To think DS should get the bigger room?

[JulyWind]

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

@Blanketpolicy

Depends on who needs the space the most. Are the teens coming up to exam years and will be studying in your house and need desks? We have found finding space for desks takes up a lot more space than toys ever did.

I never had a desk as a teenager, it's not essential, laptops can go on laps or on the dining room table.

Is the size difference obvious?

If he doesn't make a big deal of it who would know?

It isn't a perk not to have to bunk in with the op and her dh.

It's what was most appropriate at the time for their circumstances I assume the op wouldn't particularly have wanted to share her bedroom with two teen boys who aren't hers 8 nights a month so her young child could have a bedroom to themselves.

I think your dh reasoning makes sense and it isn't about putting one over the others. While my dd was a young teen she had the biggest room. Now she's a young adult and sleep overs heavy studying etc have ended she has the smaller room and our youngest has the biggest.

While she had the biggest room she also spent not far of 50/50 in her dads. Dd had space in the sitting room for her toys as she was usually played in the same room as we would be in.

Now they have switched as their needs are different. I dont as suggested on this thread love or prioritise one over the other.

I think your dh reasoning makes sense and it isn't about putting one over the others.

It might have made sense if he'd planned it that way from the start, but to get half way through decorating it after a year only to say actually no, you can't have it, you need to have the other room you haven't been bonding with in your head and we won't be redecorating it for you, is quite harsh, especially over a very small difference in size.

And if he does plan on redecorating both rooms to accommodate this then I wouldn't say his reasoning does make sense, because it's a lot more work for very little pay off.

I’ve always given the younger kid the bigger room because they’re usually the ones spreading things out to play / running round with bins on their heads. Older ones are more sedentary in bedrooms so need more floor space.

But in your case, I wouldn’t budge. Your son has been told for a long time it’s his, bless him. I bet he’s excited about it!

*less floor space

I'd have given the bigger room to the two sharing - they are already at a disadvantage by sharing, so to put them in the smaller room would seem to add insult to injury.

If the difference is minimal then YANBU

How big is your room?
If it's bigger than the one your stepsons have then I'd be saying we promised that room to X and I'm not breaking that promise but if you really think y & z need a larger room then our room is about a foot (or whatever) bigger than theirs so we can swap with them.

My betting is he'd suddenly decide their room was fine.

YANBU

The amount of hand wringing over what sounds like a nominal difference in space.

YANBU

Your husband sounds like a 🛎 end

It's a difficult situation. People always say well the step kids will have a bigger room at their mums, but what if that is not the case and they are squashed in there as well?
Also with teenagers you are getting to the age where they choose whether to visit or not. I understand your DP wont want to do anything that makes them less likely to visit.
So I think you have to look at the whole situation. I think it is more complex than the bare facts on this thread.

@aSofaNearYou no desks aren't essential. But they do help kids study better. There is a difference between managing because that is your only option, and refusing to consider a teenager's needs.

[quote julieca]@aSofaNearYou no desks aren't essential. But they do help kids study better. There is a difference between managing because that is your only option, and refusing to consider a teenager's needs.[/quote]
I was never making do, it was very rare I would have preferred to sit at a desk than comfortably on a sofa/bed so I don't really consider it a need that I would be refusing to consider. I definitely wouldn't be filling the house with multiple desks.

Did you have a sofa in your room then? Or do you mean in the living room on the sofa with the rest of the family as the TV is on?

@julieca

Did you have a sofa in your room then? Or do you mean in the living room on the sofa with the rest of the family as the TV is on?

Yes, or as I said, on my bed.

Two sharing get the bigger room, surely?
A 4 year old won't care about the relative size, once all his stuff is in it.
This is about you, not him. He won't care.

Or do you mean in the living room on the sofa with the rest of the family as the TV is on?
Yes, or as I said, on my bed.

You might have considered that "fine", but it really isn't. Especially where there is actually an option to do it better.

@aSofaNearYou So you had a big room with a sofa and bed and were happy to work on the sofa or bed? Its not really comparable to two teenagers sharing an ordinary-sized double room with two single beds in. There already wont be a lot of space.

@Chloemol

YANBU. DS is there all the time, has more stuff gets the bigger room

As DSS get older you may find they come less anyway

This^. It is clear that your husband is bending way to far in giving his sons priority over your shared son. YANBU

Oh sorry if it was in the sofa in the living room with your family and TV on, that really isn't okay if there is a better choice.
Kids make do with lots of less than ideal situations, but if we have a choice as parents, we should try to make it better.

I would give the bigger room to the 2 sharing and give the slightly smaller room to the child who was getting it for himself.

@GeorgiaGirl52 he is probably bending because he is worried this will make them come less.

what if that is not the case and they are squashed in there as well?

They aren't squashed in. Their room now is a good sized room!

And as I've said already, they already have a desk.