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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with/let down by my family?

208 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 12:12

After years and years DH and I have finally purchased our 1st home.

Move day is Saturday. Have large van booked and have friends helping move the big stuff and DH are doing runs back and forth with the smaller stuff. Family live 20 minutes away. DF is retired, DB, DS and DM are on two week holiday from work.

I asked DF if he could help DH with some tip runs yesterday he said he couldnt as he was busy. Fair enough. However later that night I found out his busy was breakfast with my DS and DB at 9am and they were home by 11am.

Asked DM whether she could have DD7 and 2 on actual move day and she said she couldn't as she wouldn't be here. I asked where she was going and she's off to Majorca with my DS for a long weekend. It was apparently a "really good deal" so they couldn't turn out down despite knowing it was our move weekend and booked last week!

I wasn't expecting them to help with the actual move, but seriously.... It just feels like they couldn't give a shit and it's really upset me.

We've paid extra for our childminder to have DD2 today but she can only have her until 2pm. DM asked how things were going and I told her we had issues due to our local tip being closed and that we haven't got anywhere near enough done today and instead of offering to have DDs for an hour she just replied with "Oh well, just have to work with what you've got. It will all come together"

Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 25/11/2021 21:06

Typical callous MN responses on here. Op don't you know that on MN you must never expect:

Any help from your family or friends with anything practical.

Any childcare from grandparents.

Anyone to remember your birthday.

Your husband not to leave you for a younger woman if you choose to be SAHM or work part time.

fourandnomore · 25/11/2021 21:08

I think you’re right to have assumed people may have wanted to help but what I meant was if you haven’t asked specifically before now then a few days prior to the actual move they’ve probably assumed they’re not needed. I say this as within my own family I constantly listen to my mum moan about my brother and his wife not communicating with her their needs for childcare when she is absolutely not being clear about her needs or commitments either. Communication styles clashing is a minefield. I’m sorry you’re stuck in this position though - are there any friends you could ask just to take them to the park for a couple of hours? It’s really disappointing but I’m sure it will be fine.

Also, people who haven’t moved for a long time don’t remember what it’s like from my experience with other friends and their parents - and also couldn’t care that it’s your first house - that is your achievement to celebrate, no one else’s. Sorry that is disappointing for you based on your usual relationship with them though.

We’ve moved several times with children and just had to bring them along and pack at night, just think - by Saturday night you will be in your own home and can celebrate that you’ve done it on your own. Nothing better to be honest!

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 21:10

@googlegoode

Right, so fair to say that they did the bulk of your childcare then?

How can 1 day out of 5 be the bulk?

1 out of two. The other was done by MIL and the third by the DDs father (ie a parent)
fourandnomore · 25/11/2021 21:10

I meant other people may not care and that is disappointing. I didn’t mean I don’t care, it sounds really important to you, congratulations and I hope it all goes well on Saturday.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 21:10

@googlegoode

And which is cheaper, you parent or your childminder?

My parents wouldn't charge me for childcare, nor would their parents!

How much of your childcare did your parents do?
Grapewrath · 25/11/2021 21:11

Yanbu but mumsnet has this weird thing that you should never expect support from
Your parents as an adult- ever!
It’s totally different irl of course and I think it’s fine to be disappointed

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/11/2021 21:14

@fourandnomore

Thankyou. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I shall raise a glass to you Saturday night! 🍷 Along with my new neighbours who have just offered to take the girls in for a bit of entertainment (they have a little girl same age as my eldest) and make lots of tea for the helpers ❤️

OP posts:
googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:25

@Pumperthepumper my parents did one day a week before they started preschool. They & my inlaws often pick them up & they sometimes stay over on a weekend. I did similar with my gps.

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:28

1 out of two. The other was done by MIL and the third by the DDs father (ie a parent)

You have left the 2 days out at the CM though?

1 day at OPs parents
1 day at inlaws
1 day with DH
2 days at CM

That's not 1 out of 2 😆

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 21:35

@googlegoode

1 out of two. The other was done by MIL and the third by the DDs father (ie a parent)

You have left the 2 days out at the CM though?

1 day at OPs parents
1 day at inlaws
1 day with DH
2 days at CM

That's not 1 out of 2 😆

No, the other two were done by the OP.

Why did your parents only do one day?

Grapewrath · 25/11/2021 21:41

There will always be one or two mumsnetters who moved countries with 15 kids and a Fiat 500.
Usually the ones who had a major incident like there eyeball falling out, yet still managed to Hoover their way out of the house while holding it in a jar and ensuring everyone in the moving team had plenty of naice ham sandwiches.

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:42

@Pumperthepumper

"She went to DM one day MIL the other and then DH the 3rd. We then went to CM for the 2 days."

She used a CM but regardless if it was the OP or a CM it's still not 1 out of 2!

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:43

Why did your parents only do one day?

Because it suited all of us, I didn't work f/t & also used a childminder.

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:44

I'm still not FT & I'm TTO but my dc go to parents, siblings, inlaws for random days in the holidays. I have siblings dc too.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 21:46

[quote googlegoode]@Pumperthepumper

"She went to DM one day MIL the other and then DH the 3rd. We then went to CM for the 2 days."

She used a CM but regardless if it was the OP or a CM it's still not 1 out of 2! [/quote]
No, you’ve read it wrong.

Parents for one day
MIL for one day
One day with father
Two days with OP

Then the parents/in laws days were replaced by a childminder.

Boysnme · 25/11/2021 21:48

@MrsWarleggan I’m upset for you. I know you are not entitled to help but close family should want to help. I’d be so disappointed if this was my family and not sure I’d be able to come back from it without raising it with them. Our relationship would definitely be different going forwards!

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:49

Even if I read the CM bit wrong, the OPs parents are not doing the bulk of childcare as you stated by doing 1 day!!!

nanbread · 25/11/2021 21:49

Having had pretty much zero help from either my parents or my PIL with childcare, babysitting, any kind of favours practical or otherwise, ever, I'm struggling to have sympathy.

I can see if you're very close and usually rely on them why you might want them to help. But to expect it, is wrong. Try to be grateful for the help you DO have. Try to imagine a world where they never helped.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 21:50

@googlegoode

Even if I read the CM bit wrong, the OPs parents are not doing the bulk of childcare as you stated by doing 1 day!!!
Yes they were - they were doing half of it, and the other half was being done by in-laws.

Half of two days of childcare is one day.

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:55

So you want to ignore the days that the OP & her partner does which doesn't make sense.
Take my example, I had dc for 2 days, CM did 2 days & parents did 1 day. How can my parents be said to be doing the bulk of childcare?

And then you have just said it was half, so how can half be the bulk?

ClaryFairchild · 25/11/2021 21:55

I think their behaviour is a bit awful. I think of all the help my family are offering me for my upcoming move and I feel sad on your behalf.

Could there be more to it? Or they unhappy about your actual move? Are you moving further away? To a better house (and there's a bit of jealousy)? It seems odd if they're normally helpful. Or are you misreading the family dynamic? Do you actually do much more to help them than the other way around?

googlegoode · 25/11/2021 21:55

Half of two days of childcare is one day.

Again, how is that the bulk of the childcare?

gamerchick · 25/11/2021 21:59

@DameAlyson

I do think your dad could of helped with the tip runs if he was free after 11am though. That is a little shitty.

But op has known for months, presumably, that she will be moving at some point. Actual date has been known for three weeks. Why is tip run left to last minute?

Because tip runs usually are. You can't plan a tip run mega in advance. That's just silly.

OP, some of these replies are weird. You're not entitled to someone's time yes but equally, neither are they entitled to yours and I'd be dwelling on that the next time they need your help.

Pumperthepumper · 25/11/2021 22:03

@googlegoode

So you want to ignore the days that the OP & her partner does which doesn't make sense. Take my example, I had dc for 2 days, CM did 2 days & parents did 1 day. How can my parents be said to be doing the bulk of childcare?

And then you have just said it was half, so how can half be the bulk?

Yes - I’m ignoring the days they looked after their own children because why would you count ‘looking after your own children’ as ‘childcare’?

You’re really struggling with this fairly basic concept: out of the two days of childcare, their parents did all of it.

Chloemol · 25/11/2021 22:09

@Pumperthepumper

How did you get her parents did the bulk of the childcare? How can one day a week be the bulk?

Her DM 1 day
MIL 1 day
DH 1 day
CM 2 days ( now 3 days)

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