To think DS should get the bigger room?

[JulyWind]

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

@BeyondOurReef its not about a threat, there is none. Its simply trying to facilitate a welcoming environment for when teenagers can choose whether to come or not.
@julywind if that is true then why not just talk to the SDC? If they confirm they don't want to move, then no drama.

@julywind if that is true then why not just talk to the SDC? If they confirm they don't want to move, then no drama.

Because I don't get why it should be their choice. They've known for an entire year this was the plan, it's been half decorated! I'm not going to turn around now and be like 'oh actually let's just check that your brothers wouldn't prefer this room instead'.

Not everything has to be their decision to make imo, nor should it be.

@JulyWind I can kind of understand his panic. As kids get to teenage years they can choose whether to have contact or not. That is obviously scary for the non-resident parent as it can be easy to lose touch with teenagers and struggle to get any closeness back.

[quote julieca]@BeyondOurReef yes I am coming at this from my own background which I have shared. Because the assumption is always that if stepchildren are not treated fairly it has no impact on the children born of the second marriage, and that isn't true. It affects all the children involved.
If the step DC are really genuinely fine with this okay. But if that is the case I wonder why the OPs DP is raising concerns.[/quote]
But you are ignoring anything that doesn’t fit your weird projection.

The husband, as the op has explained, tends to overcompensate out of guilt in relation to his older children. So actually, the child who lives in the house full time has been missing out. And, just as he’s about to get a bedroom, daddy wants to give the room he’s been told will be his to his other children because daddy has decided that it’s the better room. What a brilliant way to make it clear that he’s not actually as important as then.

If the OP had been whatever you think your mother was, surely she’d have insisted that her child had a bedroom and the stepkids slept on a sofa bed or something 2 nights a week. But they’ve had a nice room, decorated for them, the entire time.

[quote julieca]@JulyWind I can kind of understand his panic. As kids get to teenage years they can choose whether to have contact or not. That is obviously scary for the non-resident parent as it can be easy to lose touch with teenagers and struggle to get any closeness back.[/quote]
Of course I get why he feels that way. But I don't think it needs to be bought into every time especially when the kids are fine!

@JulyWind it doesn't have to be their choice. I don't have step DC of my own but I do have teenagers and for good parenting, you have to talk to teenagers rather than dictate. It doesn't work otherwise. Its not like having young kids, you do need to involve them in discussions.

I don't see what good it would do anyone to reinforce the way DH feels/acts sometimes by going along with it every time he feels a bit of unrealistic/unnecessary guilt or panic.

[quote julieca]@BeyondOurReef its not about a threat, there is none. Its simply trying to facilitate a welcoming environment for when teenagers can choose whether to come or not.
@julywind if that is true then why not just talk to the SDC? If they confirm they don't want to move, then no drama.[/quote]
It is (and would become) a threat. It’s operating out of fear that actually your own children don’t love you enough that they would want to see you unless there’s enough in it for them.

Like many children whose parents divorced, I didn’t even have a bedroom at my dad’s flat. I either slept on the sofa or I stayed with my grandparents. I still saw him every second weekend until I was an adult.

You are mistaking firming a warm relationship with your children with material stuff.

[quote julieca]@JulyWind it doesn't have to be their choice. I don't have step DC of my own but I do have teenagers and for good parenting, you have to talk to teenagers rather than dictate. It doesn't work otherwise. Its not like having young kids, you do need to involve them in discussions.[/quote]
I'm not dictating anything though. If they'd asked and I'd dictated it was DS's room then that would be dictating but as it is now this has always been the plan, since we moved in, they have known this, no one has said anything about it, no one is bothered (apart from DH) there had been no discussion about it now because it would be unnecessary to have one now.

@JulyWind

I don't see what good it would do anyone to reinforce the way DH feels/acts sometimes by going along with it every time he feels a bit of unrealistic/unnecessary guilt or panic.

No. And creating a situation where the older boys recognise that dad will basically give in to things because of his fear and guilt is awful for everyone.

They’ve got a nice room. Your husband is being ridiculous. He should calm down and consider some therapy if he’s struggling with residual divorced dad guilt.

The room isn’t any bigger than it was a year ago, unless the walls have been moved. It’s just got a bit more floor space now but the cupboard that was knocked out and could have been used for storage will presumably now need to be replaced with a storage unit. Your DH is being ridiculous and your DS should get the room he was promised. There’s so little difference in it that the older boys won’t care.

And in your suggestion, if I say "actually DS, this room turned out a bit better than we thought so I'm going to give your brothers the choice before you if they want it" and they say "yeah actually we'll have this one", everyone is just supposed to be happy with that and go along with it? Why?

There's such talk on here about treating step children like family and yet people advocate for giving them a hell of a lot more sway over decisions, more so than any other child in a family would typically get as some sort of compensation. It's hardly treating them fairly is it.

@PeachCottonTree

The room isn’t any bigger than it was a year ago, unless the walls have been moved. It’s just got a bit more floor space now but the cupboard that was knocked out and could have been used for storage will presumably now need to be replaced with a storage unit. Your DH is being ridiculous and your DS should get the room he was promised. There’s so little difference in it that the older boys won’t care.

Exactly, the only difference is we've knocked the cupboard through, which we were toying with using as storage space but decided to get rid of.

@JulyWind

And in your suggestion, if I say "actually DS, this room turned out a bit better than we thought so I'm going to give your brothers the choice before you if they want it" and they say "yeah actually we'll have this one", everyone is just supposed to be happy with that and go along with it? Why?

Presumably because your son only has one home. There’s no fear he might decide the service and amenities are insufficient and not come any more. So it’s ok to tell him that he gets whatever is left over once his brothers have chosen. He’s too little and couldn’t do anything about it anyway.

I mean: seriously. Telling people to be really careful and let fear dictate how you parent nonresident teenagers is a terrible idea.

I wouldn’t. I’d say we’ve told ds this will be his room for a year, how can you justify going back on that? Your boys haven’t had to bunk in with us for a year waiting for a bedroom, and you wouldn’t think that’s ok for a moment. I’m not suddenly going to tell my son oh we’ve suddenly realised that room is too nice so you can’t have it, he’s not a second class citizen in this house who doesn’t ever get anything nice unless his brothers have at least as much. They do remember things at that age!!

The shared room should be the bigger one. Or at least, it should be offered.

If additional desk space is needed wouldn’t it be sensible to have that downstairs anyway? Somewhere so they could work separately if they need to, or alongside other family members if they want company while they do school work and where internet access can be appropriately supervised.

Would it be worth putting desk space downstairs? Or even just something like a charging station in the kitchen/main family space? Not because they need it particularly but because it might mean your husband sees you hearing his concerns and you making additional space for your stepchildren while not allowing your child to always be put last. And you can point out this set up allows him to help his children without having to invade their space because it encourages them into the shared family space.