DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

[bollocksthemess]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

Wouldn’t bother me at all, especially as he came to a scan with you 3 weeks ago.

I think the disorganisation would wind me up. If it was planned and agreed that he was not coming, I think that was fine. But having to change appointments on the day because he forgot, is not good enough.

I'd have been annoyed if my husband had missed our babies scan. He did miss the 36 week scan with our last due to Covid restrictions.
I'd be less annoyed if I'd only had a scan 3 weeks previously though I understand the worry but presumably the scan was fine and you can feel the babies move.
However your husband sounds controlling and it appears you and the babies are pretty low ion his list of pr.

I didn't expect DH to attend any scans, so he didn't. I feel they are medical scans concerning my body and not really anything to do with him. He didn't turn up to x-ray when I thought I'd broken my toe, same thing really.

@Santastuckincustoms

I didn't expect DH to attend any scans, so he didn't. I feel they are medical scans concerning my body and not really anything to do with him. He didn't turn up to x-ray when I thought I'd broken my toe, same thing really.

So you don't consider an anomoly scan to be anything to do with the baby growing inside you? Or is it that the baby isn't any of his concern until its out of you?

I went to all my scans by myself. It never occurred to me that my DH should come along. I was working FT with all my pregnancies so it was challenging enough to get them scheduled into my calendar without worrying about his schedule too.

I understand the scans are important to you that he be there. I was thinking too you mentioned his best friend’s wife lost her baby at 24 weeks. The scan is often when a death in the womb is discovered. Perhaps he is subconsciously afraid to go to the scans because of what happened to them? And so is a bit avoidant?

I also think that his VIP excuse is legit for this scan. He did make the scan three weeks ago, so I’d be saying that you really don’t want him to skip the next one.

@mdh2020

I had two children without my DH attending ante natal appointments. It wasn’t expected and it just wasn’t done. I recently had gall bladder surgery and due to Covid I had to attend for consultations, tests and the operation on my own. As your children grow there will be times when one or other of you won’t be able to attend school plays etc. It’s life.

You're comparing the anomaly scan to a school play?

Really?

And just because something 'wasn't done' back then, it shouldn't change today?

Wonder why women complain about their partner's lack of involvement in family life...

I wouldn’t be as bothered about missing the scans than about DH sees it as your responsibility to do all childcare and housework. I’m sorry but being a SAHM and doing 100% childcare and housework is way more than a full time job. You really need to get him to understand that he also will need to pull his weight at home. Otherwise you will start to resent him and you will never have any free time which can affect your mental health. That is far more worrying that missing a scan.

For those who didn't consider their DP being their at the scans, was it that you didn't worry about bad news or that you didn't think that bad news would be something he'd be any use for / had anything to do with him?

@Santastuckincustoms

I didn't expect DH to attend any scans, so he didn't. I feel they are medical scans concerning my body and not really anything to do with him. He didn't turn up to x-ray when I thought I'd broken my toe, same thing really.

Oh, for the love...!!

Don't want to worry the OP or any other pregnant woman, but:

The 20-week screening scan looks in detail at the baby's bones, heart, brain, spinal cord, face, kidneys and abdomen.

It allows the sonographer to look for 11 rare conditions. The scan only looks for these conditions, and cannot find everything that might be wrong.

So. Nothing to do with the father and exactly the same as a broken toe.

FFS

YABU as you had other scans very recently for which he was there. However I would say - we run our own businesses (yes plural) and I can see how he gets distracted - shared calendar with reminders and also a run down for the mornings running up to the date. I have to say I generally bear the brunt of appts in this house for whatever and also did when pg even with issues that we had (considerable including del at 31 weeks) and I had to shout at him when I had surgery at 26 weeks and wanted him there as his work were being arses about the time off but I was very ill throughout the pg and actually hadn't asked him to take much time off at all they were just arses. Since being self employed I think he forgets what weekends or time off actually is so I have to be brutal to get time from him. You are going to have to be doubly so with two I am afraid or you are going to crumble. It may be worth having the "row" now so he understands he needs to learn to build some flex in for his family

Well he'd like an update but I don't see why he needs to be there. But we both were very functional about my pregnancies (and I've had a MMC which was found at a scan he didn't attend).

Just to address a couple of points.

We tried for a year for this pregnancy, with some difficulties along the way.

I was self employed in my previous work, so there was no real way to work around the pregnancy. When we thought it was a singleton the plan was to work until at least Christmas, but with twins and with our fortunate circumstances it made more sense to be rather safe than sorry.

It was also the plan when we thought it was one for me to go back to work. Nursery for one would have cost about half of my previous income, plus I’d have had to employ another person to cover the extra bits I couldn’t do with a child, but it was doable.
Nursery for two plus employing someone else would have wiped out all my income, and I would actually LIKE to look after the twins myself for a couple of years. I wouldn’t have minded outsourcing all my childcare if I was getting some income back, but not if I was working hard for free. My mum might have had one baby one day a week, but she’s too old for me to ask her to look after two babies on a regular basis.
I do have another plan for income once the twins are a bit older, related to my side business and not at all physical or dangerous and a lot easier to work round the children. I also know I’m very lucky to have this as an option.

The house renovations, we were both working 6 days a week before I got pregnant so none of the work was ever going to get done. It was DH’s idea that while I wasn’t working I could project manage everything to have it mostly done before the twins get here. I’ve started upstairs first so we have a bathroom/nursery/bedroom/sitting or play room nearly done and next week the downstairs extension and kitchen starts so hopefully it will be done before they arrive and I have somewhere nice to be away from it upstairs while it’s done.
It has put further financial pressure on DH though, and I know he worries about affording it. We haven’t had to borrow to pay for it, but it will take our savings down to zero which I know makes him (and me) a bit uncomfortable. Some more money will come out of a dividend in April so it’s not forever, but I know it’s on his mind.

I agree we need to have a conversation about expectations, and the scan thing is a symptom of his wider attitude to our relevant ‘jobs’. He is definitely straying into 1950’s territory, but I don’t think it’s malicious and he feels a huge sense of responsibility to provide a lovely home and a nice life for us on what is a very good salary but is not by any means huge and is taxed much more heavily than if we each earned £50K.

It’s given me plenty to think about anyway.

The 20 week scan is very important he needs to rearrange work.

I'm really struggling with some of the responses to this thread.

20 week scan = anomalies scan. This will be very different to a private scan at 17 weeks. OP is an older FTM to twins! Pretty much as high risk as it comes. Hopefully she'll have a mundane scan with pretty pics of the babies but she may not and deserves to have her DH support her.

£100k- this is not a lot of money in the slightest. Especially if they live in London - mortgages, savings, living life, holidays etc. We earn more as a couple with me as the main breadwinner but as I'm the woman I can't say I have ab important meeting so don't be attending. I told my VP of my pregnancy to accommodate my scans/appointments. DH is also eligible for time off for my scans. If he exceeds this he'll use his annual leave. There is no chance of us affording a nanny. DD when 1yo will be put into nursery from 7am-7pm to ensure we can both continue our careers. The fact is the modern world isn't set up for one income households. Some will say "I'm in London and on less ..." but the more you earn the more you want so your outgoings increase.

I went to all my 2nd and 3rd children’s scans alone because my husband was looking after out older child/ren so I wouldn’t be annoyed by this.
However, I really don’t think this is the issue. Your husband knows it’s important to you so he should be there.
I’d be annoyed if I’d made it clear I needed my husband’s support in a situation but he failed to show up for me.

OP I would also bear in mind that what you think you will be like as a mother now, may be totally different when the twins are here. I also thought I’d love to be at home with DC, but when reality hit, I really missed having some personal space and needed some time for myself. Going back to work PT was the best thing I did for myself

@Santastuckincustoms

I didn't expect DH to attend any scans, so he didn't. I feel they are medical scans concerning my body and not really anything to do with him. He didn't turn up to x-ray when I thought I'd broken my toe, same thing really.

I went to my anomaly scan alone and found out our baby was very ill and was going to die. It was one of the most traumatic things I've ever experienced. It reverberates to this day almost a year on. I really cannot express well enough into words the horror of anticipating the death of one of your children.

It couldn't be further from having an xray for a broken toe, which I've also had.

He is definitely straying into 1950’s territory, but I don’t think it’s malicious and he feels a huge sense of responsibility to provide a lovely home and a nice life for us.
Pregnancy sends both partners nuts at different times, jumping into stereotypical roles from the past.
Congratulations I hope he gets his schedule changed.

I would be annoyed that he had mentioned the double booking as soon as he was aware of it. His priority isn't to be considerate, he drops plans to suit him and doesn't communicate that. That will not work when you're both parenting and possibly working. If he doesn't communicate then things will go wrong.

*had not mentioned. Basically he sounds quite self centred and flakey

If you're not going to be working, you really need to discuss your pension contributions, covering national insurance, savings, money of your own etc etc. Please don't get yourself in to a situation where you're doing all the family and house stuff plus taking the hit for it financially. Childcare may indeed wipe out your earnings, but childcare should be a shared responsibility. You are facilitating his ability to earn £100k.

As an aside @bollocksthemess, because there's lots on here about the risks your facing, as an alt perspective, I turned 38 a few weeks after my MCDA (so higher risks than DCDA generally) twins came as scheduled at 36 weeks nearly 7lb each and perfect. I think they'd have stayed in longer but they were booked in for then and actually my blood pressure had started to rise a few days before so they probably wouldn't have left them massively longer.

Also I had a specialist twin midwife and if DH couldn't come to the scans (fortnightly) then she would come in as she knew I was anxious (poorly first born) so that might be an option for a hand hold?

If you own your own business it is a real challenge to juggle everything and sometimes you cannot do what you would prefer. it is not great, but that is part of self employment.

@BlueTouchPaper

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm This. I don't remember seeing many dads around when I had scans. If I did I imagined the women were feeling a bit poorly that day, and needed help of some sort.

Exactly. He sounds lovely and is doing the best for his family.

Please do not put any more pressure on him. I'm sure he would cancel the meeting if he could.