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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with/let down by my family?

208 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:12

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 25/11/2021 12:41

I'd be upset as well OP. some weird comments on here. If family lives nearby then we'd expect to chip and help where possible.

Surely even friends do this, let alone family. I was messaging a friend last week who had popped into London to do some xmas shopping, she said the day was flying by and she only had an hour before needing to get the train home for school pick up. I offered to pick her kids up for her, she didn't need to ask. I know she'd do the same for me if needed.

DowntonCrabby · 25/11/2021 12:41

They’re not letting you down if you hadn’t asked/planned in advance of their other plans.

Yes it’s lovely when family all help each other, but you often need to be proactive and organised, help isn’t always just offered.

Would you DB or DS help out at all?

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 25/11/2021 12:46

Congratulations on your first home, but not everybody will be as excited as you, or want to be involved as much as you want them to be. Big girl pants are definitely required here !

MattHancocksSexTape · 25/11/2021 12:48

@HeyDugeesCakeBadge

My god, the first few responses are typical MN - can't ever expect family to help you out or you are an entitled cowbag. YANBU OP.
You can ask family, and they can decline.

It’s the expectation that they drop all their plans to rush to your aid is where the entitlement comes from.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:49

@DowntonCrabby

No Dsis is going with DM.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 25/11/2021 12:52

I think it depends how much give and take there is in your family.

Did/Do you help them out a lot?

Some families do lots for each other, some don't, but it's probably all reciprocal.

billy1966 · 25/11/2021 12:52

Of course you are upset, I would help friends not to mind family.

Now you know OP.

You actually aren't as tightnit as you think.

Get on with it but I would be 100% unavailable to put myself out again for any of them.

Moving house can be very stressful and a bit of support from family is not too much to hope for.

Best of luck.Flowers

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:54

@arethereanyleftatall

We do lots for each other....normally!

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 25/11/2021 12:55

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Family are meant to help each other out.

Can your in laws help?

Robin233 · 25/11/2021 12:56

Congrats on your new Home.
Some rather harsh replies on here.
My sister / bil are ones I can rely on and they me.
They looked after children while I've been in hospital/ emergency etc.
and moved house they have lent a hand.
And I'm the same. With Christmas coming , for its all about family.
Getting them gift to say how much I appreciate them and there support.

Skyll · 25/11/2021 12:57

You should’ve asked more in advance.

It wouldn’t occur to me you were expecting me to help if you didn’t ask.

amsadandconfused · 25/11/2021 13:05

I really do despair at humanity OP!!Our family is not super close but my family would've offered to help and no I would not have booked last minute holiday without at least checking that my children didn't need help with the move!To me and people I know it would be a no brainer.
Good luck with your move and obviously you will now be very busy whenever your parents/brother need any help!!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 25/11/2021 13:09

Yanbu.

On planet normal people help family out if they're able, especially a one off like this. It's not as if you'll be moving weekly.

I can't help but wonder if there's a bit kf a backstory to this tho...... Do they generally spend a lot more time with your siblings?

RKid · 25/11/2021 13:14

I’d be upset too, not because they’re busy so can’t help out but because they haven’t offered to help and have acted blasé about it - surely that’s what family is for? Moving house is very stressful let alone with two kids. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all for feeling upset about it.

HoppingPavlova · 25/11/2021 13:17

As an adult I have never had anyone other than partner or spouse assist in moving (and to be fair they have to as they live there).

When at uni and immediately out with more limited funds, not being able to afford removalists and doing dot hire trucks, we would all rope each other as friends into assisting, that was common practice. No one ever expected parents/family to assist though.

I’m staggered that two fully functional adults need not only friends, but parents and siblings as well to move. What are you struggling with?

DH and I had one move where I woke up early that morning with full on gastro. Spent the day sitting on the ensuite toilet with a bucket in front of me. I’m sure the removalists were overjoyed when they got to our bedroom and had to listen to the sounds (and smell) from the ensuite Blush). DH wrangled the removalists and three young kids including a toddler, followed removalists to new house 3 hours away to supervise unpacking (taking the kids), then came back in evening to collect me as while now fit to travel I was in no state to drive 3 hours. Then next day brought me back to pick up my car, he finished off cleaning while I supervised kids then we both drove back to new house. Essentially, even at times like these you pull up your big person pants and just get on with it. Also, no we didn’t stop anyone moving in on time as we didn’t have to have the keys back for old house until a week after we had left, and while the initial plan was to have them back late on the day we moved out (one person go off with to new house to supervise removalist unloading and the other stay to finish cleaning and hand keys back before setting off), we ended up sending them back registered postGrin.

rainbowdancegirl · 25/11/2021 13:19

I think it's a bit mean not to go out of their way to help tbh, I'm sure you would help them if they were moving. I would crack on and just remember this the next time they need abit of help with something.

Aprilx · 25/11/2021 13:22

How many people do you need or expect to have nothing better to do than help you with your move! You have already roped your friends in. I have never heard of anyone requiring their friends, parents and siblings to drop everything including cancelling holidays in order to help with a house move. We have moved overseas and back twice and managed to do it by ourselves … with the help of paid removalists, which is what I thought most people do. You are grown ups now.

RubyTuesday70 · 25/11/2021 13:25

They sound very uncaring, OP.

Just remember this next time that they expect help from you.

My family is a constant disappointment, I'm just used to it now.

diddl · 25/11/2021 13:28

What help would have been wanted with the tip runs?

Actually doing some of them or helping to load/unload at each end?

Sometimes help=doing it!

lanbro · 25/11/2021 13:32

I'm with you, I'd be upset too but my family wouldn't do this. Regardless of your age if you're a close family and the dynamic is helping each other out then you are bound to be disappointed. I know I'm lucky, and also very unusual on mumsnet, that I've never had to pay for childcare due to family helping, and I can ask anything of my mum and she'll do it for me (I don't take the piss though and appreciate every bit of help)

CSIblonde · 25/11/2021 13:34

I think you need to ask well ahead of time for big or stressful stuff like this . It was all the week of/days before the move so I'd expect them to have plans etc . What's that saying ?? "Proper preparation prevents poor performance"? It's kind of true in every aspect of life , I've found. Disorganised people I've worked with always wonder why it's all gone tits up, when they didn't prepare & it was all on the fly .

nokidshere · 25/11/2021 13:42

I've moved house as an adult 13 times. Never once have I asked mummy and daddy to help me... particularly once I had a husband, children, and bought my own home It amazes me how much some families do for each other sometimes.

That's sad for you not for them, and no need for the sarky 'mummy & daddy'.

OP might not have gone about it in the right way this time but there is nothing odd about asking friends or family for help when you need it. I've done pretty much everything myself since I was 17 (I'm now 60) but I love seeing close extended families being there for each other and helping out. Asking for help isn't something that you need to sneer about.

saraclara · 25/11/2021 13:44

We lived several hours away from our parents so didn't get any help with moving etc, or expect it.

I live within half an hour of my kids and I help them (or at the very least offer to) and they help me. I thought that's what normal families who like each other, do.

I deliberately arranged a holiday so that it didn't clash with eldest DD's moving date, so that I was available to help. I'm not saintly or unusual in that I'm sure.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/11/2021 13:50

they have shown little to no interest in us actually moving in.

How interesting is it though, really? It is to you and your partner obviously, but couldn't really compete with a holiday for someone else. Definitely time to put your big girl pants on and not rely on everyone being free to run around after you. Would never cross my mind not to pay removal firm and childcare to cover a house move. Different when I was a student scrambling between rentals with help from friends and maybe one man with a van, but you're well into the grown up era now.

Returnoftheowl · 25/11/2021 13:52

@RubyTuesday70

They sound very uncaring, OP.

Just remember this next time that they expect help from you.

My family is a constant disappointment, I'm just used to it now.

I agree with this. You've seen where you are in the pecking order now. Be less available.
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