DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

[bollocksthemess]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

The big thing about missing the 20 week scan is that this is the anomaly scan and if there are any serious health issues with the babies this is when you would find out. You really don't want to be getting news like that when you are alone.
Scans are not just a fluffy bonding exercise.

I would be very unhappy with DH that he does not get this and is putting the welfare of you and the babies last. He needs to reassess his priorities. Has he actually told this client about the scan? If he was upfront and said why he couldn't make that time the client would probably hugely respect him for properly prioritising his family.

Oh and you most definitely can afford to cover childcare to go back to work if your DH earns over £100k! Childcare is the responsibility of both parents and safeguarding your future career is important for your financial security. If he can't appreciate this be very wary.

DH didn't come to any of mine, he's a teacher.

OP, it sounds to me as if he hasn’t fully grasped the importance of the 20 week scan, or that it has a different purpose to the one you had at 17 weeks.

I think some men are less aware than others. I have a workaholic husband too and what I would say is, he went into total over-drive, work-wise, when I was pregnant. I mean, he’s always been that way inclined, but this was something else. I remember overhearing him telling a friend, “Nothing like a baby coming along and needing to put food in the table to spur you into making a success of your business.”

So maybe your DH’s head is so full with all this kind of thing, he just has selective listening?

I had four DC and I’m fairly sure DH did come to all the scans. But there’s been more than a few parents’ evenings and school things he’s missed through the years, put it that way.

I’ve been a SAHM for a loooong time. My eldest is 18 now and I was 30 when I had him!

If I were you, I would take at least the pre-school years to be with your twins. The time flies by.

After that, see how you feel and reassess. It was slightly different for me because it was 10 years between having my first and my youngest starting reception and, to be honest, in that time, DH has made so much money it made anything I could earn seem like a bit of a joke in comparison. But you’ll know what to do and when it’s right for you to make that decision.

Btw, looking after your own kids it’s not “1950s” . You’ll hardly be chained to the sink. You’ll be out and about, doing things and socialising. You have to get out of the house to keep sane! You will meet so many people. It’s hard work but probably the best years of your life. So enjoy it because it’s a privilege, it really is. Also, get a cleaner, if you don’t already have one. Sounds like your mum will be able to help you a bit?

I think, on balance, I would not throw a total wobbler over this, but I would make it very clear to him that you’re not happy AT ALL that he is missing this scan. However, with twins, you will probably have quite a few scans in the next few months. Tell him, you fully expect him to attend these and if he does not, you will not be understanding next time.

Hope the scan goes well and congratulations!

@OnGoldenPond I think it depends on OP’s salary and whether she wants to go back full time. Full time childcare for two infants where we are would be almost £3,000/month. DH’s monthly income alone after tax in this scenario is £5500 or so before pension contributions. With presumably a biggish mortgage, insurances, home renovations (assuming these have to go ahead), commuting costs and all the other bills for a family of 4 it might be tight

Would it bother me?
No, in all honesty no it wouldn't.
DH didn't come to any of my scans.

He was self employed and things weren't going to well. I didn't want to put any more pressure on him by taking him away from work when he was juggling everything else.
I don't regret it.

I would be incredibly upset if dp didn't come to the 20 week scan. The 20 week anatomy scan is where we received devestating news twice with everything seeming ok at the 12 week scans and nothing being noted on private scans a few weeks before, the third time we had a 20 week scan I was a ball of anxious mess and needed dp for support. Your DH needs to be there if there's anyway he possibly can, just in case something is found.

@1u1a based on your note I put you at approaching 50. It's a very different world right now.

OP if you want to be a SAHM then great but if you do I'd follow the advice of someone down thread and make sure DH is contributing to YOUR pension, YOUR NI, YOUR savings etc. I'm all for family money but I've seen a few too many threads on mn of SAHMs who get to late 40s/early 50s who at best are trapped In loveless marriages a worse are trying to figure out how they are going to live as DH has moved on, DC are out of the house and they have no means of re-entertaining the workplace in a meaningful way plus DH pensions and savings that they saw as "family money" are suddenly out of reach because SAHM doesn't have the 💷 to hire a lawyer so takes whatever not so DH gives her. Each to their own I guess.

Yes, full time childcare for two where we live is indeed nearly £3K a month. I don’t want to spend that with no increase in income and an actual decrease in our quality of life as we’ll be doing house stuff in our spare time rather than just spending time together. Again, we’re very fortunate to be able to make that choice.

He’s just phoned to see how we are and to tell me all about the first part of his presentation this morning. It’s gone really well apparently, he’s all excited. I’m still a bit upset he’s not coming tomorrow, but I’m going to have a chat when he’s home about what I need from him for the rest of the pregnancy and when the twins are here.
He’s always been a workaholic, as have I until now, and he’s definitely gone into overdrive since we found out I was pregnant, and even more so since we realised it was twins. I don’t think it’s coming from a bad place, he just wants to do his best for us, but I need to be a bit more black and white about what that looks like.

I don't think it's about the scan, I think it's about the fact that you don't feel like he's fully invested in the pregnancy. Which is understandably upsetting, even if it's not entirely true.

I've been to various scans on my own (including the 12 week) and I actually found that a lot easier, it meant I could focus entirely on myself. But you're the one incubating human life here, so your feelings should be a least something of a priority.

On the other hand, it's great that he's working so hard and he's so determined to make a great living for your family. I would just say - childcare is a shared cost, so don't rule out going back to work if that's something you would want to do.

I think this is how it will be, OP, unless you have a proper sit-down chat and make some big decisions. In his head he’s the busy high earner, and you’re going to stay at home and be responsible for everything with the babies, including scans, appointments, everything child-related as it won’t be on his radar, and the deal is that it’s ‘your’ job.

If that isn’t the split you want, something will have to change pronto, as twins (as you know) are going to need both parents to be present, available, have headspace for them.

I had been told that there is a risk of downs at week 16. I chose to have amnio and went alone. I am not even sure if I asked Dh to join me.

I think you need to accept that by giving up your job at only 10wks pregnant you've accepted your future role as wife and mother and that's it.
I would be upset for my husband to miss a 20wk scan but equally my husband never would because he's as much a parent to our children as I am and it was important to him. He values me and respects me as his equal - we both work, both contribute to the household and both look after our children.

I think you should relax. Enjoy your exciting scan but it's not the centre of the universe, honest. In the old days, we didn't get scans at all and I promise we still popped babies the oldfashioned way.

As for the work on house, trust me, he's right to do it now and get it out of the way. You will have no time or energy once the babies are here. You will be really, really glad you made the house as convenient and comfortable as possible BEFORE they arrived.

Boy /girl twins are going to be absolute bliss and joy (slightly biased granny here). This is YOUR time to get in training to relax, take slow deep breaths, let stuff go. Practise not sweating the little stuff :-)

Hmm tricky. DH missed 20 week scan with second because he had to look after the first. My 20 week scan this week is luckily on a school or nursery day so yes he is rearranging his work schedule to come.

Cogratulations on the twins!

I feel that I understand both of you, and both of you are right. I do understand feeling lonely and awkward being alone at the scan, but at the same time, I'm not sure that if I was in his shoes I would do anything different. Have you two talked about how he is feeling with it being twins, and if he's feeling a bit more stressed than usual? In my opinion that's the key. Good luck for everything x

You’ve had lots of scans so he hasn’t missed everything. He does sound deeply irritating and bordering on useless, organisationally. I bet he doesn’t forget things at his ‘super important’ job, though.

That being said, I was pregnant in the first lock down and had to have every scan on my own. At the 12 week one I got ‘bad’ blood results so I had to go for NIPT test. That was fine. At the 20 week scan they discovered some major abnormalities so I had to be referred to fetal medicine for an amniocentesis. I then had to have weekly bloods and scans to check development. All on my own. I’m not competing with you to prove anything, just that I didn’t have a choice and it was all ok. Not great, but we survived. Even the post CS when I was also on my own.

Also, try to remember that he attended the lovely extra scan and that the 20-week is a clinical exercise to check things, that you already know are ok.

I wouldn't be bothered about the scan I spent most of my pregnancy in a different country to DH but you keep saying you think he isn't listening to fairly key things, which is a lot more concerning.

And the 'workaholic and under pressure' thing just irritates me. He's going to have to learn to manage his time and his diary better. DH is CEO of a big organisation, and travels a lot in non-Covid times, but that in no way gives him a free pass to do any less parenting than I (also working FT) do. He will get up at an overrunning meeting and say it will have to be resumed the next day because he has to pick up his child, or diarise around a dentist visit.

This would upset me. I had bad news at my 20week scan re a heart abnormality and would’ve been awful if I was on my own.

First child here too and I've had really bad Hyperemesis Gravidarum throughout.

My husbands work are very difficult to deal with and he wasn't able to request either the 12 week or the 20 week scan off either☹️ I did feel sad being there on my own seeing everyone with their partners but I guess it was just one of those things we couldn't control.

Definitely would be worth booking a private one if you can afford it so he can have the experience too. I'd love to, but it's something I can't afford to spend with moving and baby costs too!

No, it wouldn't bother me esp as you had a scan a few weeks ago.
I did my scans in my own for other reasons but it was fine.

I’d be hurt op. I think people gloss over 20 week being anomaly scan. Surely he’d want to be there if there is anything wrong.
The 17 week was a ‘fun’ one to see sex. 20 is more serious. Even if it’s we can’t see properly or need to refer you I’d want someone with me. Can you take a friend?
I’d use it as chance to have conversation re how he sees life after babies. If he’s going to be working and you have the income a maternity nurse then mothers help might be way to go.

Reading your updates I wonder if his best friends stillbirth has really affected him and he’s staying detached in case something goes wrong. But worried to voice to you as he won’t want to worry you.

Yanbu to be upset. But you had a private scan 3 weeks ago so maybe that's his thinking. You should definitely talk to him about it tho.