To be really angry with/let down by my family?

[MrsWarleggan]

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

@Grapewrath

There will always be one or two mumsnetters who moved countries with 15 kids and a Fiat 500. Usually the ones who had a major incident like there eyeball falling out, yet still managed to Hoover their way out of the house while holding it in a jar and ensuring everyone in the moving team had plenty of naice ham sandwiches.

Exactly this! OP YANBU when we moved DP’s family came and I fully expect to be there when any of them moves! If your family is close knit not wrong to expect.

Enjoy your new home and don’t forget to remind them of their no-show when they next need something 🙂

@Chloemol you’ve read it wrong.

OP

I really hope this good deal on the weekend away for your sister and mother wasn’t partially financed by you.

Now you know where you stand with your —not so— “tight knit” family.

I wouldn’t subsidise your parents anymore, surely your siblings could do it seeing as they spend so much time together.

Yes - I’m ignoring the days they looked after their own children because why would you count ‘looking after your own children’ as ‘childcare’?

Because in the context of the "bulk of childcare" you can't ignore the fact that the OP can cover 3 days between her & DP & only needs to cover 2 days outside of that.

I think it's illogical to say that if the OPs parents helped her out 1 day a week they did the bulk of the childcare. If I sent my dc to nursery 1 day a week, does that mean the nursery did the bulk of my childcare? No.
And if you are using that strange measure then the inlaws did an equal amount as you yourself stated so how did OPs parents alone do the bulk?

You clearly feel incredibly strongly about it though so crack on!

Moving is so stressful, and tbh if you are still doing tip runs a couple of days before your actual moving day, then it sounds like you haven't been particularly organised, and perhaps you are a bit angry and/or annoyed with yourself and your DP for leaving it last minute? I say that as someone who had left it all to the last minute before...never again!

This is a busy time of year for most people, and if you've not given them much notice then you can't be too angry at them for making their own plans. They probably assumed that they weren't needed as you hadn't asked earlier.

I just don’t understand the continuing uselessness? Why do you need your new neighbours to take your children, and make you cups of tea?

Did you not think to pack a small box, that travelled with you to the new house, that contained tea/coffee, sugar, long life milk, mugs, packet of biscuits, kid snacks not requiring refrig, toilet paper, hand soap and a few essential toys? That’s standard. This will allow you to make tea as you need. Are your new neighbours also expected to cook dinner for your family, or have you caught on that it is standard to get takeaway on your first night in if moving (and not takeaway requiring plates/cutlery)?

If our kids asked us to help them move, I’d wonder where we had gone wrong to produce adults that were supposed to be fully functional but seemed incapable. If they asked because they had just injured themselves, and were on crutches and had limited use of a leg and both arms, or had just had surgery that meant lifting was a limitation or so forth, then I’d be the first one to race to assist as that’s completely understandable.

If my dd asked her to help move of course i's step in. I wouldn't assume she was incapable. In the olden days i hear people/ communiries/ neighbours liked to help each other...before Thatcher i expect.

@HoppingPavlova
If our kids asked us to help them move, I’d wonder where we had gone wrong to produce adults that were supposed to be fully functional but seemed incapable.

What a sad attitude to have towards family, to consider vulnerability a weakness and that a person asking for help is useless

I'm sure your children learned early on that home was not a safe place to fall.

To be honest you seem to have left a lot to the last minute.

You knew for a long time you were purchasing a house and all tip runs should've been done weeks ago.

I think this fact you left stuff until late is what is stressing you, you can't expect your mum on her two weeks holiday from work to not go away for a break.

What a sad attitude to have towards family, to consider vulnerability a weakness and that a person asking for help is useless

Good try but no banana. They learnt that if they NEEDED help, then they would certainly get it. If they wanted help because they couldn’t be arsed putting in some effort then it’s not up to anyone else to fill that gap. There is a mile of difference between the two, what someone truly cannot do independently and what someone merely doesn’t want to do because it takes some effort. I’m not at all sad my kids know the difference.

@HoppingPavlova

I don't need my new neighbours to have them and make cups of tea. I just thought it was rather kind of them to offer. No where in that post did I say I would be knocking at their door at 9am with 2 kids and empty cups.

As for not putting in the effort, over the past 3 days DH and I have single handedly moved almost all of our house apart from the big stuff which will be put in one big lorry Saturday. Forgive me for not wanting my kids bring shuffled all over the place whilst that is going on.

As previously mentioned I DID NOT want my family to act like Pickfords. I hoped they would want to be involved.

@malificent7

If my dd asked her to help move of course i's step in. I wouldn't assume she was incapable. In the olden days i hear people/ communiries/ neighbours liked to help each other.
^^^^^^
Exactly this.
There is no one more independent than my dh.
We still paid movers and had 10 family : friends on hand.
It was like a Conway.
And little kids out the way.
Mil making tea was great.
When I was single and my ds had a small baby I refused her help and moved on my own (removal firm)

But with a family and a bigger house 'many hands make light work'

Of course the OP isn't "entitled" to help from her family - BUT if I were moving my DPs (when they were younger) would have helped without needing to be asked. That's what families do for each other. As a pp said, I'm really glad I'm not part of some posters' families!

You do sound like you have rather a lot of expectations from your family to make the right offers at the right time and getting annoyed when they don't. How many friends have you roped in to help?

@gofg

Of course the OP isn't "entitled" to help from her family - BUT if I were moving my DPs (when they were younger) would have helped without needing to be asked. That's what families do for each other. As a pp said, I'm really glad I'm not part of some posters' families!

OP comes across as entitledbecause she says she is “very angry” and “let down” by her family. This is despite only asking one family member for help yesterday (he dare he have other plans) and because her mother is going on holiday (again how dare she).

As for not putting in the effort, over the past 3 days DH and I have single handedly moved almost all of our house apart from the big stuff which will be put in one big lorry Saturday. Forgive me for not wanting my kids bring shuffled all over the place whilst that is going on.

Well yes, that’s what people normally do in this situation. They do what yourself and your DH have done, what’s your point? It’s a few days in the scheme of life, things are chaotic and kids get dragged around along for the ride so to speak if it’s not practical for one adult to stay home with them after a certain time but usually one will keep going with loads they can carry by themselves. Your point is that you can/have done it. That’s aligned with my point in that you can do it, you don’t need help.

Also, it’s not clear, did you leave your kids with the new neighbours or not when they offered? I would assume not given they are complete strangers. If not then you have obviously managed moving in while wrangling kids like everyone else does.

First of all you should have asked them directly and in advance of the move for childcare help. If they had said no, fair enough you'd know not to rely on them. They don't sound like helpful, kind parents or particularly happy for you. That being said my inlaws were the same when we moved out of their home. No offer of help from bil (dh's only brother) and when dh did ask for help got told bil wasn't available. We got a large van and did all the removals our selves whilst my dd was at nursery. Mil did offer to watch my ds after I had got him down for a nap, I had to be back to feed him lunch. They can't be relied upon and I have next to no expectations of them. When bil asked his brother for help clearing their garage in a laughing , joking way, dh shot that down and reminded him that he was a cf and could do it himself or get his wife to help as it's never reciprocal.

It's sad when family are this way but some just are, I would keep communication very low tbh otherwise it will cause you resentment and upset. I also wouldn't invite them to your housewarming if you intend to have one but then I can be petty.

@HoppingPavlova

😳 So glad you’re not my mum

@HoppingPavlova

My point is you have accused me of being both useless and lazy to the point and that I want others to do it all for me, which is totally and utterly incorrect.

No, I have not taken them up on the other and will not be. There's nothing wrong with being appreciative of the gesture though.

OP,

Glad that the neighbours sound nice🤞.

Of course you were not unreasonable to have hoped for a bit of back up on the day.

100% reasonable and normal for family to have your back, particularly with children.

I can well understand your disappointment.

There is NOTHING to be gained IMO pointing this type of thing out to your family.

However, I think it is very reasonable for you not to forget it.

Your mother and sister going on holiday seems very coincidental, but best you know the lay of the land.

I certainly would be very slow to put myself out for them.

Suit yourself going forward.

As a matter of interest, are you and your partner obliging to them?

Are you called upon to help them out much?

Disappointing op. I suit myself now. Just things over past year. Then you see other families amazing. Hope u got sorted ok

[quote MrsWarleggan]@HoppingPavlova

I don't need my new neighbours to have them and make cups of tea. I just thought it was rather kind of them to offer. No where in that post did I say I would be knocking at their door at 9am with 2 kids and empty cups.

As for not putting in the effort, over the past 3 days DH and I have single handedly moved almost all of our house apart from the big stuff which will be put in one big lorry Saturday. Forgive me for not wanting my kids bring shuffled all over the place whilst that is going on.

As previously mentioned I DID NOT want my family to act like Pickfords. I hoped they would want to be involved.[/quote]
Please don't feel you have to justify yourself to judgemental and unpleasant posters who don't know the meaning of support.

Blimey maybe I’m reading too much into this but it seems to me like you’re family are not only not helping you but they have actually gone out of their way not to do so. Do you have form of asking them for help at the very last minute OP? Could they be teaching you a lesson for taking their availability to be there for you for granted?

On another note how come your mum, brother and sister all have the same two weeks off from work? That’s rather unusual no?

@50ShadesOfCatholic
Agee.
You sound lovely op.
Remember- there's note s'queer as folk.