To think DS should get the bigger room?

[JulyWind]

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

@JulyWind that was very unfair. No I was not desperate to think of it as a box room. I was envisaging an ordinary size double bedroom which is a challenge as they grow into teenagers.
My two nephews shared an ordinary size double bedroom, there was no choice. They also had a bunk bed to provide more space in the room. But it was tough for them in their teenage years sharing bunk beds and a double room. Two teenage boys do take up a lot of room.

[quote julieca]@JulyWind that was very unfair. No I was not desperate to think of it as a box room. I was envisaging an ordinary size double bedroom which is a challenge as they grow into teenagers.
My two nephews shared an ordinary size double bedroom, there was no choice. They also had a bunk bed to provide more space in the room. But it was tough for them in their teenage years sharing bunk beds and a double room. Two teenage boys do take up a lot of room.[/quote]
And one extra metre will change that drastically will it? OP can't magic up an extra 50ft. There are plenty of children who share rooms growing up, sharing a double bedroom is really not a hardship or unique.

@LemonySnickery A metre width is a big difference. The minimum double bedroom size in UK is 2.74 x 2.9m. It sounds like the bedroom in this case may be bigger, but 1 metre extra width will be noticeable.
That doesn't mean DS should definitely not have the room, but there is a lot of minimisation of what SDC face. Its a tough position for them.

I actually imagine once everything was in the new room, the one additional metre would be barely noticeable in terms of actual useable space. They'd still have to share. Unless you're about to suggest OPs son sleep in with her forever so they can have a room each. It wouldn't surprise me.

Its a tough position for them

No. It's not. It's not a unique or uncommon position at all for children to share a room with a sibling. It's not tough. If that's your definition of a tough childhood then I think that's incredibly ridiculous and privileged.

I have a friend who's children have to share a room whilst she sleeps on her sofa because all she can afford is a bedsit.

It's a joke to suggest have a metre less overall in their room "tough". It doesn't need minimising. It's already a minor issue.

What do your step sons think? I think that is the most important thing.

We recently moved rooms around for the same reason- previously SSs aged 13 and 15 shared the big room while 13yo DD had the box room. But they are only here EOW and don’t spend much time in their room or have much stuff here- they each have a big bedroom of their own at their mum’s. DD is a typical teenage hoarder with loads of stuff, and loves being in her room.

When we suggested the room swap ( each boy ended up with their own very small room) we explained that while the house is of course just as much their home as DD’s, they both had a ‘main’ bedroom at their mum’s house, while this one is DD’s only bedroom. They could both see the logic and were quite happy.

But, if they hadn’t been happy we wouldn’t have moved things around.

@LemonySnickery there are children in the UK who face all kinds of challenges from eating from foodbank and reduced sticker foods as their ordinary diet, to whole families living in a one-room bed and breakfast. What others have to put up with is irrelevant when there is a choice.
For me the number one priority would be talking to the SDC about what happens next. Because you want them to continue visiting and staying over with their dad. Teenage years are a time when many SDC drift away and no longer see their dad at all or rarely. So I would be prioritising how to keep that relationship going smoothly. And I don't think you do that by not even talking to SDC about house arrangements.

[quote julieca]@Inertia A 13-year-old and 10 year old were never going to be sharing a bedroom with OP and their dad. Its not a case of being lucky, they simply would not have stayed over if that was the only sleeping option.[/quote]
They still got the better deal though. An actual room as opposed to not having one.

Are you just determined to see these boys as poor neglected urchins because their stepmother has posted?

What was the Dc set up before you moved in?

Together. I mean

What do your step sons think? I think that is the most important thing

Why would it be the most important thing what the step children think? They aren't being asked to leave their room. They already have one and already knew their brother was getting the other. Why do they need to be asked if that's okay? As far as I can tell there has been no suggestion from them that they are unhappy with the situation. Why on earth do people think they need to be asked if it's alright?

[quote julieca]@LemonySnickery there are children in the UK who face all kinds of challenges from eating from foodbank and reduced sticker foods as their ordinary diet, to whole families living in a one-room bed and breakfast. What others have to put up with is irrelevant when there is a choice.
For me the number one priority would be talking to the SDC about what happens next. Because you want them to continue visiting and staying over with their dad. Teenage years are a time when many SDC drift away and no longer see their dad at all or rarely. So I would be prioritising how to keep that relationship going smoothly. And I don't think you do that by not even talking to SDC about house arrangements.[/quote]
Ah… Disney dad apologism.

Yes. Let’s make sure that we make all decisions out of fear that, if everything isn’t exactly as they want it, and they aren’t prioritized every time, the nonresident children will decide they don’t want to come any more.

The resident child matters less because no ones scared he’ll fuck off elsewhere.

That sets up a really useful power dynamic in a family.

[quote julieca]@LemonySnickery there are children in the UK who face all kinds of challenges from eating from foodbank and reduced sticker foods as their ordinary diet, to whole families living in a one-room bed and breakfast. What others have to put up with is irrelevant when there is a choice.
For me the number one priority would be talking to the SDC about what happens next. Because you want them to continue visiting and staying over with their dad. Teenage years are a time when many SDC drift away and no longer see their dad at all or rarely. So I would be prioritising how to keep that relationship going smoothly. And I don't think you do that by not even talking to SDC about house arrangements.[/quote]
Yes I'm sure an extra metre in their room will make all the difference to them deciding whether to come or not.

You're making an issue out of nothing because it involves step children.

@theremustonlybeone

What was the Dc set up before you moved in?

Why do you assume that the OP moved in? Maybe it’s a house they bought together. Maybe they moved into her house.

Or can you just not imagine a situation in which the stepmother isn’t an unwanted interloper?

@LemonySnickery no need for snark. And of course it is a tough position for SDC. It is nothing really to do with 1 metre, it is everything to do with SDC feeling welcome and part of the family and like their needs are taken seriously. Having SDC is a tough situation and you can't simply ignore the emotions involved and expect everything to run smoothly.
I am the equivalent of OPs DS. I saw how my step sister and brothers needs were ignored and sidelined by my mum who always argued successfully for me and my sister to be put first. Which we were, every time. I was happy with that as a child.
The result is my SDB and SDS have nothing to do with my dad or me and my sister. And yes I am sad about that.
My mum would have given me the large room and I would have been happy at the time. But sometimes family is more important in the long run than a room.

[quote julieca]@LemonySnickery no need for snark. And of course it is a tough position for SDC. It is nothing really to do with 1 metre, it is everything to do with SDC feeling welcome and part of the family and like their needs are taken seriously. Having SDC is a tough situation and you can't simply ignore the emotions involved and expect everything to run smoothly.
I am the equivalent of OPs DS. I saw how my step sister and brothers needs were ignored and sidelined by my mum who always argued successfully for me and my sister to be put first. Which we were, every time. I was happy with that as a child.
The result is my SDB and SDS have nothing to do with my dad or me and my sister. And yes I am sad about that.
My mum would have given me the large room and I would have been happy at the time. But sometimes family is more important in the long run than a room.[/quote]
The amount of projection here is enormous.

@theremustonlybeone

What was the Dc set up before you moved in?

We owned a house together before this and they shared a bedroom, DS had the box room.

We moved here because it had two doubles and an attic conversion which is basically another double which me and DH have.

The first double was given to DSC when we moved in (and is actually bigger than the room they had at our last house by quite a bit!), They were very happy about it, helped us paint and decorate, chose their furniture. They were given the option of having separate beds but didn't want them, there is enough space for them to separate the bunk beds though if they ever wanted to in the future.

The second bedroom has a few issues which needed sorting which we told DS would be his 'big boys room' when it was renovated so he slept in with us until we'd finished it and I've already started decorating it for him.

DSS's have never been unhappy with this suggestion or made any hints even since the rooms been done that they want to swap, they've even helped is pick some stuff out for it with DS (who they adore!).

They really aren't some poor neglected children.

@BeyondOurReef no they did not get a better deal with a room as opposed to sharing a room with the parents. The 13 year old and 10 year old were never going to share a bedroom with their step mum and dad, they simply would not have stayed over.

[quote julieca]@LemonySnickery no need for snark. And of course it is a tough position for SDC. It is nothing really to do with 1 metre, it is everything to do with SDC feeling welcome and part of the family and like their needs are taken seriously. Having SDC is a tough situation and you can't simply ignore the emotions involved and expect everything to run smoothly.
I am the equivalent of OPs DS. I saw how my step sister and brothers needs were ignored and sidelined by my mum who always argued successfully for me and my sister to be put first. Which we were, every time. I was happy with that as a child.
The result is my SDB and SDS have nothing to do with my dad or me and my sister. And yes I am sad about that.
My mum would have given me the large room and I would have been happy at the time. But sometimes family is more important in the long run than a room.[/quote]
I don't get where all these heightened emotions and needs are that you keep talking about. You make it sound like my step kids are crying about the lack of space they have and are looking longingly at my son's huge room whilst they sleep in a tiny one. It's so far from the truth it's laughable. If you knew them and our family you'd really understand how they absolutely are treated like family and are happy, they have a fantastic relationship with their brother (who even goes to their Mum's house for tea sometimes!!).

No no no!

Stand your ground, that is for your DS end of story. Majority of the time wins the vote

Ok, I think if they genuinely haven’t expressed any discontent then leave things as they are.

One other solution, which many years ago me and exH did when we lived in a 2 bed house with 2 double rooms is that we took the small double and the DC had the bigger double. That way all their toys stayed in their room. Just a thought!

@BeyondOurReef yes I am coming at this from my own background which I have shared. Because the assumption is always that if stepchildren are not treated fairly it has no impact on the children born of the second marriage, and that isn't true. It affects all the children involved.
If the step DC are really genuinely fine with this okay. But if that is the case I wonder why the OPs DP is raising concerns.

[quote julieca]@BeyondOurReef no they did not get a better deal with a room as opposed to sharing a room with the parents. The 13 year old and 10 year old were never going to share a bedroom with their step mum and dad, they simply would not have stayed over.[/quote]
Again, you are assuming that the threat of not coming should dictate everything. That is not a healthy way to run any kind of family. And not good for nonresident children in the least.

They got a room. Their half sibling got no room. He got to share with his parents. While their room sat empty the vast majority of the time.

So now the younger child gets a room. He lives there all the time. He’s considerably younger than them. He’s a half sibling; they’re full siblings who have always lived with each other.

If the older boys decide that having a slightly smaller room is a reason to cut contact with their father, then there’s something much worse at work than a bedroom.

But if that is the case I wonder why the OPs DP is raising concerns

I think he over compensates sometimes, and often unnecessarily because the children aren't even upset about said situation (something I've already said earlier in the thread).

We've had situations before where we've gone out for the day somewhere basic (not like a big attraction or day out), and he'll sort of panic / feel guilty that he's doing something fun without DSC, even though they are with their Mum and even though we do lots together as well. I think his automatic reaction sometimes is just panic/guilt even when it doesn't need to be because the kids haven't even noticed or care. It's often his issue, not theirs.