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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should get the bigger room?

218 replies

JulyWind · 24/11/2021 12:44

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 24/11/2021 12:48

If the rooms are a similar size then I don’t think YABU.

TotallySuper · 24/11/2021 12:49

YANBU your poor DS, he lives there full time and is younger so more toys etc. He's also been told for a year "when your room is done you can move back in there" etc etc. To then be told "actually you get the other room now" would be sad. Don't back down your DH is wrong.

colourfulpuddles · 24/11/2021 12:49

Why is he suddenly saying DSS should have it? Confused

Mistyplanet · 24/11/2021 12:49

Yanbu, i think your DH is being unfair. Maybe hes trying to please his son's but you'd already agreed the room would be for your DS and as hes the one living there all the time it makes alot more sense.

Starcaller · 24/11/2021 12:50

Hmm I think if there are two sharing then it's kind of sensible they get the bigger room - that's usually the trade off isn't it? If it would be a big hassle to change over then I'd consider whether it was worth it for such a small gain, but if it's just an hour of moving furniture about then it's not really a big deal.

Ohpulltheotherone · 24/11/2021 12:50

Unless the two boys are going to be a bit cramped and uncomfortable in the other room - which it doesn’t sound like they will be - then YANBU.

If they were being shoehorned into a box room then that’d be different but it sounds like everyone was happy with the original choices and that it would still work.

In theory, you’d want to give the children who share the “bigger” room - but in this case if they have a room that’s a decent size and we’re talking about the equivalent of an extra metre then it really does seem a bit shit of DH to try and go back on what was agreed.

My SC share a room which is smaller than my DC who lives here, I’d love to see my DP suggest they swap. Not a chance! Both nice room, both comfortable, full time person gets the bigger one. End of.

HikingforScenery · 24/11/2021 12:51

Yabu.

Give the bigger room to the two older boys to share.

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 24/11/2021 12:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

thewhatsit · 24/11/2021 12:52

I don’t think it matters much either, the rooms don’t sound that different in size and you’ve already started decorating. Will the oldest even know it’s bigger? - if it really is just a cupboard size, don’t you just know from the builders measurements? They might have no clue.

There are two of the older ones so they need a decent size room. Sharing a box room wouldn’t be ok really given you have the space. But if their room is acceptable I wouldn’t change it.

Starcaller · 24/11/2021 12:52

Also I would wager that teenage boys will spend more time in their room than a younger child in the first place. My DD is only about to turn 3 so a little younger but she's not really interested in playing in her room because she wants to be around us and play downstairs. She just uses her room to sleep in. Teenage boys however ...

Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 12:53

@Starcaller

Hmm I think if there are two sharing then it's kind of sensible they get the bigger room - that's usually the trade off isn't it? If it would be a big hassle to change over then I'd consider whether it was worth it for such a small gain, but if it's just an hour of moving furniture about then it's not really a big deal.
For the sake of 2 nights a week... It would sit empty for the other 5 and just by the nature of the arrangement they have far less "stuff" here than DS does / will as he gets older.

I could understand if DSS's were in a box room, but they have a decent sized double bedroom, decorated how they want it, TV, desk, computer, even a chair! It's not a tiny bedroom at all.

OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 24/11/2021 12:54

If the DSSs are doing fine in there current room then no need to swap. If they’re struggling for space I would swap.

Starcaller · 24/11/2021 12:55

If the space gain is really so negligible then it seems a pointless exercise then!

SaturdaySummer · 24/11/2021 13:02

@JulyWind

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

I think YANBU, why would you have a room sitting empty 5 nights a week (maybe more of staying at friends etc as you mentioned) when your son who lives there all the time could be utilising it? Is the issue that your husband doesn't want to be seen as favouring your shared son?
Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 13:07

Is the issue that your husband doesn't want to be seen as favouring your shared son?

Yes I think so, he has a tendency, imo, to over compensate a lot when it comes to this.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 24/11/2021 13:12

I think your little DS should get the room. Nothing to do with size. Everything to do with him being promised that that will be his room when its done and having to camp in with his parents for the duration of the work - whilst his brothers got their room done as they want it first.

He's 4, he's at school or at least preschool I assume - he is beyond the age of sharing with parents unless unavoidable. The next room decorated should be his - not his brothers getting another room when they already have one decorates to their tastes. He's big enough to know he's bottom of the list if this is how he is being treated. Is his dad usually this blatant with his favouritism?

I've seen this play out with my nieces (full sisters) older niece had to wait to get her room sorted as there wasn't the money after doing younger niece. Then younger niece wanted a change of wallpaper - done again ahead of older child who never did get her room done. Now they have moved. Mum and younger niece have nicely decorated bedrooms and furniture being put up next week. Older niece doesn't have any furniture other than her bed as mum can't afford it. So gcse student has no desk or wardrobe, whilst primary kid has room fully kitted out with new stuff. Older niece has decided to live with her dad!

Chloemol · 24/11/2021 13:14

YANBU. DS is there all the time, has more stuff gets the bigger room

As DSS get older you may find they come less anyway

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/11/2021 13:15

If the other room is decorated for the older boys, it seems pointless swapping for a minor size difference. If it was obviously a lot bigger, it would be different.

DD2 has a lot bigger room than DD1 currently as shes has big toys whereas DD1 just has books and collections. They were 8&nearly10 when we moved.

LittleOwl153 · 24/11/2021 13:15

Next dad will be suggesting the small child can stay where he is and the two older boys can have a room each...

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 13:17

So the original agreement was that the two boys would have the biggest room and now you've changed your mind?

If so, I agree with your husband.

You can't agree with him while the works being done then change your mind about something that he feels will disadvantage his children afterwards.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/11/2021 13:17

Presumably if he added up all the bedroom space the boys have across his and his ex wives house, he could see they already have more room than ds.

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 13:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Presumably if he added up all the bedroom space the boys have across his and his ex wives house, he could see they already have more room than ds.
Congratulations on the most ridiculous comment I've seen this week.
Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 13:20

@girlmom21

So the original agreement was that the two boys would have the biggest room and now you've changed your mind?

If so, I agree with your husband.

You can't agree with him while the works being done then change your mind about something that he feels will disadvantage his children afterwards.

No you have misread. The agreement was that our son would have this room when the works were done. Now we've done the works, the room has ended up the bigger of the two and so DH thinks DSS's should have it and DS have what is their room now.
OP posts:
MrzClaus · 24/11/2021 13:20

YANBU!

It was always the agreement - stick to it. Especially if your DSSs already have their room decorated and sorted. No need to swap - also how much room can knocking through the cupboard create, surely not enough to warrant changing all of the plans!

Your DH obviously doesn't want to be seen to be favouring your joint DS, however your DS is at home full time, it would be silly to have it empty 5 days a week for the sake of appearances.

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 13:23

@JulyWind ah sorry - I misunderstood. If that's the case then you're completely right and my initial comment applies to him instead Smile