DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

[bollocksthemess]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

Nursery costs would be double but a nanny costs the same for twins as for one baby, and you can clearly afford a nanny as a family.
Nannies usually charge more for two children (not all will even accept twin positions), and 100K is not a territory where a nanny is clearly affordable - it might be, if they don't have a mortgage.

Many congrats on your pregnancy OP.

I would be upset too, I wanted DH at the scans, the 20wks scan is an important one. With DS1 I had some worrying news at the 20wk scan, regarding his kidneys, thankfully the problem found was resolved by the time I had a further scan to check at 32wks.

My DH is also very committed to his business, but family always comes first.

Have you had a conversation with DH about it, how you feel & what the plans are going forward after the twins arrive.

Good luck.

I would see this as a massive red flag that once your babies are born, 100% of the child rearing and housework is going to be your job, and you will be expected to sacrifice your career and all of your leisure time to facilitate him and his job.

I would think very carefully about how much you want to be financially dependent on this man in the long run. Keep in mind that childcare should be a joint cost, and that even if you earn less than him it's still perfectly valid to want to maintain your career and financial independence.

I also think now is the time to discuss with him your plans for the future and your roles. I would lay our your expectations now and have a proper discussion about it.

I’d be disappointed but depends on how tricky his job is too to get away from. If it should be easy I’d be more annoyed than if it’s a role that needs lots of time organisation.

Is there a friend/family member who might go with you? I know not the same but I’d be really excited to see a friends twin scan.

Good luck once you’ve had the babies then if he can’t prioritise a date you’ve booked 8 weeks in advance to check if his unborn children are developing properly.
I can see what other posters are saying that he doesn’t need to be there are you can do it on your own, you can. Of course you can! But that’s not what he agreed.
Sorry that sounds harsh but you need a serious sit down with expectations that regardless of his job, you did not go into this pregnancy expecting to do it on your own and if he plans to put everything else before his pregnant wife and unborn children then he needs a serious rethink.

Is this a thing partners going to scans? My ex certainly didn't he had to go to work. I think if you've got a job then work comes before scans. Mind you he should organise his life better its a bit off not writing g it in and then double booking.

Do you actually want to be a SAHM OP? Because if not, why not just go back to work when they're born?

I'm about to have a baby and will have a baby and a toddler. When I go back we will probably just about break even on childcare after nursery for two plus my travel costs. If we get an au pair to help ferry around the eldest we will be in the red in terms of me working...however, like you, DH earns six figures so we will absolutely survive and it's an investment in my career to prevent me having to leave and return later - either on a lower wage or a similar one having missed out on progression opportunity. Plus it keeps us on more of an even keel financially. If you don't fancy running around after two kids and washing his pants full time...then please don't!

Sorry I'm der and both parents going to scans wasn't a thing, certainly Id squeeze my own scans into spots where I wasn't working g myself.

It sounds as if he’s perhaps feeling the strain of being the sole earner and perhaps therefore prioritised work. I think MN as a whole can be a bit dismissive of this aspect of fatherhood (when it’s the case- obviously it often isn’t) and sees men redoubling their efforts at work merely as shirking their responsibility at home.

OP, it’s disappointing but he was there at 17 weeks. Worth having a chat to explain how you felt.

Yeah I couldn't get too worked up about this as you had a scan 3 weeks ago. Plenty of us have had to go to scans alone in the last couple years. Are you saying you have a household income over £100k without your regular salary but you can't afford childcare? Really?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Is this a thing partners going to scans? My ex certainly didn't he had to go to work. I think if you've got a job then work comes before scans. Mind you he should organise his life better its a bit off not writing g it in and then double booking.

Here - Fathers and partners now have the right to take unpaid time off work to accompany expectant mothers to up to 2 antenatal appointments. gov info, mind you this came in in 2014 yet my dh was given the same rights about 8 years before this.

@Marvellousmadness

Its just a scan. Yabu. Especially cause he saw the babies on a scan 3 weeks ago You can just show him the scans when you are home.

Wow, just a scan really??? Make him go OP you never know. My twins are 3 now but issues were shown on our 20 week scan and they had to be delivered at 28 weeks. It was an incredibly difficult time and I needed DH there.

I would see this as a massive red flag that once your babies are born, 100% of the child rearing and housework is going to be your job, and you will be expected to sacrifice your career and all of your leisure time to facilitate him and his job.

I agree completely and am surprised so many posters have ignored all the warning signs in the OPs posts and instead focused on the fact they attended the scan alone and didn't need a man to go with them.

A 20 week scan is mot a jolly, it's a serious medical appointment and it's absolutely not unreasonable to want the father of your unborn children to attend. Things can and do go wrong and expecting someone to go through that alone is beyond heartbreaking.

However it's bloody clear that the scan is only the straw that broke the camels back and the bigger issue is that the OPs partner seems to already view all things relating to the babies as womens work whilst he goes off and does the 'real' work. I really hope he doesn't turn out to be one of those fathers but it's certainly not looking promising from what the OP has posted so far. If he won't even listen to you're opinions then I would seriously consider if this relationship is worth pursuing otherwise you're going to spend every day for the next however many decades resenting him whilst singlehandedly raising twins.

Yes, the scan is a red flag here. There are serious talks to be had about the relationship and your roles in the future.

Missing a scan couldn't bother me. Men don't have the same level of connection to the baby that women do, and it's difficult for them at this point.

I've had bad news at a 20 week scan. My husband was at work. I called him when I got home, he came back for lunch and then went back to work for the afternoon. He's also never taken more than a day or two off after the birth of any of our children. I don't hold it against him though.

Do you think he might be frightened about your having twins? Scared they might come early, that everything won’t be alright, that things will be hard? Could he be in a bit of denial at the moment and working to avoid reality? Did he go on holiday in 2019?

Its a shame but let it go. The scans are just one part of pregnancy, can you take someone else? My husband missed most of ours due to work, which was just one of those things, he is an amazing dad so that's the right way around for me.

Work is important particularly if he is sole earner and you are having twins.

Enjoy your scan.

Just think very carefully about what you want your future to look like OP. Is your career always going to be less important than his? Are the children always going to be your primary responsibility? Just dont sleepwalk into a breakdown of labour that you are not happy with long term. And in the short term go talk to him about how your pension will be protected if you are stopping work.

@arethereanyleftatall

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm.

Same. And I have kids!

It’s so clear what can kind of father he will be, prioritising work and money over time with family.

I know plenty of mums who seem happy enough with this arrangement, and they just deal with house/kids completely alone. It’s not necessarily terrible for everyone, especially if you are financially comfortable.

A nanny would cost about 50k of gross salary (if the nanny’s gross salary is about 28k, bearing in mind there is employer NI and pension to pay on top of that).

I found nursery/childminder for 2 a lot cheaper than the nanny option. But if he’s not going to do pick ups/drop offs and sick days then it would be a stressful few years if you went back to work.

I find it quite depressing the number of posters saying it means her husband will be a terrible father and all the "red flags" - his career and earnings is enabling the poster to give up work at 10 WEEKS pregnancy - presumably that was a joint decision and not forced upon her - and not have the pressure to go back to work. What would it actually take to make you ladies happy??? But then again clearly I would imagine most of you have also never had the pressure and responsibility of being the main or sole earner in a family either

I found nursery/childminder for 2 a lot cheaper than the nanny option. But if he’s not going to do pick ups/drop offs and sick days then it would be a stressful few years if you went back to work Is it? I know dozens of women with children and all but one have gone back to work on at least 0.5. We all cope fine, with differing levels of partner support. I know some children catch a lot of bugs but we've never had anything like the level of sickness/missed nursery days you read about on MN. I've had to pick up by 4 year old from nursery once pre-covid and twice since (she'd have been fine to stay under normal circumstances). Certainly nothing worth giving up work for.

*PinkWaferBiscuit

I would see this as a massive red flag that once your babies are born, 100% of the child rearing and housework is going to be your job, and you will be expected to sacrifice your career and all of your leisure time to facilitate him and his job.*

I think this is what is going on. I think it's fine if you want to be a massively well financed single mother, but if you want the Dad to be actually involved in your life and the children's lives, I think it would be a good idea to do some hard talking now.

Bear in mind that he is probably massively stressed about taking on the responsibility of earning all the money too, and I 100% do not think that it is him being selfish.

It might be that it would be a relief to both of you to share both burdens, or you might actually be able to agree rules about who does what and when. I do think it's worth discussing it.

It sounds like a wonderful relationship and just maybe at a point where a bit of planning is needed.

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm
This. I don't remember seeing many dads around when I had scans. If I did I imagined the women were feeling a bit poorly that day, and needed help of some sort.

Having had two friends who had completely devastating news at their anomaly scans having all been fine previously, I'd absolutely say he should be there. The news they heard would be awful to have to hear alone and the decisions that needed to be made involved both of them.