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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should get the bigger room?

218 replies

JulyWind · 24/11/2021 12:44

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

OP posts:
readwhatiactuallysay · 24/11/2021 20:05

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

You both made a promise to your DS, please keep to it. Its cruel not to.

Your DH needs to accept that his kids will stay in the room that was originally agreed, on the couple of nights a week they stay with you

Jibberjabberhutt · 24/11/2021 20:06

@julieca

I agree that it is not common to sleep over at friends houses regularly at that age.
Well, for me, my siblings, now my siblings’ children, all of our friends, all of my friends’ older children, it was and is normal. Totally normal. Sleepovers are where it’s at.

Don’t take one little element of a sentence the OP wrote and try to insinuate that it signifies a problem at home, and that clearly the OP is evil and unwelcoming.

This place is as reliable as the sunrise when it comes to stepmother attacks.

Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:07

@ittakes2

He's 4 he is not going to care what room he has - ask the two older boys what room they would prefer. Maybe they will feel more at home if they have choice. I find it hard to believe there is not much in the space since you seem to be arguing quite hard that your 4 year old gets the bigger room.
I guess I just don't see why he automatically shouldn't.

I've said in my previous posts there is about a metres width in difference.

I don't see why it should'nt be my son's room. He's been told for the past year it'll be his room, it's being decorated how he asked for it etc.. regardless of his age I think it's cruel to go back on that now just "because".

OP posts:
Jibberjabberhutt · 24/11/2021 20:09

I cannot understand some posters suggesting it’s cruel to leave two boys in their existing room, which has been decorated and kitted out especially for them and what they wanted, but it’s not cruel to tell a small boy he’s going to get a new room to decorate, having bunked in with his parents for ages and then renege on it and give it to his older brothers.

Chocolatewheatos · 24/11/2021 20:10

So much faffing for such a small difference. Older children have less stuff anyway. I'd say a younger child should have a bigger room. DS hasn't had any space the last year. The boys room is already decorated. They're not going to complain their room is slightly smaller. They're going to complain about the upheaval.

julieca · 24/11/2021 20:12

Older children do not have less stuff. Especially two children.

FindingMeno · 24/11/2021 20:15

Has anyone asked the dss's?
Perhaps they wouldn't spend much time in the room if it was shared, so wouldn't mind?
I think they should be involved.

Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:16

@FindingMeno

Has anyone asked the dss's? Perhaps they wouldn't spend much time in the room if it was shared, so wouldn't mind? I think they should be involved.
I don't get why they should get a choice though? The son was promised to my son and they have known this since the day we moved in. They haven't even mentioned it!
OP posts:
Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:16

The room**

OP posts:
EskSmith · 24/11/2021 20:18

All these "they've got 2 rooms" reasons are absolute rubbish. I can tell you that as a teen living between 2 houses is tough. You never feel settled. Imagine only sometime having access to some of your important possessions -on a schedule you have no control over. I'm certain that thes 2 boys would rather have one smaller permanent bedroom.

Teenagers (which they will both be soon) need a desk each- set up as their own workspace.
It is obviou that the 2 sharing should share the bigger room. This idea of your 4 year old being disappointed is your own projection. Set up his own room for him and he will be delighted - he won't care which one it is -unless you tell him to care, or unless there is another differentiator between the two rooms you are not mentioning.

TrulyPistoff · 24/11/2021 20:19

Yes chain them to the door, bribe them with sweets, games and no rules. They are acting like teenagers, teenagers do this.

Where did I say bribe them? Confused And a 10-year old is not a teenager.

FindingMeno · 24/11/2021 20:20

Why shouldn't they be involved in discussion?
Perhaps an idea will come up, like chair beds if they're only there 2 nights a week.
By the time your ds is in secondary school I doubt both dss's will be coming to stay at the same time anyway, if not sooner.

Iloveacurry · 24/11/2021 20:20

Your DS should have it. It sounds like your DSS had their room decorated just a year ago, do you really want to decorate it again so soon?

EskSmith · 24/11/2021 20:22

"I've said in my previous posts there is about a metres width in difference." A metres width is actually quite significant. Long term it's unlikely they are going to be happy to stick with bunkbeds. They are already the ones comprising by sharing, you are asking them to compromise again by having the smallest room. Not fair.

FindingMeno · 24/11/2021 20:22

And going by what you say, op,it seems that with discussion they may well be happy about going with the original plan, and your dh won't feel the guilts.
Win- win.

candlelightsatdawn · 24/11/2021 20:29

This idea of your 4 year old being disappointed is your own projection

The irony of this being said when quite a few posters are ignoring the fact that the SC are perfectly happy and have known about this for a year and still making out the SM is some type of wicked stepmum.

Tbh if this was my DH I would be disappointed in him too. The bigger elephant in the room his his reaction.

Only on MN

Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:33

Why shouldn't they be involved in discussion?

A discussion about what? It was never up for discussion. The plan was as it is and they were perfectly happy with it and still are. They are not expecting to switch rooms or have even hinted that they want to. Why would we now be like sorry DS your brothers get first dibs on it now but if they don't want it you can it. They literally had their room decorated a year ago to exactly how they wanted it, new furniture, a desk, a sofa chair, TV etc.. they are not going without.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 24/11/2021 20:34

I'm quite amused at all this angst at the "sacrifices" this 4 year old has made, with his resultant mega "disappointment" at a sub optimal outcome.
He's 4. He won't be able to tell one room from the other once his bed is installed.
The drama 😂

Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:35

I could understand them being involved in a discussion about who gets what room when we first moved in but not after a year of already having their room and it being decorated not long ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyWind · 24/11/2021 20:37

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm quite amused at all this angst at the "sacrifices" this 4 year old has made, with his resultant mega "disappointment" at a sub optimal outcome. He's 4. He won't be able to tell one room from the other once his bed is installed. The drama 😂
And on the opposite side I'm not sure what huge difference people think an extra metre of room twice a week will make to my step children who haven't even asked for it.

There's been talk of them being squashed in, comprising etc.. that's also just a tad dramatic 🤣

OP posts:
EskSmith · 24/11/2021 20:40

Like it or not sharing a room when your DS is not IS compromising, even if they happily accept it, in fact especially if they happily accept it, as they would need to feel secure to kick up a fuss.

FindingMeno · 24/11/2021 20:42

In that case, if you don't want to discuss it, say no to your dh and put up with him having the guilts.

expat101 · 24/11/2021 20:44

Was this a new house to you all at the start? Because if you have ended up living in DH's original family home, the DSS's should keep the bedroom they have had all along.

But if its new to all of you, is it possible DH's x and the mother of the sons has mentioned the boys have commented to her about the arrangement?

Amberflames · 24/11/2021 20:44

@Starcaller

If the space gain is really so negligible then it seems a pointless exercise then!
It’s clearly not negligible otherwise they wouldn’t be arguing over it…
Datsandcogs · 24/11/2021 20:50

So DS inhabits his room every night, 7 nights in a week. DSSs, 2 of them, are there 2 nights per week, so the room has 4 sleep per week. DS has shared with you through renovations and been promised the room.

1 room has 7 sleeps per week and the other (shared) 4 sleeps per week. The bigger room should go to DS, undoubtedly.