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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with/let down by my family?

208 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:12

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 25/11/2021 13:57

I’m going to guess you’re quite young OP. Early twenties?

lockdownalli · 25/11/2021 14:09

Other than when we were all really young/students, I can't remember anyone I know moving house and not having removal people doing it. It's a known cost you have to factor in.

I wouldn't think I couldn't book a holiday the same weekend as a family member was moving as I would assume they had arranged removals themselves.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 14:15

Again thankyou all.

There was a post earlier about me expecting them to cancel a holiday. I would never expect! Holiday was booked last week. Our move date has been planned 3 weeks before that.

FWIW I'm NOT expecting them to act like a removal company for me. Just a " yes of course we could help with a tip run" or of course I could have the girls for a couple of hours"

OP posts:
Bloodypunkrockers · 25/11/2021 14:17

YANBU

Some of the comments here make me wonder

Yes, they don't owe you anything it I would be really hurt if my family treated me like some random

I also couldn't imagine not offering to help if it was one of mine

Of course you're disappointed.

Outnumbered99 · 25/11/2021 14:19

I would like to think my family would be more helpful, i don't think you are wrong to be a little bit miffed, especially about the tip runs. I do wonder if there is something else going on- are you moving further away from them and that has upset them, anything like that?

steff13 · 25/11/2021 14:20

@MrsWarleggan

Again thankyou all.

There was a post earlier about me expecting them to cancel a holiday. I would never expect! Holiday was booked last week. Our move date has been planned 3 weeks before that.

FWIW I'm NOT expecting them to act like a removal company for me. Just a " yes of course we could help with a tip run" or of course I could have the girls for a couple of hours"

But when did you ask them for help? If you asked them and they agreed before they booked the holiday, then I think you have a right to be annoyed. If you expected them to just keep that weekend open in the event that you might need help I think that's unreasonable.
steff13 · 25/11/2021 14:22

Also, your mom is going out of town. Did you ask you dad or brother to watch the kids while you move?

Pinkdelight3 · 25/11/2021 14:25

There was a post earlier about me expecting them to cancel a holiday. I would never expect! Holiday was booked last week. Our move date has been planned 3 weeks before that.

But it was a good deal and she wanted to go on holiday. I wouldn't expect her to stay home to help with childcare that you can source elsewhere. Likewise, your dad was busy with other relatives so couldn't do your tip run. I really don't think that's out of order. No one does our tip runs nor would I expect them to unless maybe if I was incapacitated.

SparrowNest · 25/11/2021 14:25

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be miffed your dad wouldn’t help with the tip runs after his breakfast was finished.

If your mum’s away she’s away, though. You hadn’t asked in advance for her to have your daughter so I don’t see how you can be annoyed she booked a holiday the same weekend you’re moving. If you’d explicitly asked it would be different.

diddl · 25/11/2021 14:33

Why didn't you ask your to have your daughter & offer to take her over?

Hopefully there's plenty you can be doing until you can start taking stuff to the tip again.

Politics4me · 25/11/2021 14:43

@MrsWarleggan
One does expect families to rally round for major events like this.
We all do, we drove 100miles to help PIL move, I drove a van they hired.
These are not random people they are family. There should be loyalty and there are obligations.

CactusLemonSpice · 25/11/2021 14:44

I think YABU to take issue with them. You're not unreasonable to wish that your dad should fit into your schedule and help you out rather than have his breakfast plans, or to wish your mum would do childcare instead of going on holiday. But to expect that they should fulfil those wishes for you would be rather entitled.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/11/2021 14:44

'You're not entitled to someone else's time or free childcare'. I hate comments like these. Hoping your family will help you in a one off situation and being upset when they aren't interest isnt feeling entitled to free childcare.

I think if you're a close family and you do each other favours then it's not unreasonable to expect they help out with some relatively easy bits (babysitting and a couple of tip runs is minor, it's not like hefting sofas around or packing and unpacking). Moving is one of the most stressful times of your life and isn't something you're likely to be repeating regularly so yes I'd be hurt if my dad refused to do me a relatively easy favour at any point in the day because he wanted a breakfast. He just didn't want to help you, and that's hurtful, if you would have helped him without question.

Saying all that I wouldnt be annoyed at my mum for booking a holiday, it's quite a major thing to be able to go away again and I wouldn't expect them to miss out on an amazing deal because they'd agreed to babysit.

I offered to have one of my daughters friends over for the day recently when they were moving house, it didn't feel like a huge favour and I wouldn't feel like it was a massive ask of anyone else

DelurkingAJ · 25/11/2021 14:51

And once again I thank my lucky stars for my wonderful family (including in laws). Our last moving date changed (new build) and we were going to be abroad so my utterly fab PIL offered to come and stay and direct the packers and movers for us. And made sure we had tea and so on available when we got back straight into the new house. And we would do the same for them in a heartbeat. And they live 90 minutes away. OP, I understand why you’re sad…it’s just a bit of a pity and hopefully a miscommunication rather than deliberate.

Fairylights25 · 25/11/2021 14:57

You will manage op don't worry, we have never had childcare for anything and managed numerous moves. Just pack a picnic, make sure you organise an overnight bag and toy bag for the dc, and keep the beds and bedding easily accessible. Or check into a budget hotel for the night. It is all very doable. Your expectations are clearly not the same as your parents, so time to adjust. Or ask friends if the dc can have a sleepover option 2.

Cas112 · 25/11/2021 14:59

Yes its a bit shitty they cant help but they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week! sounds so entitled, they have there own life, they can go on holiday if they want to.

I wouldn't expect my mum to decline a holiday cause I'm moving house

Mary46 · 25/11/2021 15:02

Ah shame op. My family not great either. I would like to think I would help in this situation thats what most families do

diddl · 25/11/2021 15:05

It does read as if you have left it late to ask for childcare-but could your Dad not do it?

ChristmasScrooge · 25/11/2021 15:06

YABU in expecting them to drop everything to help you with free childcare like the holiday for example, they are allowed to go whenever they like. They are busy and that's that.

I do think your dad could of helped with the tip runs if he was free after 11am though. That is a little shitty.

DameAlyson · 25/11/2021 15:32

I do think your dad could of helped with the tip runs if he was free after 11am though. That is a little shitty.

But op has known for months, presumably, that she will be moving at some point. Actual date has been known for three weeks. Why is tip run left to last minute?

ShellfishLove · 25/11/2021 15:38

I’m very shocked by some of these comments. I’d drop anything to help my children move house and certainly wouldn’t book a holiday knowing when the move date was. YANBU in my opinion

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/11/2021 15:39

Isnt this what removal firms are for?

HarrietsChariot · 25/11/2021 15:47

Try to look at the positive - at least you know where you stand with them now. They don't care as much as you thought they did. It's cruel but you can't change that.

What you can do, however, is remember how they could have been helpful but decided not to be whenever they need your help in the future. As they get older it's more likely they will need your assistance with certain jobs - just remember how they made you feel when you asked for some help with the move before making a decision on whether you'll help them when they need you.

You may still have the last laugh.

VeganCheesePlease · 25/11/2021 15:48

I totally get you being upset. Congratulations to you and DH for buying your first house. We are currently savings for ours and I know how bloody brutal it is at the moment!
I would be upset if this was my family. Some of the comments here are unfair - yes you don't get to say what your dad does wlth his day, but a tip run is hardly asking for a kidney!!
What I would say is did you give plenty of notice? My lovely BiL and his partner bought theirs last year and there was four or five moving days that fell through beforehand, so we ended up with only a weeks notice of their move, but were able to all take a few hours each around work etc to help them out- as you would expect from your family!

Suzanne999 · 25/11/2021 15:59

I can’t imagine that I wouldn’t offer to help one of my daughters moving house —- childcare, helping pack, cleaning, I’d expect to help.
Unfortunately you can’t count on family help. Perhaps I’m more willing to be involved because my parents weren’t interested in me and my family?
I’m afraid you’ll have to give up on the idea of them helping in any way and just plough on with the house move. Hope it goes well.

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