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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH missing my 20 week scan because of work, would this upset you?

225 replies

bollocksthemess · 22/11/2021 22:22

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins and my scan is on Wednesday. I’ve known the day/time since my 12 week scan, and let DH know then.
I checked three weeks ago that he’d put it in his diary, he hadn’t, but he did then.
I reminded him again last week, as he does have form for booking work things in verbally and not putting it in his diary, and then double booking himself. Then yesterday he announced that he was going away today and would be back Wednesday night. When I said that I had my scan Wednesday, he said he was really sorry but he couldn’t reschedule this work thing as the VIP he was meeting could only do this one time/day.

He missed my 12 week scan too, but we paid for a private scan and a NIPT the week before so I felt ok about going on my own. He nearly missed that scan as he started working with a client and he forgot to leave until I rang him to ask if we were meeting at the scan place or if he was picking me up from home. Luckily I was able to ring the scan place and reschedule for the last appointment of the day.
We also had a private scan at 17 weeks (on a Saturday, I’d learned my lesson at this point) to find out what we were having, everything was fine then and I can feel the babies move now.

I stopped working at my very physical, slightly dangerous job when I was 10 weeks pregnant, at his encouragement, so he is the sole earner now, apart from my side business that brings in about £10K a year. He earns about ten times that, and although when we planned for one child I was always going to go back to work, with twins I’ll be at home with them for the foreseeable future as childcare costs will be extortionate.

I can sort of see why he feels like he has to work so hard, he runs three related businesses and feels a bit of pressure to be the provider now we’re having the twins. We’re also having extensive work done to the house, which he’s instigated but I’m project managing while I’m not working. The house was perfectly liveable before, if a bit run-down, but he wants the twins to grow up in a nice house and he’s putting that pressure on himself too.
I think all the above has made him a bit blinkered when it comes to work.
He’s very, very kind hearted and I don’t think he meant to upset me, but I am upset. I haven’t told him I’m upset, because I don’t want to add to the above pressure.
I felt a bit crap at my 12 week scan looking at everyone with their partners and I was the only one on my own, and I’m at home alone now thinking about how it’ll be the same on Wednesday. AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 07:48

@starrynight21

Not everyone can get time off work. My DH wasn't at any scans and he missed our first child's birth because he was in the military and was away . It isn't necessary to have the father there for everything - you can do it on your own just this once, surely.
He isn't in the military. He runs his own diary and why should she?
Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 07:51

@tara66

Men never used to attend scans - no one expected it several years ago. What do they do when they go to a scan? Hold partner's hand?
Nonsense. My eldest is in their 40s and my DH came
Nanny0gg · 23/11/2021 07:54

There are some shif answers on this thread.

We're going back to everything child-related being the woman's sole responsibility.

It's twins.
It's the ANOMALY scan
He prioritised work
He's their FATHER

anxiousstanley · 23/11/2021 07:55

My ex did exactly this when I had my twins. He even missed the scheduled Caesarian and didn't see his newborns until everyone else had. Then a lifetime of missed parents evenings, school plays and social events. Work always came first. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of this.

Kikkomam · 23/11/2021 07:56

Dh never came to mine but I never expected him to. I'm always much happier doing things on my own. If is really wanted him there he would have come, which is the difference

TokyoTen · 23/11/2021 07:58

He's been to one scan, personally I don't see why he has to keep turning the up. I mean as long as you are fine whats the problem?

minipie · 23/11/2021 07:58

100K is not a territory where a nanny is clearly affordable

The household income would not be £100k. It would be £100k, plus the £10k side business, plus whatever OP’s main job (the physical and slightly dangerous one) pays, which she hasn’t said. I’m sure plenty of families afford childcare for two DC on less. Maybe a nanny, maybe nursery/childminder, but my point is, childcare costs shouldn’t be a reason for OP to stop work if she doesn’t want to.

his career and earnings is enabling the poster to give up work at 10 WEEKS pregnancy - presumably that was a joint decision and not forced upon her

Hmm I don’t know, the OP sounds slightly like he pressured her into it. In the nicest possible way, but still.

HeyFloof · 23/11/2021 08:00

I bounced into my anomaly scan last year (alone, because covid) and walked out being supported, literally, by a MW having had horrendously bad news. Then had to get myself home and tell my DH that our son was incredibly poorly and that we were going to lose him. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

There is a huge amount of naievety here that anomaly scan. It's not "just a scan", it can literally mean life or death. And having to digest that information unsupported and then regurgitate it to your partner is beyond awful.

OP, your DH needs to reassess his priorities. Obviously he enjoys and thrives with work, but you created two children together, don't fall into the trap of being the default parent because he's "too busy providing", which I'm willing to bet he'll say at some point.

Hadalifeonce · 23/11/2021 08:00

DH only came to 1 of several scans with DC1 and none with DC2. Wouldn't even have thought to ask him to come to be honest.

minipie · 23/11/2021 08:01

@Nanny0gg

There are some shif answers on this thread.

We're going back to everything child-related being the woman's sole responsibility.

It's twins.
It's the ANOMALY scan
He prioritised work
He's their FATHER

Yes. And it’s the anomaly scan for twins which is a riskier pregnancy. And it’s not even that he prioritised work as in “I’m really sorry but this is the only day the VIP can do”. He just forgot the scan existed.
Minorissue · 23/11/2021 08:07

I wouldn’t be upset about it personally and wouldn’t want to give DH a guilt trip if something really important came up at work, but if he knew you were anxious or really needed him there for emotional support and that changing at the last minute would be unreasonable in this particular situation then I can see why you might be upset.

wannabeamummysobad · 23/11/2021 08:07

@bollocksthemess you ANBU. I'd be devastated especially after my 16 week appointment where they struggled to find baby's heartbeat with a Doppler- DH wasn't with me (I told him not to come as didn't realise they'd be looking for a HB) I was in tears on the phone with him then they brought out a portable scanner and baby was happy kicking with a strong HB. I would be so annoyed especially for my 1st pregnancy and in your case as twins are higher risk.
Tell him he needs to come if you want him there.
Going forward add all important events to his calendar- I do this via apple calendar so there are no excuses. Good luck

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/11/2021 08:14

Having had twins myself he needs to be there. It is a high risk pregnancy. The professionals don't talk the same as if it is a single pregnancy.
Lots of things can and do go wrong. I had a couple of scary appointments (which turned out ok in the end) and would have found it difficult.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/11/2021 08:17

On 100k he should be able to afford a nursery or nanny so you can carry on with your job.

If you split up and he hides his income behind being self employed £10k a year won’t last you.

Your in a very vulnerable position there.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/11/2021 08:22

@Fluffycloudland77 I was in the same position. I worked one day a week to keep my hand in but it cost more for childcare than what i earnt. My husband took on the financial load. We couldn't do it any other way. twins put your life on hold unfortunately. You do what you need to do to get through it.

30whatacrock · 23/11/2021 08:23

@arethereanyleftatall

I didn't realise the fathers were supposed to come with us to these things until I came on mn and discovered that was the norm.
My thoughts too. It’s good though that some employers are more family focused and allow fathers time off to go to them.

OP I would wait until after the scan and then tell him you were a bit disappointed. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, given he was there at your last one very recently. It sounds like he’s putting a lot of pressure on himself which is recipe for disaster. As is you giving up work completely and relying on him totally (aside from your tiny home income). It sounds like a very antiquated setup.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/11/2021 08:33

@Nanny0gg

There are some shif answers on this thread.

We're going back to everything child-related being the woman's sole responsibility.

It's twins.
It's the ANOMALY scan
He prioritised work
He's their FATHER

This...

It's not just pretty pictures....

ONCE he's missed it, he's missed it for EVER... It's shit...

You both made these babies... He needs to be THERE taking an interest in HIS children's development.

Is he seriously saying that it is IMPOSSIBLE to rearrange these work commitments....

There really are VERY VERY few jobs that you can't take a few hours off, for something important like this.

Many men are purposely vague about their commitments, as they just don't want to /fancy doing whatever it is.

Don't tolerate this as it's a template for you becoming a 1950s housewife

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/11/2021 08:34

PS I have a father like this... EVERY work /hobby thing was more important than us...

It really is shit

CherryRedDMs · 23/11/2021 08:48

Nobody should have to go alone to the 12 and 20 week scans because of the chance of bad news. In a twin pregnancy, you already know you are high-risk so both parents should be there. Luckily, it will almost certainly be a waste of his time, but that’s the best case scenario.
I was told that my second child had a 5% chance of survival at that scan, and that I should stay within 20 minutes of the hospital at all times because of the risk to me, so I was grateful for the company and for not having to explain everything I was told afterwards.
It’s not about seeing the baby on the scan. A lot of the time once you are in the very high risk category the consultants you see don’t show you the screen in case you see something upsetting. I had a scan at least once a week and rarely saw the baby.
(He survived and is fine, no long term effects at all.)

PinkMochi · 23/11/2021 08:51

If he’s not actively involved now, I doubt he will be when the twins are born. You need to have this discussion now. He will need to make “sacrifices” re work arrangements now that he’s a father. He’s not a child free responsibility free man anymore.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/11/2021 09:00

Given that this is the anomaly scan please take someone with you. And please ask him to rearrange if he can.

This is not simply a chance to look at a pretty picture of the babies. This is a serious medical test

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/11/2021 09:04

Aside from the first, just in case there was a problem, it really wouldn’t have bothered me.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 23/11/2021 09:04

YABU My husband couldn’t get time off work for my scans. I didn’t mind in the slightest.

Mischance · 23/11/2021 09:08

Would I be upset? - No.

mdh2020 · 23/11/2021 09:10

I had two children without my DH attending ante natal appointments. It wasn’t expected and it just wasn’t done. I recently had gall bladder surgery and due to Covid I had to attend for consultations, tests and the operation on my own. As your children grow there will be times when one or other of you won’t be able to attend school plays etc. It’s life.