To be really angry with/let down by my family?

[MrsWarleggan]

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

YANBU OP. I feel really sorry for the posters with parents who wouldn't bother and posts like these make me so grateful for my darling DPs.
Good luck with the move

@PinkSyCo

It's not the exact 2 weeks off. Brothers in full 2 weeks, because of the hours DM and Dsis it's just fallen that way. They haven't purposely booked it that way... Well I hope they haven't!!

Anyways.....Van is on the way!! Proper move day!! 😁😁

Oh well now you know you'll not need to bother your arse when they're old and need more help.

And congratulations on your home!!

Best of luck OP today.

Bloody hell, glad I'm not related to lots of these posters.
If my child asks me to help them out with looking after my grandchild and I'm not working of course I'd have them for a couple of hours.
If they asked if I could go to the skip with them then I would.

You're not being unreasonable. I grew up with a family helping each other, often without being asked.

I had a similar situation several years ago. Big house move from another part of the country ironically to be closer to husbands family. Six months pregnant with complications and on crutches, energetic 2 year old also to manage.
My brother and family came for the weekend to help, travelled 3 hours to get to us. Did tip runs, emptied boxes helped move larger items and whatever else we needed doing. It was a huge help and I loved them for it and would do the same for them without being asked.

Husbands family, who lived locally, did nothing. One turned up the second day but just to drop in for a chat and when they saw how busy we were soon left. It was a real eye opener for me of the difference between our families. They couldn't help when we really needed them most and was physically restricted with what I could do.

Since then (and a few other examples) I have no expectations of help from them. I think people show you who they really are. I scaled back our contact with them eventually, preferring to concentrate on our own little family. It's disappointing but life moves on and families work in different ways but I've not forgotten it. What goes around comes around.
How exciting to have your own new home. Good luck.

Bloody hell, glad I'm not related to lots of these posters.
If my child asks me to help them out with looking after my grandchild and I'm not working of course I'd have them for a couple of hours.
If they asked if I could go to the skip with them then I would.

Yep I will have watched my 2 tiny grandsons a fair few times on the run up to their parents move next Saturday, so as daughter can have clearouts and do charity runs etc. Volunteered (after okaying it with him) my son to help with the actual move too and will have DGC for as long as they need me to on the actual day of course. I think it’s natural to want to help your kids as much as possible, unless perhaps those kids take the piss and expect you to drop everything at the last minute as though you have no life of your own, which is why I asked OP if this was the case here.

@Onlinedilema

Bloody hell, glad I'm not related to lots of these posters. If my child asks me to help them out with looking after my grandchild and I'm not working of course I'd have them for a couple of hours. If they asked if I could go to the skip with them then I would.

Me too.

Imagine watching your family be so busy juggling a lot and think you had failed to raise them properly, if they needed a bit of help🙄

How some people live.

I feel so blessed by those I live amongst when I read some of the stuff on hear.

I'd mind a friends kids, no bother, if they were moving, not to mind family.
🤷‍♀️ ....how some people live!

YANBU - I moved house completely single handedly a few years ago and it broke me. Had someone watching the kids but was back and forth with a van for hours - even better having to knock on random new neighbours doors to help me with larger pieces of furniture out of the van - what a way to meet your neighbours eh! DP (not living with me) only came to help out when after almost 10 hours I completely broke down in tears.

I’d only ever move again if I had a removal company - lesson learnt!

Have you helped them much in the past op? It sounds like they don't want to help and I'm wondering why.

I think it really depends on your family dynamic. I'd certainly be upset if my family couldn't watch my dd for a day or so whilst I was tidying, because were super close and have always helped each other out with childcare, moving houses, shopping etc. If we're free, we're helping if needed.
However your mum going on holiday, I really don't think you can be too upset with that one. I wouldn't expect my family to not book a holiday just because I had plans I may need help for. They're entitled to their own life, and I would never expect them to put that on hold for me.

Good luck with your move, and congratulations on your new home!

@Blackmagicqueen

Have you helped them much in the past op? It sounds like they don't want to help and I'm wondering why.

She's already said that she's helped them a lot, and financially.

Thanks all. We are in!!! Completely stressless. I think doing what we had done over the past 3 days has massively helped. Haven't even had a text message from my side of the family. Really quite upset.

OP,

Please don't allow them to spoil this happy, momentous day.

Well done for being organised and getting through it.

You will look back on this day and realise it was a gift.

You need to be less available, less involved and definitely less forthcoming as an ATM.

I would be upset too, but they really are not worth your upset. You dd it without their help or interest.

Now that they have set the standard of NOT helping - you follow that too and dont bother with them in the future. Unless obvs you want to!

I'm so glad that all went smoothly.

I hope you won't rush to help them out when they need it. And the financial support needs to stop. I'm not a vindictive person, but the favours you asked were small, and if they can't do the simplest thing to help you with such a stressful and busy time, they really are not deserving of your help.

Glad you are in and YANBU in expecting your family to show a bit of interest and offer to help. At least you know now though that help is not always forthcoming. Do your parents help with childcare normally? I would not book a holiday on the same week if either of my DDs moved. We have helped with all their moves either with childcare, diy or other jobs that needed doing on the day even if removers booked too. It is nice to be supportive towards close family members.

@HoppingPavlova

Honestly you have a very weird attitude. We brought our daughters up to be independent and they are but that doesn't mean we don't like to make their lives easier by helping them and vice versa. Normally that is what families do. Maybe your children don't ask for help because they know what the answer would be

Moving day is usually a really stressful day. Why wouldn't you want to help out if you are fit and able to do so and spending a few hours with your grandchildren is hardly a punishment? Certainly it isn't for us.

I wouldn’t be helping them anymore either. You reap what you sow.

Sounds like they tap you for cash a lot?

@HoppingPavlova

What a sad attitude to have towards family, to consider vulnerability a weakness and that a person asking for help is useless

Good try but no banana. They learnt that if they NEEDED help, then they would certainly get it. If they wanted help because they couldn’t be arsed putting in some effort then it’s not up to anyone else to fill that gap. There is a mile of difference between the two, what someone truly cannot do independently and what someone merely doesn’t want to do because it takes some effort. I’m not at all sad my kids know the difference.

That's a really strange thing to say. Moving house is one of the most stressful things anyone can go through. Why would you make them even ask for help?

Glad all went well. I cant imagine a world where i wouldnt be available to help my children move house. Enjoy your new house

I'm not sure you have the right to be angry as such with them but I'd remember it when they next ask for help with something and if not busy, I would make myself busy.

@MrsWarleggan

Thanks all. We are in!!! Completely stressless. I think doing what we had done over the past 3 days has massively helped. Haven't even had a text message from my side of the family. Really quite upset.
^^^^^^^^
Well done op.
I'm not surprised you're upset by their lack of interest.
Please don't let it spoil things like pp have said.
This is about you and your family.
Is there maybe a bit of jealousy from your family? ( they rent or something )
But anyway your money is for you , your children and your new home , not for people who could not help out on moving day.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I'm not sure you have the right to be angry as such with them but I'd remember it when they next ask for help with something and if not busy, I would make myself busy.

She has said about 12 X that anger was the wrong word, she's upset. And even so, she has a right to feel anything that she feels. Feelings are not chosen, they rock up unannounced. A great many people have suffered a great deal of harm by being told they have no right to their feelings.