To think DS should get the bigger room?

[JulyWind]

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

@expat101

Was this a new house to you all at the start? Because if you have ended up living in DH's original family home, the DSS's should keep the bedroom they have had all along.

But if its new to all of you, is it possible DH's x and the mother of the sons has mentioned the boys have commented to her about the arrangement?

It was new to us all a year ago (we also had a house before that together as well, neither of them the former family home).

the DSS's should keep the bedroom they have had all along

And that's what I'm saying they do, it's DH who thinks they should move.

@Datsandcogs

So DS inhabits his room every night, 7 nights in a week. DSSs, 2 of them, are there 2 nights per week, so the room has 4 sleep per week. DS has shared with you through renovations and been promised the room.

1 room has 7 sleeps per week and the other (shared) 4 sleeps per week. The bigger room should go to DS, undoubtedly.

I'm sure those statistics will be of great comfort to the DSS's

Op stop giving this any more thought

Give your son the room as promised
But also because he lives with you full time

Dont discuss with your dh anymore. Just put your kid in there. Today! And keep decorations for later. Put him in. So it's a done deal and no one can keep annoying you about it.

Just do it

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. Tell him it's not up for discussion, it was agreed one year ago that the third room would be your DS's room and that is the end of it.

oh dear is this another bloke who has suckered another woman who is now to be responsible for is DC to be comfortable during visits. I have no doubt he was living in a bed sit and seeing his DC once a a week before he met a woman who could support his needs. Other than this scenario I dont understand why your DH is having a fit about the rooms. is he a disney style dad to his older kids

Every single thread I have ever seen with various scenarios involving SDCs, always has the step DCs coming off worse with long justifications. Every single time.

And obviously, the DS had to share with the parents. A 3-year-old in a bedroom with parents is very different to a teenager.

@julieca

Every single thread I have ever seen with various scenarios involving SDCs, always has the step DCs coming off worse with long justifications. Every single time.

What is so awful about their situation in this scenario? They have a big bedroom, decorated exactly how they wanted it, with room for the things they need and want. How you have come to the conclusion that they are hard done by I really don't know.

Yanbu the room was always going to be your 4yo. Carry on decorating and stick to the plan. At that age they have bigger toys and will start to play more in his room over the next few years.

@JulyWind because there is zero discussion about this with the SDC and zero consideration about whether sleepovers are happening a lot because of how they feel, and whether they might want sleepovers with friends in OPs house.
By the time DCs get into their teenage years, you have to talk about things, not just dictate.
And 1 metre extra width is a lot. OP is minimising the benefits.

What is so awful about their situation in this scenario? They have a big bedroom, decorated exactly how they wanted it, with room for the things they need and want. How you have come to the conclusion that they are hard done by I really don't know.
So how would your ds be hard done by in a room supposedly fine for two?

@JulyWind they have a double bedroom, you don't know if it is big. A double bedroom can be variable in size.

Christ, the stepsons are NOT being hard done to !

They had the double bedroom which was available, and have it furnished and decorated according to their needs and choices. What on earth would be the point of redecorating that room again, and undoing the work already done in the new room? I’m sure they’re happy that they haven’t had to bunk in with their Dad for a year of building work.

I’ve been the visiting teenage stepchild. I lost my bedroom at Dad’s completely as new siblings arrived, ended up on the sofa bed in his study. The sky didn’t fall in.

What is so awful about their situation in this scenario? They have a big bedroom, decorated exactly how they wanted it, with room for the things they need and want. How you have come to the conclusion that they are hard done by I really don't know

Because people see what they want to see and project whatever trauma/issues they have on to the internet. It says more about them than it does anything else I wouldn't be concerned .

I have seen unreasonable SP posts about SC and called it out.I have seen SP being flamed for things that aren't unreasonable because they are in a step family and people have this weird thing to try make make people apologise for being part of a blended family.

They only see what fits in with their narrative.

Human bias is normal, to pretend there is only one version of things is not only ignorant but a sign that the poster has some issues they haven't resolved. If they aren't a step parent but lurk on step parenting boards there's usually a reason and rarely it's to do with any posts they comment on.

I was a step child btw and I wouldn't have given a diddly tbh.

@julieca

Every single thread I have ever seen with various scenarios involving SDCs, always has the step DCs coming off worse with long justifications. Every single time.

Well that's quite clearly your bias speaking, isn't it, because there are a great deal of threads where that isn't the case.

But its not 1 metre extra all over just where the cupboard was? It was originally the smaller and now its fractionally bigger its not significantly bigger no cupboard is ever going to make such a significant difference

@Inertia A 13-year-old and 10 year old were never going to be sharing a bedroom with OP and their dad. Its not a case of being lucky, they simply would not have stayed over if that was the only sleeping option.

And I am not even arguing the SDC should get the other bedroom. Simply that there has to be a conversation and exploring everyone's feelings, rather than simply dictating.

This idea of your 4 year old being disappointed is your own projection

This is incredibly ironic.

I have a DD who has just turned 3, so not even as old as OPs DS. If she had spent a year sleeping in with us while we renovated we would inevitably have had lots of conversations with her about how the room would be hers once it was done. She would have become very attached to the idea, it would be her room in her head. It is not projection at all to think that a child of that age would be confused and disappointed by the plan changing.

Meanwhile, it definitely IS projecting to think the DSC would definitely want to switch their room for a very similar one for absolutely no reason.

@GreyhoundG1rl

What is so awful about their situation in this scenario? They have a big bedroom, decorated exactly how they wanted it, with room for the things they need and want. How you have come to the conclusion that they are hard done by I really don't know. So how would your ds be hard done by in a room supposedly fine for two?

I didn't say he would be "hard done to". I don't think any of the children are what I would call hard done to! I think it would be insulting to those who genuinely are suggest they were.

It seems like everything was "explored" to the nth degree when they were decorating and furnishing the older boys room to their liking.
It's a bit shitty to turn around now and say "oh actually the other room turned out better than I thought so I think it's too good for the youngest now"

[quote julieca]@JulyWind they have a double bedroom, you don't know if it is big. A double bedroom can be variable in size.[/quote]
It's big enough for their beds, a desk, TV, wardrobe, drawers and a sofa chair and floor space. It's really not a tiny room. I know you're desperate to think of them sharing a box room but they aren't.

bunk beds are not going towork at 18 and 15- just saying!

Alsobunk beds one chair, one desk and a TV is not a big room - when exams are looming who gets t study at the desk and who gets to study on the bed.

Sorry OP - get the bys are happy now but this is a just teen anda pre teen - who are going to grow and need more space for studying.

who are going to grow and need more space for studying

And the child who lives there full time compared to their 2 days is just going to stay the same age forever are they? They aren't going to accumulate all of the things that come with being in one home all of the time, they aren't going to grow themselves/require space either?

Not sure how much difference people think 1 extra metre, on one side of the room it seems, would even make.

People are acting like they are stuck in a box room for goodness sake.

I actually think a double bedroom, with a TV, wardrobe, drawers, a chair and desk space is perfectly big enough for a children's bedroom! If that's not a big room I don't know what poster's think of all the millions of children in the world living in single bedrooms. Why not just build them their own house OP maybe then people would be satisfied that they have enough space for two days a week!

Really don't get the Mumsnet obsession with every single child in the world having a dedicated workspace, their own individual desk etc... It's crazy to me. I am sure there are people who have made it through their school years without a desk each. Jesus Christ.