DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

[bollocksthemess]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

Ps. Him being ‘high earning’ shouldn’t excuse his absence and I’m surprised so many posters are using this line. We don’t live in the 1950s anymore. If he worked in a job where it was life -or-death and he simply can’t control his schedule, fine. This doesn’t seem like that at all.

Btw lots of women are also ‘high earning’ now. Should they akso be skipping their scans because their jobs are too important?

If he won't listen to you talking then email him. A bullet point list.

Twins arriving you need to be a team.

@CaddieDawg

I'd be upset by this too. Not so much the missing the scan but it sounds like he's made a choice and prioritised work over it, and then wasn't even going to tell you until you asked.

I'd be having a frank discussion now about how things are going to work when the babies arrive. Will he actually take any pat leave, how are household chores and parenting going to be split etc? It does sound like your accidentally stepping into 1950s housewife and/or mothering him having to tell him about an appt that many times and then check up on the day etc.

This You ought to have a discussion about what the policy is going forward. ie did VIP say. "I can do Tuesday" and he just said OK then,
Or, Did VIP say I can do Tuesday and he said, I have an appointment that day And VIP really pushed him until he felt he had to give in.

There's a difference. And unfortunately if its the first one, then you really need to clarify what he's going to choose to do in future because that could be your children's birthdays or nativity play etc.
He's going to be a father of twins and he has a mobile phone where he can put these things in with several reminders so he has absolutely no excuse. I'm important is no excuse. If he is all Mr Responsibility at work it means he's more than capable of managing home life too. At the moment it looks like he as designated you to pick up the slack. But you should be a team.

The older we've got - the more joined at the hip we've got. I'm quite needy these days and would be upset if DH couldn't be there with me for an important scan. 30 years ago I wouldn't have been bothered in the least. I remember riding 5 miles to my 20 week scan for our first baby on my pushbike. DH was at work and I wasn't bothered in the slightest to be going by myself

Depends on motivation behind why his missed it. Noone earns 100k a year without having to put time into it unless your a MP. You must of realised when he took on the role of main earner he wanted the traditional perks that come with it.

Imo

If a one off and work thing that just had to take priority.
These things happen.

However reading missed first scan, known date and time for ages, didn't block the time out properly.
I think you have to accept that work comes before you in his head, that's what he's got in his head as main thing.

If that's ok or not with you unfortunately doesn't matter because that's what he's like and who he is and extremely unlikely to change that.

I can see why you wanted him there and why he couldn’t be. He saw them 3 weeks ago. You are having twins so there will be lots more scans as it is the only accurate way to measure growth with twins (unlike single babies where the belly measurement does the job). I’m prob in a different country to you OP but with my DCDA twins, and no other complicating factors I had scans at something like 20,24,28,32,34 and 36 weeks. There’s lots of chances for him to see them and he’s likely not to make it to all of them.

'We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.'

He encouraged you to give up work at 10 weeks. Project managing big house things is stressful in and of itself plus of course the house being turned upside down, filthy etc depending on what done. How long is it expected to take? Is it massive rooms out of action brick dust everywhere banging drilling etc all day? And he insisted on this and you said well ok. And he's under pressure over it?

You said you thought he was seeing kids (and home) as you and him work. That seems fair from what you've said.

Thing is. You're having twins. CS I think you said. It's going to be hard without him being involved. I think you should have a proper talk with him about how you feel and how will it work when babies here.

I don't get this thing about husbands and partners needing to be at every scan.

No, it wouldn’t upset me. As long as he was there when I give birth.

I don't think it's that big a deal, especially since you just had a scan, and I don't see why you need him there.

In this scenario I’d be a bit annoyed yeah that he didn’t plan around the known scan time. 20 weeks scans are important and can be nerve wracking for some people - also very different to a private gender scan..

My husband asked me to see if I could change date of my 20 week scan as he had already got tickets to go to England for couple days for a football trip - which I was able to do no issue.

If you really want him there could you see if you could get the time changed? Might be more difficult now if a lot closer to the time but worth a try.

But yes, I’d be annoyed and let him know.

Based on the fact he's been at the previous only 3 weeks ago I think YABU sorry OP - for all the reasons you stated really about him now feeling under pressure.

Not that's I'd a race to the bottom or anything by my DH couldn't attend a single scan due to covid And I have boy/girl twins born earlier this year.

You're very lucky already you could give up work so early in your pregnancy

@arethereanyleftatall

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm.

Me neither. I was abroad so most of my scans were in the gynaecologists office. I was sent to the hospital for one scan and the gynae told me this was routine but didn’t advise me to have my dh with me. So I went alone. I guess this was the 20 week scan. Luckily no bad news. However, it seems so much is made of this in the U.K. I didn’t have set dates for scans so the 12 week, 20 week concept was all a bit alien to me before joining MN.

I’d be upset. And I’d say if I have bad news and you’re not there you will owe me big time. They are our babies and you’re supposed to be there. Similarly I’d be highlighting that support at the birth is non optional - if he wants to be a dad he had better not fail at the very first hurdle. I told my dp that if he wasn’t at the birth baby was getting my name and I couldn’t promise ever to forgive him, because it was the truth.

Are you worried about support after the birth? Twins need all hands on deck and he sounds lala she will be fine, she can coordinate the renovation while holding at least one baby 24h a day and not having slept for 3 months because why would that be hard? Refuse to help with renovation plans etc if you have too much on- you’re not the wastebin for dumping all non work actions he wants done on. You are doing quite enough growing twins.

@TrishM80

I don't get this thing about husbands and partners needing to be at every scan.

Literally just the 20 week scan. I’m in aust and with COVID protocols right now it’s the one scan partners are allowed to come to.

@GruntBaby

If it's possible (i.e. he has some autonomy, which people usually do have when earning that much), I would expect my baby's father to go the scan. Not necessarily for oohing and aahhhing, but because there is sadly always the chance of receiving difficult news and they need to be there ready to support you.

The 20 week scan is one where they look for a wide range of issues. Giving him the benefit of doubt, perhaps your OH doesn't realise this.

The one scan my DH didn't make it to was the one where I learnt that both I and my baby had dangerous complications. I'm grateful the news wasn't something worse but it was still hard to deal with, pregnant and alone, and plan next steps.

This.

You tell him stuff but he doesn’t listen. Then when you’re upset, like about this scan, you feel like you can’t say anything. What’s going on with communication? He’s so busy and you need to just soak it up? Your feelings count too

Men never used to attend scans - no one expected it several years ago. What do they do when they go to a scan? Hold partner's hand?

It's not nice feeling alone going to the scans but he seems to have carved out roles in his head like you say - I'd be more having conversations about support after birth as if he is working so much and just sees this as his role - will you have any practical support for the twins? Do you have family nearby or could afford a doula?

I find it quite baffling how many people, who presumably have had babies themselves, don't understand that the 20 week anomaly scan is very different from a private 17 week one. I know friends who had to go alone during the first lockdown and received devastating news. There's a clear reason that in the second lockdown it was the only appt most NHS trusts allowed fathers to attend.

I think you need a really frank discussion with him OP. I've had building work done with a newborn and it was pretty awful. That was without twins and I wasn't project managing. I'd also absolutely not be giving up work unless I absolutely had to. If you're not having more children I'm sure you could suck up the cost for a couple of years from savings if necessary. It won't cost anymore overall than if you had 2 singletons.

I had a problem flagged at my 20 week scan. I'm glad my husband was there to take in what was being said as by the end of the scan and a pretty long period laying on my back I was feeling a bit woozy and finding it hard to take everything in. It's a serious medical appointment, not just an opportunity for pictures.

I would be less upset about him missing it and more about his blasé "I'm going away" as if he had forgotten.

Had he said unprompted "I'm really sorry, I'm going to have to miss this scan, I really can't avoid it" that'd be different.

My sister's partner went for the first scan following I've treatment. He never went for another despite being self employed and having staff to do the job.

I was honoured to go with her for her 20 week scan when she found out she was expecting a girl. Never having children myself and seeing my niece before she was born was special.

Her partner missed out on that but it's his loss. He was there at the birth because she was born just before midnight. I've always wondered if he would have been there if she was born in an afternoon though.

IVF treatment