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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

225 replies

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:22

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

ToykotoLosAngeles · 22/11/2021 22:26

I'd have been annoyed if my DH missed ours, not least in case of bad news, but if you have had one 3 weeks ago and everything was fine then I'd probably dial back the annoyance a little bit.

The main thing that would irritate me is him saying the other party couldn't do another time - well, your DH can't do these days either without missing significant personal commitments.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 22/11/2021 22:28

You’re defo not being unreasonable to be upset - mainly because he had 8 weeks to get this in his diary and he failed. If he is bright enough to earn £100k then he can surely cope with the basics of organising his diary! Or does he have a PA? Might be better going through them next time. Although I kinda get the impression that he just wasn’t that bothered?

Hankunamatata · 22/11/2021 22:31

You had a scan at 17 weeks with him there? I would be too fussed about having him at 20 week scan. Dh didnt come to any of mine as he works away Monday to Friday.

EwwSprouts · 22/11/2021 22:31

You may feel upset but he came to a scan with you only three weeks ago. More than a bit upset is a little dramatic as everything was fine at that one. Save wanting him to take time out of work for when your twins arrive.

SparrowNest · 22/11/2021 22:32

My husband missed most of my scans because of work with my first, and with my second he hasn’t been to any because he’s been looking after our toddler.

It didn’t bother me personally, but you aren’t being unreasonable to feel differently, and as you’ve explained you gave him lots of notice.

minipie · 22/11/2021 22:34

I would be upset too OP.

I’m a little concerned you say that he encouraged you to stop work, and that you planned to go back after maternity leave but you can’t due to childcare costs - even though he earns £100k. Nursery costs would be double but a nanny costs the same for twins as for one baby, and you can clearly afford a nanny as a family. Yes you might be working at a loss for a while but not forever. Do you want to go back to work? If you do, do it!

He seems to be setting up a 1950s set up where he is at work all the time and you are tied to babies and home. If that’s not what you want, put your foot down now as once you’re in that set up it gets harder to get out. I’m not saying he’s horrible, it may be entirely unconscious but it does seem to be how he thinks things should work.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/11/2021 22:35

It’s reasonable to be upset.
Equally, there might be a good reason why he couldn’t make it. But from what you say he isn’t good at admin.
Now your roles are splitting communication is going to be key. Talk to him in a calm way, and out something practical in place like a shared electronic calendar and task manager. When you have twins you will need some time off so he will have to do some evening chores and give you a lie in at the weekend. Think now how all this will work, eg do you need a cleaner etc. The ‘he can run a business why can’t he look at his diary’ is a valid argument, but it will be easier if between you you build an easy system.

Boy/girl twins is very exciting!

BurntO · 22/11/2021 22:36

Hmmm I see your point. Many people work in jobs where it’s just not possible. OH missed x 2 of my scans as he couldn’t get the time off. However I’d be more upset if there was availability and it was his own lack of planning and organisation that meant he missed it as that just feels uncaring.

vdbfamily · 22/11/2021 22:37

I agree that if you both attended a scan 3 weeks ago there is not a great need for him to attend this one too.

PeachesPumpkin · 22/11/2021 22:38

No. My husband couldn’t come to my scans because he was working. I understood he had to work. Not everyone can get time off work.

CaramelWaferAndTea · 22/11/2021 22:38

You’re having twins so will have lots more scans, but I would sit down and explain how this made you feel and that you’d like him to come to some of the scans and appointments coming up, and be there when the twins are born.

My husband gained nothing from scans and came to my private 12 week, and then my 20 week scan under duress last time. This time, he only came to the 10 week scan and then has not been back since (I had about four early scans due to history, a 12 and a 20 week, and haven’t even told him about my growth scans…!). But he will be there at the birth and he’s brilliant with DS. I don’t think he really gets it to be honest- the baby inside is more of a concept than a person to him, but he’s a great dad.

BigFatLiar · 22/11/2021 22:38

Depends. If he was meeting a client who could only do that time then its understandable though I can see why your upset.

He may have all these ideas why he needs to work to provide but if its at the cost of the family relationship then it may be time for you to talk. Perhaps a change in work even if it means downsizing and pay cuts would be in your interest. Living in a small semi with a dad who's there may be better than a big house and garden with a dad who's always at work.

WalkingOnSonshine · 22/11/2021 22:41

I do think you are being a little unreasonable, particularly as PP have pointed out that he was there a couple of weeks ago.

DH wasn’t able to come to any of my scans last year, and they weren’t running many private ones, so he sadly missed out but it is what it is - sometimes life gets in the way.

With the extra detail you’ve put in there about work though, I feel like this is not just about him missing the scan.

Original poster

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:41

I think he’s sort of decided in his head that it’s my job to grow the kids/sort the house out and his job to pay for it.
I think he had every intention of coming to the scan, but when VIP man said ‘can we meet on Tuesday and Wednesday next week’ he’s just said yes without looking in his diary, and the scan didn’t register as important enough to stick in his head to even check what day it was before he accepted the meeting.
He does have a PA type person, but she’s more for booking travel arrangements and sending invoices than managing his diary, he tends to do that himself.
And yes, it is reassuring that we saw the twins three weeks ago and I think that’s made this scan less important to him. I am quite anxious about this pregnancy and he does know that. I worry about every scan from about three days after the previous one!
His best friend’s wife lost their baby at 24 weeks, so it’s not like he doesn’t know that terrible things can happen.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2021 22:42

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm.

StrawBeretMoose · 22/11/2021 22:42

The scan 3 weeks ago sounds like a private scan to find out the sex of the babies.
The 20 week anomaly scan is a detailed medical appointment and I'd be annoyed if a DH who could be there missed it because he'd double booked.

I know that some people don't have the luxury of their partner being able to accompany them but this sounds like it's of his own doing.

Also as a PP says I'd be wary of him trying to tie you to the home and childcare.

daisypond · 22/11/2021 22:42

My DH didn’t come to the 20 week scan. Your DH came to the 17 week scan. I don’t think he needs to be at the 20 week one. Loads of people wouldn’t be able to get time off work for this, surely.

GruntBaby · 22/11/2021 22:43

If it's possible (i.e. he has some autonomy, which people usually do have when earning that much), I would expect my baby's father to go the scan. Not necessarily for oohing and aahhhing, but because there is sadly always the chance of receiving difficult news and they need to be there ready to support you.

The 20 week scan is one where they look for a wide range of issues. Giving him the benefit of doubt, perhaps your OH doesn't realise this.

The one scan my DH didn't make it to was the one where I learnt that both I and my baby had dangerous complications. I'm grateful the news wasn't something worse but it was still hard to deal with, pregnant and alone, and plan next steps.

lisaandalan · 22/11/2021 22:44

No x

Marvellousmadness · 22/11/2021 22:45

Its just a scan.
Yabu. Especially cause he saw the babies on a scan 3 weeks ago
You can just show him the scans when you are home.

BurntO · 22/11/2021 22:46

I agree the scan you attended 3 weeks ago is very far from the 20 week scan now. They have very different purposes. Are these your first?

Can you have an open chat about this oversight and explain how you feel and set expectations for when they arrive?

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2021 22:47

@daisypond

My DH didn’t come to the 20 week scan. Your DH came to the 17 week scan. I don’t think he needs to be at the 20 week one. Loads of people wouldn’t be able to get time off work for this, surely.

But he could.

It was his bad planning

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2021 22:47

@Marvellousmadness

Its just a scan. Yabu. Especially cause he saw the babies on a scan 3 weeks ago You can just show him the scans when you are home.

Just?

CaddieDawg · 22/11/2021 22:48

I'd be upset by this too. Not so much the missing the scan but it sounds like he's made a choice and prioritised work over it, and then wasn't even going to tell you until you asked.

I'd be having a frank discussion now about how things are going to work when the babies arrive. Will he actually take any pat leave, how are household chores and parenting going to be split etc? It does sound like your accidentally stepping into 1950s housewife and/or mothering him having to tell him about an appt that many times and then check up on the day etc.

Original poster

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:49

I do accept that I might be being a bit unreasonable as we did see them three weeks ago, and I know lots of people can’t come to scans because of work.
However, he’s 100% in charge of his own diary, he’s only had six days off this year and that was when we got married, so it wasn’t completely unrealistic to have Wednesday morning off.

OP posts:

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