To think DS should get the bigger room?

[JulyWind]

3 bedrooms in our house, all are big enough to be doubles.

There is me and DH, two DSS's aged 10&13 and DS aged 4.

When we moved here (last year), the 3rd bedroom needed some work doing to it. We agreed that DSS's would have the 2nd bedroom and DS would stay with us until we finished the work that needed doing to what would become his bedroom.

We have now finished it, due to some of the works we did (namely knocking through into an old airing cupboard, it is now just slightly the bigger of the 2 children's rooms but not by any huge amount.

DH is now saying that we should swap the children over. I don't agree. I think it's fine for DS to have the bigger of the two rooms as he lives here all of the time and has a lot more "stuff" here.

DSS's stay 2 nights a week but, especially the eldest, there seems to be a lot more sleeping at friends houses etc. going on these days or spending more time out of the house rather than in.

AIBU? It's annoyed me because we always agreed this would be DS's room when the work was done, he's shared with us for the past year waiting for it to be done and I'd even started decorating it for him and don't want to faff about now for the sake of the extra size of what used to be a cupboard!

@saddosauraus

I think the 2 sharing should get the bigger room

They should have come up with that plan a year ago then rather than promising it to the youngest child all year.

Plus, have you ever experienced how much more stuff a young, RC has than an older child who is rarely around? My DSS has the largely bedroom and it is 80% filled with my DDs stuff. Not ideal at all.

Ask dh if he is always going to shove ds to the bottom of the pile..
He made an agreement with his ds. Now blatantly favouring his other dc.. What a shitty thing to do.

@Santaischeckinglists

Ask dh if he is always going to shove ds to the bottom of the pile.. He made an agreement with his ds. Now blatantly favouring his other dc.. What a shitty thing to do.

But he's never going to get it right, is he? They are all his children, the house is home to them all. He allocates the smaller room to his two older children to share - he's prioritising his youngest. He gives the older two the bigger room - he's prioritising the oldest. He can't really win.

I think as long as there isn't a ridiculous difference between the two rooms sizes, and sharing the smaller room doesn't impact the older two (I.e being able to invite friends to their home etc), then I think I'd go ahead and give the youngest child the larger room as arranged.

@JulyWind

Is the issue that your husband doesn't want to be seen as favouring your shared son?

Yes I think so, he has a tendency, imo, to over compensate a lot when it comes to this.

I'd be pointing this out to him - in a particularly pointed way! And reiterating all the facts:

1. It was agreed from the outset that this would be DS's room. This is the most important point to me - you should be able to trust DH not to backtrack on a whim.

1. DSSs' current room is "a decent sized double bedroom, decorated how they want it" and is in no way inadequate to their needs. The 3rd bedroom is NOT so much bigger as to make a difference.

1. Swapping the rooms would require both rooms be redecorated, not swapping means only redecorating one. A waste of time and money.

1. A room decorated to the taste of two 10/13 year old boys is unsuitable for a 4 year old. So a freshly decorated room has to be redone.

1. If the DSSs get to have a room decorated how they want it, DS should too. (I was unclear if you were answering 'yes' to DS getting to decorate the smaller room as he wants, or 'yes' to your husband expecting him to make do with the step sons cast offs.)

I'd be very hard on the 'overcompensating' of your husband. I don't think it is in your DSSs' interests to have a Disney Dad. They need their father to model good adult behaviour to them, not to model poor self-esteem ('If I give you everything material then will you love me?').

He doesn't get to back out of an agreement with you and cause more work/spend money unnecessarily just because he's got some unresolved guilt floating in his head. He is father to three boys, they all deserve a father who will treat them equally and fairly. Swapping like this and for this poor reason would demonstrate to all three that that is not the type of father they actually have.

The dss have an already decorated bedroom. Ds has been waiting a year for the room he was promised...
Bet the dss haven't even asked for the bigger room. And if they have they need to have some regard for the sibling. They have 2 bedrooms. Poor bairn hasn't got 1!!

I think DS was promised it and you should stick with the promise unless it's really good reason. Have DSS said they want to swap? What's the rough difference in size? If it really isn't much it probably isn't worth them moving rooms

@Santaischeckinglists

The dss have an already decorated bedroom. Ds has been waiting a year for the room he was promised... Bet the dss haven't even asked for the bigger room. And if they have they need to have some regard for the sibling. They have 2 bedrooms. Poor bairn hasn't got 1!!

I don't disagree, but what If the set up at their mums house is the same? So because they don't live their 100% of the time they also share a smaller room and a single half sibling who is there 100% of the time gets the bigger room?

Or are they still better off as they are "lucky" to have two rooms?

That's hypothetical as I don't know if that's the case, but I'm not sure I always agree with argument that step children have another room elsewhere

Plenty of dc share. My 2 x dd's have and will always share a bedroom.. Ds's shared until 1 moved out!! It isn't a hardship. Where would they be sleeping 5 nights a week at dm's? Lounge? Doubtful.

Usually I’d say the older ones get the bigger room simply because they will spend more time in there (regardless of how many days they actually sleep at their dads etc because that could change at any time) but it sounds like there is hardly any difference in size of room and the older ones are settled in a room decorated for them etc so I’d probably stick to the plan. Have you checked with oh that the one wanting to sleep elsewhere isn’t feeling bad about the bedroom situation? Because if having the bigger room would make him more likely to want to stay at dads then that would change things for me. Tbh with the age difference your younger child will have his pick of the rooms by the time he is old enough to really care which room he has so it wouldn’t be a hill to die on in my opinion.

No way. Your husband is behind unreasonable

@saddosauraus

I think the 2 sharing should get the bigger room

Generally yes but not when they are only there two days a week.

If there was a significant difference in size then of course your stepchildren should have the larger room, given that they are sharing.

But since the size difference is small, it doesn’t make sense to move everybody around now.

Stick to your original plan. One of Dss is going to an adult in a few years. Your son has over a decade living permanently in your home.

An 18 years old man is not going to bunk at dad’s every weekend.

I'd stand firm. The agreement was made and should be stuck to, imo! Your husband needs to get over this need to overcompensate. It could cause bigger problems as the boys get older.

You carry on with what you said. I mean really. Moving 2 kids stuff and redecorating just because the room is a tiny bit bigger. Do the kids even care?
In the alternative, I would give him til Saturday evening to move everything into the rooms he wants and then decorate whichever one I'd empty on Sunday

No, it's your sons room as arranged. He had to share and has been waiting for this, his own room. The step sons are only using their rooms as a base 2 days a week, therefore their main stuff resides in their other bedrooms. Stick to it, this is your son's room.

Your DS should get the bigger room. He lives there full time and is also younger so will have far more toys and belongings in your house.

Do the kids have any opinion on any of this? There might be some reason they like one room over another besides space, eg noise or view out of the window or some other thing that matters to kids but adults barely notice.

You and DH should stick to your promise to youngest son, after all he is the one who has been putting up with camping in your room. Only exception to this would be if he would actually prefer the other room AND other sons are happy to move.

I think having three double bedrooms is more than many (perhaps most?) families have, so it would be very sad to fall out over them. Just stick with the plan, which I assume until recently was accepted by all.

@EnidFrighten

Do the kids have any opinion on any of this? There might be some reason they like one room over another besides space, eg noise or view out of the window or some other thing that matters to kids but adults barely notice.

I don't know, I don't think he's asked them and I haven't. I don't see any need to, they knew this was going to be DS's room and haven't said anything.

All of this angst over a cupboard sized space?!

Any of them moving into the room will need a cupboard anyway! More so the 4 yo for games etc.

Why would you go to the expense of decorating 2 rooms to enable the swap when just one will be fine?!

Stick to your guns !

Yanbu. Teenagers tend to have less tat and toys, they don't need loads of space

The two eldest have had the perk of not having to bunk in with you two for the last year.

Now the room is ready, they also get the perk of the bigger room? Even though their current room is perfectly fine.

Your husband is a knob for overlooking his youngest like this.

When I was a kid we solved this by giving the larger bedroom to my sister who was much more untidy than me in the hopes that it might solve the untidiness by giving her more space (it did not), so perhaps giving the messiest child the largest room could settle it!

Depends on who needs the space the most. Are the teens coming up to exam years and will be studying in your house and need desks? We have found finding space for desks takes up a lot more space than toys ever did.