Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with/let down by my family?

208 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:12

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
diddl · 25/11/2021 16:03

You say that you normally do lots for each other, so might there be something particularly about this?

You haven't asked them to help with the actual move-is there a reason for that?

Isn't doing "tip runs" similar to moving house?

Are you ofz´ten disorganised & asking for help at the last minute?

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 16:19

@diddl

Hadn't asked them to physically help with the actual move as neither are what you would call physically fit to be humping stuff about. I asked dad if he would be available to help (ie putting some screws in a bed frame) because I knew he wouldnt/couldn't do the heavy lifting (and he likes his tools and DIY) and said yes. This was about 3 weeks ago. Just spoken to him and he just said he can't as he's got a works do to go to tomorrow night and will have things to do at home now that mum is away. 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 16:20

Sorry... Saturday night, not tomorrow 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
LittleMG · 25/11/2021 16:21

Sorry but no yanbu! They are your family! Whose family acts like that? If I was in your position I’d be shocked at at the couldn’t care less attitude, if your family aren’t there for u who else will be?

averythinline · 25/11/2021 16:38

Sad but they obviously don't think you're that tight-knit a family ...I've done more for friends..
Actions speak louder than words and they are certainly sending a message can completely understand why you're upset ...... would definitely be cooling down with them....

Thistooshallpsss · 25/11/2021 16:41

I’m so sorry op of course I would help any of my grown up children In any way I could that’s what families are for. But there’s nothing you can do I’m afraid except plough on. Good luck and enjoy your new home

FateHasRedesignedMost · 25/11/2021 16:46

Good luck moving!

It sounds like your family want to enjoy their 2 week break from work, not help out with childcare and tip runs while you move! Why would you expect them to help when they have a rare holiday together?

We’ve moved several times and never asked family to help with practicalities, that’s what removal teams, men with vans, childminders and friends are for?

hangrylady · 25/11/2021 16:50

YANBU. But this is mumsnet world where expecting any help from your family means you're an entitled CF.

diddl · 25/11/2021 16:52

If your Dad can't really lift it might make sense that he didn't help with the tip run.

However he could still have offered to have your kids on moving day & kept to his word about helping put stuff together.

Is he quite "set in his ways"?

So that he can only do one thing a day for example?

rookiemere · 25/11/2021 16:52

How many times have you moved before and how much did your family help then ? I'm getting a bit of a sense of once bitten twice shy about this.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 17:00

We've moved twice. Both prior to having DC. DF and DB have previously helped with the lifting DM has helped with the cleaning. Dsis never helped and we are getting in a professional cleaner this time round.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 25/11/2021 17:02

@MrsWarleggan

We've moved twice. Both prior to having DC. DF and DB have previously helped with the lifting DM has helped with the cleaning. Dsis never helped and we are getting in a professional cleaner this time round.
Have you ever helped your brother/sister/parents move?
FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 17:12

@MrsWarleggan

We've moved twice. Both prior to having DC. DF and DB have previously helped with the lifting DM has helped with the cleaning. Dsis never helped and we are getting in a professional cleaner this time round.
There you go then. They do help out when they feel like it. It doesn't matter when your mum booked her holiday. Unless you had specifically arranged with her that she was going to look after your children you are being massively entitled. And even if she did say she would if her plans changed she does not owe you anything.
Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 17:12

Parents been in for nearly 30 years, when I still lived there. Sister been in her place 19 years and yes I helped hump bin bags and light stuff about!

OP posts:
clarepetal · 25/11/2021 17:22

@hangrylady

YANBU. But this is mumsnet world where expecting any help from your family means you're an entitled CF.
What this person has said. I'd feel put out too.
diddl · 25/11/2021 17:43

"What this person has said.
I'd feel put out too.

Although apart from Op's Dad now saying that he can't help put things together, they hadn't promised anything & reneged on it.

They hadn't been asked to help & when called on last minute one declined & and one won't be there.

Santaischeckinglists · 25/11/2021 17:51

Imo your family are crap op. We rely on each other in times of stress and especially the madness of moving!!
To not be around for your dc moving is bloody rubbish imo.

eyeslikebutterflies · 25/11/2021 17:58

Only on Mumsnet do families not help each other out. Or, people are called 'unreasonable' and 'disorganised' (LOL) for wanting family to muck in. Honestly, I despair of some of the posters on here - never lifting a finger to help their loved ones.

OP, of course YANBU! My parents would have done all you asked and a LOT more. I would have done the same for my family, too. That's just what families do, if you're close like you indicate you are (and obvs if you have a toxic family then no, but this isn't what's going on here). They're being thoughtless. They may have forgotten how hard it is to do stuff with very small children in tow, but even so ... you deserve more. I hope moving day goes well, and you enjoy your new home.

Pysgodywibliwobli · 25/11/2021 18:13

My family are not close and don't live nearby. I apologised to my my mum I couldn't help her move. I had a newborn and difficult toddler at the time and no family help living hours away. I physically couldn't manage it.

I would expect family to offer help, particularly if retired and nearby.

Chloemol · 25/11/2021 18:41

@FestiveMayo

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

So? It doesn't matter what he was doing. He classed himself as busy and told you. You are not entitled to his time.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. again, she's going on holiday. She's told you she's busy. Why do you feel so entitled to your mum's time?

I bet you don’t get help from anyone with your attitude
Chloemol · 25/11/2021 18:44

I think YANBU. If they wanted to help they could have done

As a family we do whatever we can to help each other out, we wouldn’t go to breakfast but would help you instead, and then suggest we all go for a late breakfast

However now you know and next time they want help the answer will be no. Next time they want to spend time with your kids, if it doesn’t suit the answer will be no

At least your siblings will have the responsibility of looking after your parents in their old ages

FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 18:53

@Chloemol me? I get help all the time. It is reciprocal and never expected or assumed or taken for granted.

TheCanyon · 25/11/2021 19:01

I looked after dhs best mates kids for 10+ hours (dh physically helped them) last time they moved house as none of their family would help, they're moving again this weekend and I've not yet been asked but I'll be here and on hand if they need me. Though they've had dh round there every night the last fortnight helping get it ready so hopefully I can sit at home and chill with him instead Grin

My parents and brothers have travelled hours to help us move even more hours away twice. It's just what you do when you love folks aint it?

Robin233 · 25/11/2021 19:03

I find this unbelievable that family's don't help each other out moving.
It's so stressful that I'd help anyone if asked, especially family.
It is a case of all hands on deck.
Our last move I had each of our boxes labelled.
When we got ti the new house I stuck a4 pages on each room - bed 1 , bed 2
Kitchen, dining room etc
We paid a friend who does removals for a living and then everyone else mucked in, dh 3 adult kids, brother , a buddy and mum in law making tea, cleaning and washing pots. And a few others.
The family moving out even had neighbours helping.
It just like the story of: Henny Penny.
'Who will help me cook the bread?'
What a mean spirited bunch.
I'd be quite 'busy' next time they want a bit of help.
Enjoy your new home op.

Robin233 · 25/11/2021 19:06

@TheCanyon

My parents and brothers have travelled hours to help us move even more hours away twice. It's just what you do when you love folks aint it?
^^^^
Absolutely.
It is a no brainier.