move from a house ownership perspective, its your third house move in a few years.
It sounds like your DF shouldn't be doing tip visits because of his health anyway.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:38

@rookiemere

He wasnt going to be moving anything. He has an estate car. Its bigger and more practical than our car. DH would have been doing the loading/unloading.

@Pumperthepumper

I work part time 3 days a week and DH compressed hours. She went to DM one day MIL the other and then DH the 3rd. We then went to CM for the 2 days. They did this for just over a year. Covid meant I could work from home after my maternity leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:40

I think it's relevant to say that DM was not free childcare. Cheaper than a CM yes, but not free.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/11/2021 20:41

So you wanted him to drive his car?

Did he realise that?

Could you have borrowed it?

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:42

@diddl

Very very precious over his car. Only he can drive it!!

OP posts:
googlegoode · 25/11/2021 20:43

i always find it odd how so many posters seem to have families that don't help/rely on each other. My parents & siblings would certainly help me just as I would help them.

fourandnomore · 25/11/2021 20:45

It’s Thursday, you’re moving on Saturday - do you think you should have perhaps sorted all of this out earlier? They probably assumed you didn’t need help if you haven’t asked before now. Also, some people just won’t help with moving, it’s hard work. Hire some packers if you need help at this late stage, they’re not as expensive as you’d think sometimes.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 20:46

[quote MrsWarleggan]@rookiemere

He wasnt going to be moving anything. He has an estate car. Its bigger and more practical than our car. DH would have been doing the loading/unloading.

@Pumperthepumper

I work part time 3 days a week and DH compressed hours. She went to DM one day MIL the other and then DH the 3rd. We then went to CM for the 2 days. They did this for just over a year. Covid meant I could work from home after my maternity leave.[/quote]
Right, so fair to say that they did the bulk of your childcare then?

MultiStorey · 25/11/2021 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 20:53

But this is mumsnet world where expecting any help from your family means you're an entitled CF.

It's actually really sad. One of my parents was in hospital a few weeks ago & my siblings & I had strict rotas so someone visited daily & took care of everything. I often helped some of the other patients eg feeding them and some had no visitors or just the odd one over 2 wks.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 20:53

@fourandnomore

We are completely within time limits of what we can do in terms of moving stuff. I made the (obviously and according to some posters, entitled) wrong assumption that mum or my sister we be there to take the girls for a few hours. It (again, obviously wrongly) never even occurred to me that my mum and sister wouldn't want to be here/involved in moving to the first property I have ever owned, when they knew when I was going to be moving.

I'm not one of these people that post on AIBU and then get all shitty because people don't agree with me.

Yes, I made a massive assumption based on OUR family history that they would be about. I was wrong. Can't say much more than that!!

OP posts:
googlegoode · 25/11/2021 20:57

And which is cheaper, you parent or your childminder?

My parents wouldn't charge me for childcare, nor would their parents!

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 20:58

Right, so fair to say that they did the bulk of your childcare then?

How can 1 day out of 5 be the bulk?